The week that was in Thailand news: Mad Dogs and Englishmen

[rooster59]

The week that was in Thailand news: Mad Dogs and Englishmen

 

 

“In tropical climes there are certain times of day,

When all the citizens retire,

To take their clothes off and perspire,

It’s one of those rules the greatest fools obey.”

 

So begins Noel Coward’s hilarious put down of the English abroad. For me the brilliant lyrics of one of my favorite songs often come to mind when contemplating a life in the tropics and the nutty actions of foreigners – and increasing Thais it seems – even when the weather is as chilly as it has been in Bangkok this week!

 

With the mercury plummeting to 20 in the condo during the morning it seemed safe – even sensible - to don my full body suit and thermal underwear and brave the icy winds howling around Ratchayothin. My four year old asked if it would snow for Christmas.

 

It didn’t hurt to say we might have a white Christmas.

 

Trouble was as soon as I got about 200 meters from the house I was sweating like the proverbial pig and setting the lie to another pronouncement of Mr Coward:

 

“That though the English are effete,

They are quite impervious to heat”.

 

Still, I observed every Thai motorcyclist on the roads of Krung Thep had a jacket to protect from the cold though some had forgotten the edict about helmets to protect from that other more permanent inconvenience, death.

 

All long term foreign residents of the kingdom are united by one thing that helps make it possible to stay in Thailand long term. The ability to shrug off the laughs of the locals about our behavior.

 

After a while, with a little guile and language perhaps, we can even have a few laughs at THEIR expense and get some smiles rather than approbation for our observations of the nuttier side of the Thai race.

 

After all it may well be Mad Dogs and Englishmen who go out in the Midday Sun” but in “Bangkok at 12 o’clock” it is they “that foam at the mouth and run”.

 

And while the English certainly used “to claim the Earth” these days it is not just us “that give rise to such hilarity and mirth”.

 

Mrs Rooster – who is beautiful but invariably angry with my childish antics – this week went on a conspicuous go slow due to the temperature drop that saw a record -5 degrees on Doi Inthanon.

 

I was informed that no food would be prepared and there was only “buffet” available. By this “foreign” term she was proud to use, she meant help yourself to whatever scraps are left in the fridge.

 

By Buddha woman do you know what you are saying??! This is Clittamart!

 

I countered by saying that I would not be showering again just “lang tuut yang diaw” (washing the nether regions) an expression I have always used that is invariably met by derision at home but titters outside, probably because outsiders don’t believe what the wife accepts as gospel.

 

The missus has long since accepted the opening lines of the song that “the natives grieve when the white men leave their huts, because they’re obviously, definitely nuts”.

 

Fortunately the change in the weather did not seem to affect the mad behavior of people of all nationalities this week as the Thaivisa pages and forums were filled with murder and mayhem and nutcases and numpties aplenty to keep us warm as the festivities approached.

 

Top billing went to Dutchman ‘Rene’ who rather than accept that there are millions of women who wouldn’t mind marrying a foreigner decided to go to his ex’s house in Surin with murder in mind and knives in a bag.

 

When he didn’t find her – and thus couldn’t get his gold necklace back – he did the obvious thing and stabbed her mum and brother about 50 times.

 

Talk about the season of goodwill.

 

The evidence seems damning and he looks set to get a lot of R and R over the next 40 odd years –like the English he better not “detest a siesta”.

 

Apart from the dumbbell western couple scribbling graffiti in Bangkok who were fined 5,000 baht and given a knuckle rapping by none other than tourism bigwig Surachet, the other top tourist behaving badly had more serious consequences.

 

That was the Chinese tourist, presumably, who pulled an elephant’s tail in Pattaya causing the pachyderm to stamp his tour group leader to death. The visitors from the middle kingdom seem to have cranked up the stupidity several notches from their boorish buffet behavior of years ago.

 

Another visitor, though this time a legitimate park worker, was the handler in Pattaya caught prodding his tiger to make it roar for idiotic tourist selfies. An old acquaintance of mine – Edwin Wiek the animal rights advocate – got a million views for his post that rightfully shamed the park.

 

The park responded in animal fashion by finding the usual scapegoat, a Burmese, and transferred him to an inactive post at the facility.

 

Ever since his ancestors sacked Ayuthaya about 250 years ago to the day the Thais have always looked immediate left rather than further west to find someone to blame.

 

At least it gets us mad Englishmen off the hook from time to time.

 

Remaining well and truly on the hook this week was His Blinginess the dumb deputy Prawit who seems to have more watches than skeletons in his ample drawers.

 

Big Brother Prayut tried to get some heat off his underling but only made matters worse – as usual – by showing off his Seiko then berating the bemused reporters by saying “How about next time I wear an alarm clock round my neck?”

 

The time is indeed ticking for this latest excuse for a government though Rooster was left pondering the differences between beleaguered Mrs May in Whitehall, the Thai leaders and the buffoon of Trumpistan.

