ballpoint

I just stick my dog in the boot.

The worlds worst ventriloquist has just become a father. He said his wife has given girth to a gouncing gagy goy.

I bought a ring for £1 at a charity shop and a chap on Antiques Roadshow said it was extremely rare and worth £2,000. I did the decent thing and took it back to the shop. And told them all about it.

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer. She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later. Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:...."No Ethel; I think he means her legs..."

I started my fitness regime this morning. Got up and ran around the block ten times. Then I kicked the block back under the bed and cooked myself a nice fry-up.

Apple are teaming up with a Korean car manufacturer to make the world's first self-assembly car. It will be called the iKia.

I asked for a large cod in in my local chip shop. He said "it won't be long", I said "it'd better be fat then".

When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.

Now I'm not saying the Proctologist I saw today had the biggest hands in the world, but he was definitely up there.

I'd forgotten how to use the car seatbelt, then it clicked.

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I recalled the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to the local village pub just a couple of hundred yards from our home. First drink ordered was a Guinness, which she spat out almost immediately. I conceded that she perhaps didn’t like Guinness, so I finished her drink off. Next we tried some Stella Artois, and just like the Guinness earlier, a half mouth consumed which was duly spat out. I conceded that perhaps lager wasn’t for her, so I duly finished her drink off. Next we tried some cider, and as before, a little taste which was quickly spat out in disgust. I also finished this drink off for her. Perhaps my daughter was a spirit drinker instead? So I ordered several different spirits including vodka, gin, brandy, rum, and whisky. Each drink tasted, each drink spat out, each drink finished by me. By the time I finally realised that alcohol and my daughter didn’t mix I was so drunk I could hardly push her home in the stroller.

I have no objection to people being spontaneous, I just think there is a time and a place for it.

Many years ago, my mate set me up on a blind date. He said "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby". I felt a right plonker sitting in the pub wearing just a nappy.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

I've never tried selling one anywhere else, as there are a few Aurora shops even where I live up country, but I'd imagine it's similar to selling jewellery at any gold shop. I've bought all mine directly from the shop as well, (which, when paid using cash, leaves no record of how much you accumulate, if you're of a suspicious nature), but their website says that shipments are insured.

Aurora have shops all over Thailand. They sell their own standard baht weight bars, which are easy to sell at any branch, or you can buy them online. The current buying and selling prices are displayed on their website. https://www.aurora.co.th/