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The wife wants another baby from me

davidst01

By davidst01
in Family and Children

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davidst01 Silver Member

davidst01

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Posted (edited)

The wife and I married 5 yrs ago. We have a delightful yet demanding 4 year old toddler. She now wants another one. 

 

Facts:

- Im in late 40s and happy with 1 child. 

- We have a successful and profitable business now and are financially strong. I suppose we could pay for a full time nanny if I did impregnate her and this would decrease my work load.

- My wifes mother retires in 5 months and said she could live with us semi permanently. She is a nice lady and I respect her a lot but if she is around all the time I could find this kind of annoying

- I found it quite stressful in the first few yrs of our baby. Its a lot of work and I wasnt very happy at the time. Its a lot better now. 

- Having my first child was a grounding experience for me and I think I've evolved into a better person since starting a family. I never thought it would happen to me and nor did my family / friends back home. In fact I remember one cynical friend saying to me 'bit of a shocker'. But Im doing a fine job raising my child and dont care about these opinions. Im glad to have her in my life and give her the absolute best of everything- love, health, education etc.

- We have 4 staff and 1 is pregnant. I suspect this is another reason why she wants to get pregnant. 

- I feel selfish if I dont oblige and give her what she wants. My life has improved so much since meeting her. 

- I just want peace in my life now and find 1 child to be quite full on. Lots of noise and tantrums sometimes. All part of the parenting package but double trouble if we have another one. My happiness will decrease with the extra stress. 

- A few months ago tensions were high between my wife and I and I wondered if in fact she really did care for me anymore. She didnt answer this question and I felt she really only cares for our baby and her thai parents! Our relationship is a bit rocky sometimes. 

- My wife lets me go away once a month to be alone. I usually go to a beach location to take time out. If we have a newborn I will probably not be able to continue this. Our staff and her family will judge me for this of course. 

- My wife is a good looking women and has numerous 'admirers'. One customer allegedly was flirting with her last week. Although I think the risk is low... if I don't abide by her request to have another child maybe she will look elsewhere. 

 

I concede some of my comments seem a bit heartless but have to think about myself in this situation. I would prefer to only receive comments from male members who have existing Thai children/ families. Deep down I don't really want to have another child. What should I do about this issue?

 

thanks

 

Edited by davidst01
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dotpoom Gold Member

dotpoom

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4 minutes ago, catman20 said:

Deep down I don't really want to have another child. What should I do about this issue?

 

get a vasectomy, i did.

Doesn't solve the OP's worry about wife looking elsewhere for someone to make her pregnant again?

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mike787 Gold Member

mike787

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Do what YOU want.  In the end, you can deny yourself what "feels" right so she can feel happy, but if you never get on board with her wants/needs, it will be worse later.  On the other hand, if you don't impregnate her, you're right someone else will.  Do you both have the type of relationship where that result will have a positive effect on both your lives? Bottom line is, you know what's in it for her; but what's in it for you...must consider all options win or lose outcome; ie, married or divorced.

Edited by mike787
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myshem Explorer Member

myshem

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So you had a first kid that you didn't really want and just accepted because SHE wanted it, and now you are ready to have a second one that SHE wants. What a man ! you control your life very well it seems, she must really in love with a man like you...

 

 

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khunPer Diamond Member

khunPer

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Posted (edited)
On 2/27/2019 at 6:24 AM, davidst01 said:

I concede some of my comments seem a bit heartless but have to think about myself in this situation. I would prefer to only receive comments from male members who have existing Thai children/ families. Deep down I don't really want to have another child. What should I do about this issue?

I understand you very well, having a half-Thai child myself – my only child – and not interested in a second one, even my GF (we're not married) wished one more. That would also be more like natural, like two children one day replacing two old grown-ups.

 

I was firm about it, and now we are happy – at least so it seem – with one daughter, that has just entered teenage.

 

I was lucky to be able to afford a live-in nanny for the first many years, so a baby, and later toddler, in the house didn't become a burden, and we could continue life almost as usual. I had my child late, because I felt it would be too much of a burden, before I was financially ready. So in case you should end of with one more child I will recommend you should use that option, as you say its financially possible for you. 

 

Finance is worth a consideration when talking about children, especially in Thailand, and was one of my major concerns for having one child only. If you want your child to attend a reasonable good school, starting from Kindergarten, it'll cost you. I originally calculated as a hand rule, that a child is a five million baht "investment" – in my Scandinavian home country a child is considered to cost one million in local krone-currency (equals five million baht), but schools and university are free, and there are a lot of governmental support, also in cash – it could easily be more than five million baht if you opt for the better end of international schools, or include uni-expenses. My considerations was that I had the funds for one child, and a happy life for myself and my GF, whilst having one more child could result in a lot of cuts here-and-there, including downgrading school allowance for both children. Would the last be unfair or even irresponsible? And what if a second child, and lack of happiness between my GF and me because of extra burden and less funds, would end up with a split of the family in worst case scenario, would that also be irresponsible for my first child, or both?

 

Deep down I also "don't really want to have another child", and so far I've managed well with one only – but perhaps I win the lottery at next draw...:whistling:

 

Edited by khunPer
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Amplish Apprentice Member

Amplish

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That's quite the conundrum and I am surprised you ask on a ThaiVisa forum. In my experience the biggest change is after the first child, the second actually doesn't make that much difference, of course this depends on the circumstances, the children and the support network you have. Also keep in mind that at age 4, your first child will be going to school so that is less work/mayhem during the school hours. Me and my wife also spaced our kids out 4 years apart, partly because of keeping it manageable.

