bewildered66 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 This is my situation . I m married to a Thai almost 14 years . Her parents are now getting on in age . My wife also has one brother and one sister . Brother still lives in the village but sister and my wife live quite far . I m picking up that when the parents die , the brother will want the 5 days and nights of drinking eating and gambling , which my wife her sister and brother will split the costs , which could get rather expensive . I m also told that any money collected at the funeral the brother will keep all , this because he lives in the village and when someone dies he will go and have to pay . When we were married here he did the same thing threw a big wedding lots of food and whiskey for his friends , we paid for nothing , he kept all the money from that as well . Does this sound reasonable ? Currently my wife sends money home every month , sister none , brother none, its not a lot but still more than they send . Kind of pisses me off .... Or an I being to sensitive ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonray Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Many families are dysfunctional but in Thailand it is not at all unusual for one daughter to bear all the responsibility for the parents. Most sons here do not bear any responsibility as it is deemed they will be responsible for providing for their wife's family but not always the way it really happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ezzra Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Better no to upset the apple cart, let things happend as they may, and this too shall pass, trying to change culture and old habits will only invoke animosity and grudge down the line, do you really want it just because it doesn't look right to you?.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BEVUP Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Yes just let it flow Well that's pretty fair he kept the money from the wedding as he would of had to arrange & do everything. What he recieved would of probably only been a third or half the cost anyway The funeral should only be 3 days & maybe MIL has contributed to a fund in the village that provide money towards such loss in the future, so that may aquate to his 1/3 (he probably earns minimal money ) As for you/wife giving to the mother every mth (I suspect 2000 bht ) , the brother /Sis may not have that even though it would only require 1000 bht per head. But as far as Asian families are concerned the wealthiest persons (you & wife, maybe ) would be the ones expected to pay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bewildered66 Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 1 hour ago, BEVUP said: Yes just let it flow Well that's pretty fair he kept the money from the wedding as he would of had to arrange & do everything. What he recieved would of probably only been a third or half the cost anyway The funeral should only be 3 days & maybe MIL has contributed to a fund in the village that provide money towards such loss in the future, so that may aquate to his 1/3 (he probably earns minimal money ) As for you/wife giving to the mother every mth (I suspect 2000 bht ) , the brother /Sis may not have that even though it would only require 1000 bht per head. But as far as Asian families are concerned the wealthiest persons (you & wife, maybe ) would be the ones expected to pay Yes keeping the wedding money was no issue to me I couldnt have cared less . As far as him being poor , he makes about 25,000 a month for the government . Mil wants to donate her body to medical school . He insists must have big funeral . As far as helping , both brother and sister left there kids for the grand parents to raise and send to school . You think they sent money to help , not a chance . I just have a bad taste knowing my money will pay for a funeral , and worthless brother will make alot of money because of it . I will probably contribute a very small amount and say nothing , when the time comes . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichardColeman Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 15 hours ago, bewildered66 said: I m picking up that when the parents die , the brother will want the 5 days and nights of drinking eating and gambling Sorry, but how's that any different from any other day ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BB1955 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) 21 minutes ago, RichardColeman said: Sorry, but how's that any different from any other day Edited February 1, 2018 by BB1955 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thaibeachlovers Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 11 hours ago, ezzra said: Better no to upset the apple cart, let things happend as they may, and this too shall pass, trying to change culture and old habits will only invoke animosity and grudge down the line, do you really want it just because it doesn't look right to you?.... Agree. Fairness or otherwise is irrelevant. OP will only have problems if interferes. The OP should stay out of it entirely. If get asked for money, no obligation to give, but don't expect to get any back. However, if got free wedding might be nice to give a few thousand baht. Family gains face by a big do. It's none of the OP's business, only being a farang, and he will not understand the nuances involved. When it does happen, OP will be required to front up, but insist on only turning up on the last day. Take a camera as interesting. Be prepared to be very bored. Where does OP get 5 days from? My MIL only had 3. Normal for family to sleep in the house after the burning to stop her ghost returning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thaibeachlovers Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 6 hours ago, bewildered66 said: Yes keeping the wedding money was no issue to me I couldnt have cared less . As far as him being poor , he makes about 25,000 a month for the government . Mil wants to donate her body to medical school . He insists must have big funeral . As far as helping , both brother and sister left there kids for the grand parents to raise and send to school . You think they sent money to help , not a chance . I just