ballpoint

I thought your ladyboy friend got rid of his cockatoo?

Been here since the unelected Prem was in power. Since then I've seen a number of elected governments and a number of coups. The main changes to normal Thai life over that period have been the same ones that most countries have gone through - technological, particularly in mobile connectivity and personal transport. The two biggest things that personally affected many expat and tourist Westerners (positively and negatively) were: The elected dinosaur government of Chavalit's aiding of the 1997 financial crisis, and the huge depreciation of the Baht that went with it. The first Thaksin government's enforcing the 90 day report law (it was always on the books, but never seriously enforced up to then), its introduction of midnight closing for "entertainment venues", and its cracking down on visa runs and frequent tourist visitors. In short, it's not for me to say how Thailand should be run, it's for the Thai people. However, they seem to becoming increasingly wary of protesting to remove unelected or undemocratic (which isn't always the same as unelected) regimes, as in the end they are the ones who are killed or "disappeared" while the same fat cats they were protesting about pop up again and again at the trough.

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

I visited a friend's new condo and asked him. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" "That is the talking clock," he replied. "How's it work?" "Watch," he said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

I got the sack from my job at the local Salvation Army soup kitchen yesterday evening. All I said was, "Come on, eat up. Some of us have ******* homes to go to!"

I queued 40 minutes to get petrol yesterday. When I finally got to the pumps I became all emotional. I started to fill up.

As the burglar entered the darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes... ...and then let the cat do the rest.

Try the new 007 Viagra. It makes you Roger More.

I can't believe how strong the wind was last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk, and got blown into the pub.

Bored? I suggest you visit the police museum for a good day out. The place is arresting, particularly their taser collection, which is stunning.

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don't know what you're missing!

Albino. You can't say fairer than that.

Work place drugs tests just take the p1ss.