 

Mrs May was forced to sack her closest minister because of some ancient sexual peccadillo that was clearly a public affair for the British while Prayut and Prawit – the Thai island that is PP – could just hide behind what His Generalness said was a “personal affair”.

 

Drumph, in the manner of Duterte, seems to do whatever he pleases, public or personal, throwing juicy threats into the bargain, stirring hatred under the guise of political mandate.

 

Transport and all its related madness is never far from the news and the last seven days on Thaivisa were no exception. Top story was the “mother of all U-turns” that did not refer to a dangerous blackspot on the Friendship Highway – a road that the Thais often refer to as “Sen Thang Morana” (death highway), incidentally.

 

No, this U-turn was about sitting in the back of pick-ups, particularly, and even wearing helmets in Bangkok. The Thai police decided to get kind and let the Thais continue to kill each other at will, while also delaying the helmet laws.

 

Seeing “muak gan nock” became “law” in about 1990 no one will really mind a few hundred thousand more crushed heads, surely?

 

Apropos sitting in pick-ups, it was a set up. The rozzers never intended to enforce the law, just like at Songkran – it was just another amateurish attempt to warn, then appease the poor as the holidays approached.

 

Akin to dangling the carrot of life before whipping it away again.

 

Plod needn’t have bothered in trying to improve their image – in these days of social media shaming the Thais’ distrust for their constabulary is at an all-time low. Their only saving grace is that the politicians have shown little commensurate improvement either.

 

Providing a little transport light relief – though some might have just thought about it solely in terms of relief – were the trolley dollies on Thai Viet Air that took Patpong, Nana and Soi Cowboy to the skies on the inaugural Swampy to Dalat flight.

 

Rooster who in forty years has never felt the remotest need to visit Laos, Cambodia or Burma may have to make an exception for Vietnam one of these days.

 

For someone who has lived in Thailand since the 1980s I haven’t seen much of the neighbors, though I know Bangkok like the back of my hand – and yes, it’s a bit hairy just like the city!

 

I went to Samui in 1982 and thought it was too developed then. Koh Tao in 2010 may have been pre-murder days but it was fuller of 7-11s than even Ratchayothin.

 

But while I have never been to Phi Phi I may need to change that stance now that McDonald’s have finally opened there. Referencing the island “lemonjelly” said in my favorite forum comment of the week, it is now called “Khao San-On-Sea”.

 

Maybe it’s worth a visit now I can get a Big Mac to make up for the lack of nature, cleanliness and peace and quiet.

 

And so to this week’s Rooster awards. The “What a Way to Avoid a Dowry Award” goes to the prospective groom in Chumporn who decided not to go through with his marriage after his bride-to- be caught him with his pants down with a rival.

 

But did he really need to shoot the lady known as dentist Dr Por? He should also be getting the “Darwin Award for Services to the Gene Pool” as he is now, thankfully, very unlikely to ever procreate.

 

While my “Careful Who You Cremate” award goes to the Thai authorities who handed over a dead body to relatives seven months ago only for the stiff to walk in on startled relatives this week very much alive.

 

Sakhon, 44, will happily have his 13 digit social security number restored after it was retired rather like the shirts of basketball royalty Kobe Bryant over in the States this week.

 

It all reminded me of an incident at the crocodile farm in Samut Prakarn more than 30 years ago. A man had fallen into the croc pit and was saved from being eaten but was declared dead.

 

The authorities duly sent out a request to relatives who arrived and picked up the body and the 10,000 baht compensation package given as a kind of “sorry about that” from the park owners.

 

The whole matter seemed amicably settled and forgotten…..until the real relatives turned up the following day to claim the body and the money.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

Rooster. 

 

 

-- © Copyright Thai Visa News 2017-12-23

[Rhys]

Righteous dude... all the best in 2018.

[Ossy]

Nowhere comes even close. I especially enjoyed your 'This is Clittamart!' tale. Cheers

[SunsetT]

24 minutes ago, Ossy said:

'This is Clittamart!'

The new Thai tourism minister should make this the new slogan for Thailand......It could be the best and most appropriate, I reckon, since 'Amazing Thailand'..............

[Andrew Dwyer]

18 hours ago, rooster59 said:

Still, I observed every Thai motorcyclist on the roads of Krung Thep had a jacket to protect from the cold though some had forgotten the edict about helmets to protect from that other more permanent inconvenience, death.

Now this made me laugh out loud !!!

 

Strange how the truth can be so funny at times .

[overherebc]

Surprised no mention of the wonderful renditions in the shopping malls.

Jin-gerben, jin-gerben

Jin-ger all a way.

????

[sambum]

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Now this made me laugh out loud !!!

 

Strange how the truth can be so funny at times .

"while also delaying the helmet laws."

 

What helmet laws?

[The Deerhunter]

Loved the story about the fake relies at the crocodile park.  BTW: I have been using Danny Kaye''s version of mad dogs as my ringtone for 5 years now.  A very distinctive ring.

[Stargeezr]

Another good summary of the Thai week, thanks for the humour. gave me a few chuckles

Geezer