have a bad taste knowing my money will pay for a funeral , and worthless brother will make alot of money because of it . I will probably contribute a very small amount and say nothing , when the time comes . YOU don't have to pay anything. Up to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mogandave Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Seems like a poor battle to pick. There only going to die once, assuming you remain married, you'll have a brother in law for a long time, why not make him an asset? In any event, when push comes to shove, (Thai or otherwise) blood is thicker than water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raesum Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 So the MIL hasn’t even died yet! You can have 3,5,7 or 9 nights of funeral services plus the cremation. There will be the cost of hiring the temple and associated costs eg cutlery and crockery, electricity etc plus every ceremony you must buy flowers and incense for each monk plus give each of them an envelope with money in it. There are also the several flower arrangements put on and around the coffin,( normally at least 7 small arrangements and one large one)plus the temple guy who does all the arranging of the body , plus the coffin itself, As for the cremation at our local temples you need to buy the diesel to start the incinerator( minimum 6000 Thai baht) as well as the gift to give all the attendees, plus the sandalwood flowers to place under the coffin at cremation time plus a all the robes that various people chosen by the family present to the temple monks. I have been to enough funerals here and been involved with also buying and cooking food for the guests when they arrive in the evening plus giving food halfway during the ceremony for those who arrived and didn’t have time to eat. Maybe you need to get yourself more hands on in the village procedures and customs to know that a funeral is more than as you describe.In the meantime I wish your mother in law “ Good Health” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BEVUP Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) 33 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said: Where does OP get 5 days from? My MIL only had 3. I just remembered something the wife told me The length of time may vary due to the fact that they can only burn on certain days of the week PS But OP obviously doesn't know that yet Edited February 1, 2018 by BEVUP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mogandave Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 6 minutes ago, BEVUP said: I just remembered something the wife told me The length of time may vary due to the fact that they can only burn on certain days of the week PS But OP obviously doesn't know that yet Any idea what the cheapest days to die are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catman20 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 all that marriage stuff is a mugs game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 7 hours ago, bewildered66 said: As far as him being poor , he makes about 25,000 a month for the government . With 25,000 baht per month, he must be the rich guy of the village! Most people live with 3,000 to 5,000 baht per month in the village Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mogandave Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 7 minutes ago, Brunolem said: With 25,000 baht per month, he must be the rich guy of the village! Most people live with 3,000 to 5,000 baht per month in the village Minimum wage is 9,000. No one working for the government or Lotus, or 7-11 or any big company is earning less than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) 7 hours ago, bewildered66 said: He insists must have big funeral . I just have a bad taste knowing my money will pay for a funeral , and worthless brother will make alot of money because of it . I will probably contribute a very small amount and say nothing , when the time comes . Nice of him to put his parents in the ground even though they are still alive and may still be in 5 or 10 years...unless they are already close to 80... Having said that, most if not all Thai families pay a special insurance to cover precisely this kind of expense. It costs between 5,000 and 7,000 baht per year, depending on the insured. On top of that, many villages have a special fund to help cover funeral expenses. A 5 day funeral is nothing BIG in itself...what makes the funeral big, or not, is the quantity of booze offered to the guests, which is up to each family. Finally, the cherry on the cake for those who want to have a really big funeral is to organize a molam! Depending on which band and dancers are requested for the occasion, this can cost a lot of money. As said by other members above: STAY OUT OF IT...play dumb...and if the wife wants to talk about it, tell her about the insurance...she obviously knows about it...all Thais know... As a matter of fact, when someone passes away, the first thing they talk about is how much the insurance will pay, so that they can get a good idea of how big the party, sorry, funerals, will be! I have witnessed it countless times... Edited February 1, 2018 by Brunolem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 4 minutes ago, mogandave said: Minimum wage is 9,000. No one working for the government or Lotus, or 7-11 or any big company is earning less than that. The problem is that in the village no one is working this kind of jobs! They are farmers, generally small farmers, and as such make their income from the little they sell and/or what the family members working in the city send... