ballpoint

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar & says, 'Can I get a large aperitif? 'Barman says 'I ******* doubt it'

I've never understood the point in fire blankets. Who's ever been in a fire and thought, "damn, it's a bit chilly in here"?

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions? Our helpline is open 24/7.

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

"Archbishop of Canterbury to step down at end of year" No more Mister Christ Guy.

Police website: "Police urge traders to be vigilant after thefts" Why don't they urge them to be vigilant before thefts?

My paper manufacturing business has folded seven times, so I’m fairly confident it can’t happen again.

Two men were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick'.

The Mrs. just phoned me from work and said.. "Three of the girls in the office have just had flowers delivered, they're absolutely gorgeous"' "That's probably why they got flowers then love" I said..

For a happy end to your meal?