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ballpoint

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Everything posted by ballpoint

  1. My mate once set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby." I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!!..
  2. My wife cannot stop talking. I thought she had a beauty spot on her jaw, but it was a grease nipple.
  3. My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking, Apparently slimming world was not the right answer.
  4. I went on a date recently and she asked, "Any pets?"... I said, "Yes, a goldfish". "Any hobbies?"... I said - "Yes, he likes swimming".
  5. I'm hosting a party for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
  6. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
  7. I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a harp. My mate told me the costume was too small to be a harp. I said to him “Are you calling me a lyre?”
  8. A pirate came up to me and said that he had lost his crows nest. I said, 'that's your lookout'
  9. I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan. Awning has broken.
  10. When asked what she thought of Poe's work, Nadine Dorries, the Culture Secretary, stated she prefers Tinky Winky
  11. I am asking everyone to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!! I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!
  12. Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women prefer to kill one man slowly over many many years.
  13. Elon Musk built electric cars and is going to Mars. Why's he even involving himself with Twitter? It'll be like if an English prince gave it all up just to marry an actress from Suits..

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