ballpoint

Dog horror movies

It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group; Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. What's up?" he asks? "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the sport headlines on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads Brazil 1 Scotland 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes) He is beating Scotland all by himself. Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the telly back on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

3 bodies turn up at the mortuary all with smiles on their faces. The cop asks the coroner, "why are they all smiling?" The Coroner says, "1st guy died of heart attack while making love to his wife, hence the smile. 2nd guy won the lottery, spent it on whiskey and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. 3rd guy, Paddy from Dublin, was struck by lightening." The cop asks,"why the <deleted> was he smiling?" The coroner replies, "He thought he was having his photo taken!"

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim, and one time at a works function we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

3 mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who`s the hardest... Aberdeen mouse says: "i go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it accross the room!" Edinburgh mouse says: i get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!" Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.. "where u goin?" asked the other two, "hame tae sh@g the cat"

** Be aware ** I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them). I went to pick it up and, as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving! I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out as I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... A Peeking Duck!

I bought a book called "Teach yourself brainwashing". It was mindblowing

Not often. Just every evening.

Maybe you should remind her that the gun doesn't decide what bullets to fire. The person handling it does.

There you go, shooting off again.