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My mother-in-law's in hospital. They say she's not looking too good. No word on her condition yet though.

Apple have said that although their profits are down, their turnover is still good.

Minister: so George how did you get on at the high church service at the weekend? George: it was okay, hymns were boring and there were no surprises in the sermon. Minister: I suspect a but is coming next. George: but, they were wafting this golden thing on a chain about. Minister: oh yes, and . . . George: well it hit me on the head Minister: I’m sorry to hear that George, did this make you angry? George: angry? I was incensed!

What do we want? An end to acronyms! When do we want it? ASAP!

I've just seen a witch and a lion trying to carry a huge wardrobe into the house next door. When I asked what was happening, they said "Narnia business"

My wife keeps going on about a new butcher who specialises in meats marinated in alcoholic beverages. She loved his beef in ale and now can't wait to try his tongue in cider.

Did you know that Glen Campbell only weighed 57.16kg? He was a Nine Stone Cowboy.

I’ve just written off my car skidding on a patch of humus. Nobody warned me of the hidden dip in the road.

The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. Can't wait to rub it in.

I went for a COVID test yesterday and the nurse asked me if I'd had a sudden loss of taste. "No", I replied, "I've always dressed like this.

I had the worst steak of my life last night, it was all tough and rubbery. That's the last time I eat in a Michelin restaurant.

I bought some of those new Viagra tea bags, They don't really improve your sex life, but they do stop your biscuits going soft.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Three Degrees. Ok I said, when will I see you again?

HAVE YOU HAD THE JAB - URGENT NOTICE! This happened yesterday and is important information. My mates Dad who is 85 years old had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go to see a doctor, or be hospitalised. He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately as he had left his glasses behind.

I recently spent £3500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

My wife wanted to make the sitting room more classy, so I've fitted a blackboard and 6 desks, that will impress her. I can't wait till she sees it.

Russia was welcomed into the global community, and as a part of Europe, with open arms when the wall came down. The West pumped money into its economy - much of which was swiped by the oligarchs (who also bled the reserves left by the old USSR dry as well), and foreign businesses entered the country, raising the standard of living and services for the average Russian. Then a dictatorial, despotic figure by the name of Putin changed the presidential laws, grabbing more power for himself than the new Russian constitution allowed, poisoned and / or imprisoned his opposition, built up private armies, a mafia and shady business networks, and hijacked the country. Like most of his ilk, he suffered a deep fear of the outside, especially countries with more power than he, and became increasingly neurotic in an attempt to protect his criminal princedom. To blame the West for his anger and hatred is rather like blaming your happy, healthy neighbours for your own self inflicted misery and illness. A better analogy of Russia's current situation would be the owner of a large farm, forced to free the slaves he had working for him, seeing those former slaves setting up and running their own farms next to his and, bitter at them and those who told him to set them free, continually making threats against them, while regularly sending his thugs onto their farms to sabotage their equipment, move fence lines and foment trouble amongst their workers. When the former slaves appeal to the outside for help, the farmer uses this as an excuse to ramp up his campaign of harassment into one of terror, all the while blaming the outsiders for aiding those he has been brutalising all those years. His end goal is to seize the farms, round up his former slaves and put them back to working for him under the supervision of his sadistic cronies.

The Pope wades in with a statement that has all the Putin fanboys on social media erupting in ecstasy. "Pope Francis said that the “barking of NATO at the door of Russia” might have led to the invasion of Ukraine and that he didn't know whether other countries should supply Ukraine with more arms". Pope Says NATO Might Have Provoked Russian Invasion of Ukraine (wsj.com)

The phrase “Who goes there?” has been around for sentries. - - - - - - - - - - - The future of my see-saw business is in the balance. - - - - - - - - - - - My best mate is an expert taxidermist. He really knows his stuff. - - - - - - - - - - - My washing machine was too loud; so I put a sock in it. - - - - - - - - - - - For all you people who can't stand musical puns: you have my symphony. - - - - - - - - - - - The patron saint of playgrounds is Saint Francis of a See-saw. - - - - - - - - - - - Double negatives; they're a no-no. - - - - - - - - - - - You're all invited to my recycling party tomorrow – please bring a bottle.

A lorry containing electrical goods has crashed in Liverpool. Police expect the road to be clear in five minutes.

Way back in my army days I was ordered to make a list of all the lamps and bulbs in Buckingham Palace. I was in The King's Light Inventory.

Breaking.. News has come in that last night, a Russian acrobat was badly injured whilst performing a human pyramid. A spokesperson for the troop quoted: “I don't know how we can can continue to perform, as we don’t have Oleg to stand on”.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.' Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

"I am," is the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do," is the longest sentence.