ballpoint

I've just opened a new account at the Bank of Bonsai. It's like a regular bank but they have smaller branches.

I’ve just been to an indoor fairground where none of us knew what any of the rides did! Then I realised it was a bemusement arcade.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's rear was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me.

I find it interesting that people make so much money out of their 800k that they can't afford to keep it in a bank, yet make so little from the rest of their money that they can't spare 800k to keep in a bank.

My mate’s dad used to dig up old car parts. He was a Morris miner.

My friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill. It was a rubbish tip.

My eye doctor told me that my test results came back. I asked if I could see them and she said, “probably not.”

My wife woke up with a puzzled look on her face this morning. She had fallen asleep on her jigsaw.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

I went to a taxidermy class last night. It only lasted for 30 minutes, but they still managed to cram a lot in.

Would have caused a lot of envy on the IT forum. "Got myself an 84" monitor down the local furniture shop".

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it."

A bloke is rushed to A&E with a steam iron up his backside. "Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?" "Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

I’ve got a date with a woman from the local sewing circle. I don’t know her well, but she seams nice.

I went into a shop and asked for a pie and chips. The shop keeper said "This is a hardware store, I think you need to go to Specsavers" So l went to Specsavers, but they don't sell them either.

I came home yesterday and the wife had been on eBay all day. If she doesn’t sell tonight I’ll have to lower the price,

Due to bird flu fears, I bought a face mask for my pet duck. It’s nothing fancy, but it fits the bill

Handy hint for a DIY-er on how to turn your sofa into a sofa bed. Forget your wife's birthday.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight. Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up. Bloody cold callers!

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally, he gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

My wife said let's spice things up and play doctors and nurses It was going really well 'til I diagnosed her as clinically obese.