What's Your Favourite Joke

[suegha]

Many of my favourite jokes are only good in the telling, ie, can't be written down. However, one that makes me laugh again and again...

A man is stnding at a bus stop outside a Jewellers. He sees off in the distance a little grey dot, as the dot gets closer he realises it's an elephant. The elephant skids to a stop, throws a brick through the window and runs off with all the jewellry. Later the police come to interview the witnesses. The man recounts the story in full detail. The policeman asks, "Was it an African or an Indian elephant?" The man says "I don't know the difference, it was just a big elephant!" The policeman, trying to be helpful says, "Well, African elephants have big ears, and Indian elephants have small ears." To which the man replies, "I don't know, it had a nylon stocking over it's head!"

Cracks me up every time!

Go on, post your all time favourite.

[lampard10]

Man walks up to his friend and says.

" Had my dog put down yesterday"

friend. " Was it mad?"

man" Wasn't too fukcing pleased"

[Little Black Duck]

John Howard and the Bush

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said,"Peter I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."

“Right PM," said Costello. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

“G,day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up.”

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with a stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his

shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.

"Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two <deleted>!"

[baabaabobo]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a chinese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the chinaman.

"Alright mate. Where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the chinese, looking perplexed.

Realizing the man has misunderstood, the bin-man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?".

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Chinese, "I wheelie bin having wank"

[ashacat]

Thats a classic Bababobo!!

[steveromagnino]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a chinese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the chinaman.

"Alright mate. Where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the chinese, looking perplexed.

Realizing the man has misunderstood, the bin-man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?".

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Chinese, "I wheelie bin having wank"

Chinaman? f&*K you too.

OK, my turn.

My dog has no nose

how does he smell?

very bad.

[bendix]

There are two flies on a piece of s**t.

One of them farts.

The other one says: "Do you mind! I'm having my dinner."

Boom boom

[pumpuiman]

A horse walks in to a bar.....the bartender asks "Why the long face"?

[lampard10]

A horse walks in to a bar.....the bartender asks "Why the long face"?

Oh yes.

A large white horse walks into a bar, sits down, beckons to the barman with his hoof and orders a double Scotch.

The bar tender was gob-smacked.

" I suppose you'd like the one that's named after you" he eventually said.

" What? Clarence?" replied the horse.

[begsaresponse]

Cowboy riding across the desert stops his horse suddenly having seen a red indian standing upright with headdress on sheild on one arm and speak in the other. Has a huge erection. Cowboy says what the <deleted> is goin on here. Indian says," I look at sun I look at shadow of manhood on ground, I tell time" Cowboy says ok tell me the time. Indian looks at shadow and says 2.30 p.m. Cowboys looks at watch and say my god hes right! Gets back on his horse a few minutes later comes to a screetching halt. Yet another Indian with the Headress,Sheilds,Spear and yes with massive manhood. Cowboy says well what your story? The Indian replies I tell time when I look at sun and shadow of manhood I tell time. Cowboy says go on then. Indiam looks at the sun, and the shadow and says its 4.30 p.m. Cowboy says my god hes right, looking at his watch. He gets going on his horse again, and a little while later the horse stops rears and bleats out strange noises. Here is another Indian, with the headress.The spear and shield is next to him on the ground. The feathers of his headress are shaking, his face contorted, in fact he is having a wank. Cowboy says to him what are you doing? Indian relies" I wind up watch"

[Momo8]

Two drunks sitting in the bar on the 78th floor of JinMao Tower in Shanghai (world's second tallest building).

One drunk says to the other :" Hey, did you know that if I jump out of that window,the updraft will carry me back up to this barstool, and I won't hit the pavement?"

"Yeah sure," replies the other drunk "A thousand bucks says you can't do it."

"OK,you're on". So the drunk jumps out of the window and sure enough the updraft carries him back up to his barstool.

"Give me my grand" he says to the drunk." 10 000 says you can do it too".

"Amazing, let me have a go" says the other drunk.So he jumps out the window and f-a-l-l-s all the way down and hits the pavement.

The barman turns to the remaining drunk.

"Superman, you can be a real a$$hole when you get drunk" hehehe.Applause on cue.

Edited February 2, 2007 by Momo8

[suegha]

Two nuns cycling down a street when One says to the other, "I've never come this way before", the other says, "It's the cobblestones".

Actually one of my wife's favourites, but I like it too!

[maccaroni man]

two drunks sitting on a park bench watching a dog lick himself, one ask the other wouldn't you like to do that? and he replies: ya but he bites!

[suegha]

Heard a variation on this where one says 'I wish I could do that' and the other says, 'I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a dig biscuit!'

[2long]

While a kiddy fiddler was prowling the roads near primary schools he pulled up alongside a girl and said "Hey, would you like to come into my car for a sweet?" to which she replied "Yeah but show me your dick first!" He thought this was wrong, as his perversion was due to his liking of control and innocence. Therefore he drove up to a boy and asked "Would you like to come into my car for a sweet?" To which the boy replied, "If you give me the whole bag, mister, I'll come into your mouth!"

They grow up so fast nowadays!

[Pink Mist]

two nuns arrive back at the convent after dark, get inside and one says wears the candle, other one says sure does.

[suegha]

two nuns arrive back at the convent after dark, get inside and one says wears the candle, other one says sure does.