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topt Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 31 minutes ago, Brunolem said: most if not all Thai families pay a special insurance to cover precisely this kind of expense. It costs between 5,000 and 7,000 baht per year, depending on the insured. I have read this before on here but know for a fact that this is not necessarily a universal truth. I doubt I am the only one who has come across several families who do not have this insurance - and no it was not because I was presented with the bill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevemercer Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 The molam is usually held one year after the cremation, but is often delayed until the family can put together the money Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 9 minutes ago, topt said: I have read this before on here but know for a fact that this is not necessarily a universal truth. I doubt I am the only one who has come across several families who do not have this insurance - and no it was not because I was presented with the bill. The poorest families generally don't have the insurance, but they are not into big funerals, or anything big for that matter. In this case, both the village and the other families help by giving some money, at least to pay for the food. I believe you about not being presented with the bill...I have never been asked for anything when it comes to funerals, and yet there have been many, no less than 3 family members, living in houses next to me, last year! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mogandave Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 1 hour ago, Brunolem said: The problem is that in the village no one is working this kind of jobs! They are farmers, generally small farmers, and as such make their income from the little they sell and/or what the family members working in the city send... Wow, a village without a 7-11 or a government office. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) 48 minutes ago, Stevemercer said: The molam is usually held one year after the cremation, but is often delayed until the family can put together the money Depends on the families... There is something I forgot, that can be costly: the monks! Even though monks are not supposed to accept money, they do accept envelopes, preferably stuffed... And the larger the number of monks invited, the better the chances for the deceased to not come back haunting the village as a ghost! Even better is to hire a "singing monk", who is basically a monk praying a capella. This little luxury may set the family back almost 10,000 baht...per prestation! But who's counting? Edited February 1, 2018 by Brunolem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 2 minutes ago, mogandave said: Wow, a village without a 7-11 or a government office. Closest 7/11 is 22 km away! And the government/amphoe offices are a good 15 km away, at the end of a terrible road... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ditto Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 as you will be on the side lines as all farangs are at these events do just that. Nothing to do with you let the brothers and sisters sort it out. You are just there as a walking ATM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bewildered66 Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 56 minutes ago, Ditto said: events All this aside . I watched the last one he setup . Counting the money at the end , and what he spent , he did very well . If it was soley for the purpose of sending the parents off , i wouldnt mind as much . But as I know him he sees it as a chance to make big bucks . Im ok if he foots the costs , keep it all . But if the sisters kick in they should get atleast what they spent on it . Let him keep whats left who cares ... I ll keep quiet until I find myself digging into my pockets for an unreasonable amount of money . Loose face I could give a rats behind . The atm has been closed to them for a very long time . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BEVUP Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 5 minutes ago, bewildered66 said: All this aside . I watched the last one he setup . Counting the money at the end , and what he spent , he did very well . If it was soley for the purpose of sending the parents off , i wouldnt mind as much . But as I know him he sees it as a chance to make big bucks . Im ok if he foots the costs , keep it all . But if the sisters kick in they should get atleast what they spent on it . Let him keep whats left who cares ... I ll keep quiet until I find myself digging into my pockets for an unreasonable amount of money . Loose face I could give a rats behind . The atm has been closed to them for a very long time . Seems like we're getting to the point now The ATM'S been shut off - I know the feeling it has been a constant dripping tap (they keep BS the wife ) So I just kept turning that tap into the off position - I think i have conquered that (but at great cost ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brunolem Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 40 minutes ago, bewildered66 said: But as I know him he sees it as a chance to make big bucks . Im ok if he foots the costs , keep it all . But if the sisters kick in they should get atleast what they spent on it . Let him keep whats left who cares ... I have never seen any money left after a funeral, and any family member making money on such an occasion. The whole point is to spend all the available money, and then some... To be on the safe side, the best for you would be to find a reason to leave after, say, the second day of the funerals, since generally all the money issues are delt with at the end of the festivities. Another possibility would be to skip the event altogether, which I have done many times because it is pretty boring to sit down all day with people who are mostly here for the free food and drinks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1FinickyOne Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Sounds to me as though he has taken on the village responsibilities for the family. He does not seem to be making much if anything from this. I think unless you want all the village responsibilities, then let him be the man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hupaponics Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 15 hours ago, Brunolem said: Having said that, most if not all Thai families pay a special insurance to cover precisely this kind of expense. It costs between 5,000 and 7,000 baht per year, depending on the insured. And the payout is not bad at all. My MIL passed away 2016 and insurance payout was 250.000B. That covers the funeral. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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