in 1987, world famous jockey Lester Piggott was sentenced to 3 years in prison for tax evasion.

On his first day, he finds himself sharing a cell with a 20 stone, 6 foot 3 seasoned convict. Lester gets on the top bunk when the lights go out. Suddenly, Lester feels a hand gripping his bony ankle.

In a gruff voice, " Now Lester, its traditional that when the lights go out, cellmates play mummies and daddies. As its your 1st night, I will let you choose which one you want to be."

"Lester briefly thinks about the situation and says " I would like to be daddy". Convict replies "A very wise choice. Now come down here and suck mummies d**k.

What went wrong?

I was surprised to learn that Reuters were not novelists from Birmingham.

I've just returned from the final of the manicure world championships.

What a nail biting finish that was.

I won first place in a muscle losing contest.

And all I got was atrophy.

Thomas The Tank Engine huffed and puffed as he pulled out of Paddington.

Paddington rolled over and had a post-coital marmalade sandwich.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They're my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

(To anyone who actually read all this, and wishes they hadn't, I refer you to the thread heading. And invite you to start a petition to get a 'groan' emoji added).