 

Without reading too much into it, your mother in-law moving in might be more disruptive for your marriage than a second child. It could also be great support for your wife. Whether it would reduce your stress levels, I doubt it, if you state you don't want her to move in permanently.

 

Personally I think a good marriage and life is worth making compromises for. However if you really don't feel like getting a second child, I suggest you discuss that openly with your wife. It is a big decision, but you should know better if it is possible to discuss things reasonably with your wife. I have always discussed big decisions related to family/work/moving etc... with my wife (and children), because that is where you should start. Ask her why she wants a second child, discuss the why it is a problem for you and together you should be able to work things out. If you have genuine arguments for why you don't want to and you can make clear it really is that much of a problem to you, your wife should see that and adjust. Compromises should not come just from one side.

 

You don't mention how old your wife is, but perhaps she is old enough to start worrying about not being able to conceive in a few more years. Alternatively, if she is still young, perhaps you are worrying that after a second child an third (and a fourth) might be a possibility.

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gavlar Senior Member

gavlar

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As a serial baby maker I can vouch that 2 is actually easier than 1, they require actually less of your time as they prefer to play together. In relation to what's important to you I would say that if you say yes then there needs to be an agreed level of compromise I.e you still get your chill down breaks, grand mum doesn't move in but welcome 9 to 5 etc etc

Good luck

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rickudon Gold Member

rickudon

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I have 2 children from my first marriage and one with my Thai wife. As she is in her 40's she decided to not have another, with which i am content. BUT as was stated 2 kids will play together some of the time. One kid will become a bit needy and spoilt. It is easier to play games with 2 children rather than one. This is an issue with my daughter, as has few relatives near her age and she plays the computer too much.

 

Talk about it to your wife, I am sure that you will get some personal time and M-in-law could be useful there. If money is an issue talk about that, but if you lower the bar a bit you can find good schools at reasonable cost - government does provide some good free kindergarten schools, and my daughter goes  to one of the best semi-private schools in our city for around 40,000 baht a year.

 

 

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xtrnuno41 Gold Member

xtrnuno41

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SO you discussed the option of a second child with her and probably weren't that positive.

In a woman's that blows.

I know when having a first one with my wife, it was troubling. I didnt need to have kids first, but that sure worked on her mind.

So i had nr 1 and later ofcourse there should be nr 2. As nr 1 was already there, i got used to be a father. ONly when you become a father, then you grow into be a father. So went for nr 2, though i wasnt really into it

It changes situations and relations, it just happens, no matter what.

Your wife now has her mind on a second child and that is strong in a woman. 

Your rocky relationship now could be due to that. Its hormones and mind of a woman !!

With your first one, you noticed already a change in your relationship or maybe not that much first, as you grow to be father, you change as well.

But never the less for a woman child, comes first then and you get a step down. Every change in your family will give a change in your life, fact of life.

I ended up with a divorce when my kids were 4 and 7 and i still (after decades) havent got a clue why. I thought, we were doing ok. I thought, i did everything right. 

In the mind of a woman there goes on a lot and you never know what is going on. If you try to talk about it, you even dont get an answer. THey say they want to talk about what ever is bothering you and show feelings, but huh huh you cant talk to your woman about that. Make up stories, lie , they think its ok as long as its in here way she wants to hear.

So be aware what you say, as they carry it in their heads for ever and will be returned to you sometime. 

Ive seen, met, lived, heard so many things about (x) married people, i wonder if it is even possible to live as man and wife. I do envy the people who can. 

I think you can have that second one, but what it holds for the future, its like reading tea leaves in a cup. For your wife it can have quite a mental impact as for now, but could also be in the (near by) future. Now her mind and hormones say "i want a second child" , its hard to ignore in behaviour.

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NanLaew Star Member

NanLaew

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On 2/27/2019 at 5:24 AM, davidst01 said:

... I usually go to a beach location to take time out. If we have a newborn I will probably not be able to continue this. ...

Me, me, me, meanwhile...

 

The second kid will bridge that chasm you have let open up between you and your wife and eventually you will discover that you don't need... no, you don't want your Pattaya time outs any more.

 

PS. Ramayana Water Park is awesome, more so with my wife and two kids in tow.

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Lacessit Star Member

Lacessit

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The OP does not state the age of his wife. If she is in her thirties, her chances of conceiving a Downs' syndrome child will increase significantly. Then it's the choice of an abortion, or a life sentence for the parents.

I don't what Thai laws and regulations are w.r.to abortion. The OP should check that for himself.

 

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Damrongsak Platinum Member

Damrongsak

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We had two boys, 5 years apart.  Difficult times in between.  Older one was near-genius, perfect kid.  The younger one was difficult.  Fast forward, the older boy got killed in combat with the Marines in Iraq at age 20 while he was away from his free scholarship in engineering school at college.  The young hot-head (hard-head?) did community college and is now a crackerjack machinist/programmer and is the light of our life. Glad we had two.

 

 

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Hanaguma Platinum Member

Hanaguma

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20 hours ago, Fred white said:

If he gets a vasectomy and then she gets pregnant then he'll know she was cheating

I'd say get "the snip" on one of his personal weekends but don't tell the boss. Then you can try and try and try and try to get her pregnant, and also enjoy the pleasure of non-rubberized sex!  As long as you keep making the effort, she won't have anything to complain about.

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NanLaew Star Member

NanLaew

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On 2/28/2019 at 2:08 PM, Lacessit said:

If she is in her thirties, her chances of conceiving a Downs' syndrome child will increase significantly.

There's a global standard test administered to pretty much every prenatal Thai woman that makes this much less of the OMG moment than one would suggest.

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