ballpoint

Aphorisms: 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 6 How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car. 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - - - for example, it could be the right number. 13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap. 15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? 18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Ford. 19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter.

Sign of the times, even the Dukes are downsizing...

Spain managed to get Pinochet held under house arrest in London for a year and a half after calling for his extradition to face a court - despite his not being convicted of any crime, and not being a citizen of either country, before he was released by the spineless British government. Should Pompeo travel to a third country having an extradition treaty with Spain the same thing could very well happen to him, though hopefully with a better ending.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, took out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied. "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food? the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" the man replied. "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

A young boy was sitting on his front step eating Mars bars as fast as he could unwrap them when a man walking by said "Young man you shouldn't be eating that many Mars bars. You'll spoil your dinner, not to mention its unhealthy." The boy replied "I don't think so. My grandfather lived to be 102" " Wow" said the man "and he did that by eating Mars bars?" "No" said the boy, "by minding his own business".

In high school, my teachers told me I’d never amount to anything due to my procrastination. I told them, “just you wait!”

Q: what does a cow have 4 of that a woman only has 2 of? A: Legs Bet you were going to say something else.