ballpoint

"Thankfully, Cardinal Pell will never enter Sydney again." Said Sydney's Mum.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m ok.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly. 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I've outlived the bitches.'

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.

Anne Summers have announced that they are going to start selling a new lager flavoured gel that women can rub on their "Bits". However, campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hour "minge" drinking.

I just bought a new self-help book: Dyslexia for Begonias.

My wife has just lost one of my Mr. Men books That's it - No more Mr Nice guy!

I saw a sign that said "watch for children", and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.