Variation on this one...

Two nuns in a bath, one says "wears the soap" the other says "sure does"!

[soap]

old harold (85) sits in the retirement homes garden every day chatting to old mary (83) one day old harold says to old mary,you know what i miss most these days?no says old mary, sex says old harold,but your to old for sex these days says old mary, i know says old harold but before my wife passed away she used to take my manhood out and just hold it for me,old mary says i can do that for you ,so down comes the zip,out comes his manhood and the two of them sit there with old mary holding old harolds manhood.

this goes on for a few weeks.old mary enjoys sitting there just holding old harolds manhood untill one day she comes looking for him,no sign of old harold, so old mary searches the gardens and finds old harold sitting in the corner with old mabel whose holding old harolds manhood.

old mary says, you 2 timing bas*ard whats she got that i haven"t got,

old harold says with a smile on his face

parkingsons

[suegha]

An unexpected punch-line and it made me chuckle!!!

[soap]

the inmates of the lunitic asylum are all off their cake,

mad milly runs around in a wheelchair but she thinks its a porshe,she comes racing around the corner to find mad jimmy who thinks hes a policeman "STOP"says mad jimmy your doing 75 mph in a built up area,fined 2000 baht, off she goes again racing around the next corner she sees mad harry he thinks hes a policeman aswell "STOP" says mad harry you drove dangerous around the corner fined 2000 baht,

off she goes again racing around the next corner she sees mad mick standing there bollockco with a great big stalker on,

"oh no"she says

NOT THE BREATHALYSER AGAIN

[suegha]

the inmates of the lunitic asylum are all off their cake,

mad milly runs around in a wheelchair but she thinks its a porshe,she comes racing around the corner to find mad jimmy who thinks hes a policeman "STOP"says mad jimmy your doing 75 mph in a built up area,fined 2000 baht, off she goes again racing around the next corner she sees mad harry he thinks hes a policeman aswell "STOP" says mad harry you drove dangerous around the corner fined 2000 baht,

off she goes again racing around the next corner she sees mad mick standing there bollockco with a great big stalker on,

"oh no"she says

NOT THE BREATHALYSER AGAIN

Really, really funny, and unexpected, thanks!

[Lucifer]

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the ######ers have managed to nick a motorbike already

[Lucifer]

A bad doctor joke:

A girl tells her doctor "ive got a bad discharge ". The doctor says "drop your knickers girl". he fingers her and asks how that feels. She replies, "feels great, but the discharge is in me ear"

[farangsay]

The newly elected Conservative MP renders an official vist to a

mental institution in her constituency. The director is brown-nosing

for all he is worth and tells her he is fully behind her party's policy

of getting long-term mental patients back into the community and

suggests she visit the lounge where she can chat to some of the

inmates who are soon to be released.

She sees one guy making strange arm-extended throwing motions

and asks him if he is excercising.

"Well ma'am" he says "The director says I will be getting out soon

and I should be thinking of a job and I'd really like to be a tennis pro".

Another guy is swinging his clasped hands past his knee. Yes , you

guessed it , a wannabe golf pro.

Then she spies a guy sitting in the corner with his trousers round

his ankles and his willy stuffed in a bag of peanuts.

"I don't know what you think you are doing young man but that

certainly won't help you when you get out of here" she exclaims.

The guy slowly looks up with one eye and says "Sure can't you

see I'm f*cking nuts lady , I ain't never getting out of here".

[helicoptor]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a chinese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the chinaman.

"Alright mate. Where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the chinese, looking perplexed.

Realizing the man has misunderstood, the bin-man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?".

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Chinese, "I wheelie bin having wank"

I have conversations like this every day!

[suegha]

A bad doctor joke:

A girl tells her doctor "ive got a bad discharge ". The doctor says "drop your knickers girl". he fingers her and asks how that feels. She replies, "feels great, but the discharge is in me ear"

Your scouse joke was funny (although a little close to the bone) this on is fab!!! Really made me laugh...

[soap]

one from ken dodd

old milly goes the doctors and says " doctor im having trouble sleeping"

the doctor says "well i think at your age we can allow you a little drink before you go to sleep"

old milly says "every night i have a double brandy, 2 large scotch a triple gin and tonic and 2 pints lager"

the doctor says "well why cant you sleep"

old milly says "im up all night singing and dancing"

[Jet Gorgon]

Tiger Woods is chatting to Stevie Wonder, and Stevie says, "Ya, I play a mean game of golf."

Tiger says, "How do you know where to shoot for?"

"I have a point man standing at the hole and he whistles."

"Oh, well, maybe we can play a friendly round."

"Nope," says Stevie, "I only play for $10,000 a hole."

"Geez, you're on," says Tiger, "When do you want to tee off?"

"Midnight tomorrow."

[Lucifer]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up

leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her

around his apartment, she notices that one wall is of his bedroom

iscompletely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are

threeshelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly

teddybears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly

arrangethem and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he

had putinto organizing the display. There were small bears all along the

bottom shelf, medium sized bears covering the length of the middle

shelfand huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a

large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and

actuallyis quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a

while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my god! Maybe, this guy could be the

one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children!

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds

warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he

romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they

rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so

overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,

more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in the afterglow. They woman rolls over,

gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

and says...

". . Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[suegha]

Oh my, can this be anybody's favourite joke!?!?