ballpoint

Two women are looking at dresses through a shop window. “That’s the one I’d get” says one to the other, pointing at a dress. Sammy Davis Junior comes running out the store and slaps her.

Van Gogh sitting on the pub. His mate comes in and says “Vincent, do you want a pint?” “No thanks,” says Van Gogh “I’ve got one ‘ere.”

What do you call a Chinese woman with a foodmixer on her head? Blenda.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory'. Les Dawson

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I got a wee dog for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I ordered a thin and crispy Supreme from my local pizza shop. They sent me Diana Ross.

A new survey shows that 25 to 30 year olds don't drink as much alcohol as they did 20 years ago. They must have been one p1ssed bunch of 5 to 10 year olds.

Fact of the day The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it. Until the ninth or tenth pint.

I used to be nostalgic. Those were the days.

My doctor just told me I'm bipolar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I went to the dentist earlier. He said "good morning, how's the mouth?" I said "she's just taken our daughter shopping."

You obviously know a lot about current affairs, so you'll get no resistance from me.

"Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

Whats black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Marie if she would go to HomePro to pick up a hinge and away she went. While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer she noticed a beautiful bathroom tap. When he was was finished Marie asked him, "how much is that bath tap?" The assistant replied, "That's a gold plated tap, and the price is 12,000 Baht. Marie exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap and certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The assistant said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom te yelled "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" She paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap."

That could be terminal, but is more likely just a phase they're going through.

Pedant alert!