20 minutes ago, oxo1947 said:

That may be fixed with a suitable diet,for her!

 

A highway patrol officer was sitting in his car on the shoulder, radar ready, when a car crawled past doing exactly 22 miles per hour.

He blinked.

"Now that’s just as dangerous as speeding," he muttered, flipping on his lights.

He pulled the car over and walked up to the driver’s side window.

Inside were six elderly ladies — two in the front, two in the back, and two squished in the middle — all looking absolutely petrified, their eyes wide like they’d just seen a ghost.

The woman behind the wheel rolled down her window and smiled sweetly.

“Good afternoon, officer. Was I speeding?”

“Not quite,” he replied. “But driving far below the speed limit can be just as risky. May I ask why you were going 22 miles an hour?”

She looked confused. “Well, that’s what the sign said — Route 22!”

The officer stifled a laugh.

“Ma’am… that’s the route number, not the speed limit.”

Her cheeks flushed pink. “Oh dear,” she said. “That explains a lot.”

He nodded and glanced inside the vehicle again.

“I have to ask… are your passengers alright? They look like they’ve seen a ghost.”

The driver leaned over and whispered,

“They’ll be fine in a minute, Officer... we just got off Route 142.”

3 minutes ago, jvs said:

That may be fixed with a suitable diet,for her!

Nothing gets past you...

They just released a remake of Ben Hur, starring Sam Smith.
Ben They, Them.

DAUGHTER: I need to go to the toilet.

ME: *pulls into nearest service station*

DAUGHTER: Thanks Dad.

ME: Make sure you're back in 5 minutes.

DAUGHTER: I will.

ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.

DAUGHTER: I don't have a brother.

ME: Exactly.

Everyone assumes my Alaskan puppy has a sore throat,

but he’s just a little husky.

I dream of being a millionaire - like my dad.

He dreamt of being a millionaire as well.

I went to the bank and said I'd like to open a joint account.

"With whom?" They asked.
I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"

Farmer Dave went to see his neighbour Dan one day. Come rain or shine, Dan would always be outdoors, tending the crops or checking his animals.
But not today. Dave couldn't see Dan anywhere, but eventually he found him in the barn.
He was sat by the side of his beloved Massey-Ferguson, there was soft music playing, a table was laid with a white cloth, a candle burned brightly and rose petals lay scattered on the floor.
Dave was confused. He asked Dan what was going on.

"Well, if you must know," replied Dan, "my marriage has been a bit rocky lately. We went to marriage counselling and the counsellor said that I wasn't putting enough effort into our relationship and that I need to make more effort to win back my wife's affection.

In the end, he suggested I do something romantic to a tractor..."

 

 

."Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are