12 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," one priest says to other, "it would be better to shorten the sign to 'Bridge Out' instead?"
 

That's like the two glasgow bus jokes.

Passenger.

Does this bus go to Deniston Palais?

Conductress.

Naw, it canny dance.

 

Passenger

Does this bus cross Jamaica Street bridge. 

Conductress

If it disnae there's goanie be a hell of a splash.

 

It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out of the room with tears streaming down his face, shouting "it's a boy!  It's a boy!"

We never went back to that bar again.

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted - as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches ?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches ? Why would he need crutches ?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife stonefaced, "you'll be lengthening his legs, won't you ?"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma - There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

Liverpool once tried to get Yul Brynner to advertise their new aftershave but he turned them down.

Yul never wore cologne.....

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”

I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter.

 

“Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”

Funniest Joke 

 

just put this up here, in memory of Terry Jones 

 

RIP 

 

today the news came out

 

 

 

 

On 1/23/2020 at 10:29 PM, WorriedNoodle said:

 

That is so <deleted>' sick! 

Ed Sheeran has agreed to stand in for Prince Harry for the unforseeable future.

 

 

There has been an explosion at the cheese factory in France.
There is nothing left but de brie.

Two young boys are talking before school.

"My uncle ran for Senate last year," the first boy says to his classmate.
"Really?" the second boy asks. "What does he do now?"
"Nothing," the first boy explains. "He got elected."

PS;  For non Brits "Paddington" is a major rail station in London.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. 
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. 

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."   "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. 

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

 

"Do I need to say any more your Honour?"