I've just been fired from my job at Madame Tussauds for giving Suntans to Jim Morrison and his bandmates.

They told me to get out and never darken their doors again.

I'm downloading the Titanic soundtrack from the cloud.

It's syncing right now.

Thinking back, I only remember seeing a few people that were Kung Fu fighting.

A Royal Marines colonel was posted to the Ministry of Defence. A few days later, while walking with a colleague, to the tube station, he spotted a man, begging in a doorway, holding a sign saying,

''Hungry and homeless Falklands veteran. Please help.''

The two Royal Marines were appalled, and told him they were out there, too, and sympathised with him. The colonel handed over some tenners, and said, ''Here, get yourself some dinner, and that's for your breakfast.''

The other officer also handed over some money, and told the beggar, ''Get yourself a room tonight.''

The Falklands veteran smiled, saying, ''Gracias, senor.''

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position at the local police station.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well,With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Croatia tries to attract Pattaya expats by naming a community after them.

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position at the local police station.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well,With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

That strangely reminded me of a scene in "Porridge" some years ago...

Edited Saturday at 09:25 AM5 days by VBF

21 hours ago, Crossy said:

Some suckers will swallow anything! 🙄

A man buys a pie from his local butchers and takes it home to eat for his dinner. Before he eats it he opens the pie up and notices a worm in it, so he goes back to the butchers and gives the pie back to the butcher and says, "there's a worm in that pie you sold me".

The butcher looks at it and says, "that's fat".

The man says, "I should think it is, it's eaten all the meat".

(Apologies to Tommy Cooper).

Found this on X

.