ballpoint

I just saw Elvis at the customer service desk in HomePro. Returned a sander.

A snob, an Islamophobe and a glutton go into a pub and the barman says, ‘What will it be Boris?’

My friend just broke up with her longtime boyfriend because she found out he was a communist. She should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual? He came out then went back in again.

Eskimo 1 “Whats for dinner?” Eskimo 2 “Vera Lynn Burgers” Eskimo 1 “Oh no. Not whale meat again”

My grandfather drowned in a barrel of varnish. it was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

I remember the first time I used my Universal Remote Control; "amazing". I thought “this changes everything”

People say I’m condescending. (That means I talk down to people).

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill. I thought, he’s pushing his luck.

I, for one, really enjoy a roman numeral based pun.

There’s a nudist convention in town next week. Might go along if I’ve got nothing on.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about same sex marriage these days… Me and the wife have been having the same sex for years.

A bloke goes into the doctors and says ” Doc ..overnight I’ve got this growth on the end of my nose and I can’t explain it ” The doctor takes out a magnifying glass and upon inspection says ” Oh yeah ..its in miniature ..but there is a golden beach with clear blue water a mountain in the background with a cascading waterfall & clear blue skies ” The bloke says ..”Have you ever seen anything like this before ” Doctor “Yes and you have nothing to worry about ..its just a beauty spot “

I phoned the drugs helpline today and the automated message said ‘for information about cannabis press hash.. .’

Two women are looking at dresses through a shop window. “That’s the one I’d get” says one to the other, pointing at a dress. Sammy Davis Junior comes running out the store and slaps her.

Van Gogh sitting on the pub. His mate comes in and says “Vincent, do you want a pint?” “No thanks,” says Van Gogh “I’ve got one ‘ere.”

What do you call a Chinese woman with a foodmixer on her head? Blenda.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory'. Les Dawson

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I got a wee dog for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I ordered a thin and crispy Supreme from my local pizza shop. They sent me Diana Ross.

A new survey shows that 25 to 30 year olds don't drink as much alcohol as they did 20 years ago. They must have been one p1ssed bunch of 5 to 10 year olds.

Fact of the day The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it. Until the ninth or tenth pint.