3 hours ago, kiteman9 said:

My family asked me if I wanted to be burnt or buried and I told them I would like them to surprise me.

I've told mine they can do whatever they like, just make certain I'm dead first!

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

 

"Yes, I know" feels like "Yes, that the way it is and we can't do anything about it." Which might be true, but it's (at least for me) unusual to admit there is nothing that can be done.

If she has been told she has terminal cancer then indeed thete is nothing that can be done to keep her from dying. There may be things that will postpone it a little but these usually come at a price (unpleasant procedures, time doent in hospitals that she might have rather had at home etc) and she will have to decide what is and isn't worth it.

 

You can be sure she has had these discussions with her doctor.

 

Replying "I know" isn't nothing. It conveys your sympathy and your receptiveness to hearing about it. Too many people try to rebut the truth -- ostensibly to help give hope but in truth usually because they feel uncomfortable acknowledging the truth-- and this has a very isolating effect on the dying person.

 

4 hours ago, allanos said:

Spike Milligan was humorous, even post-mortem.  The epitaph on his headstone (at St Thomas', Winchelsea), reads, “I told you I was ill”!

Yer unfortunately no one can read it as its not in English................. for years he didn't have a headstone as the Diocese of Chichester refused to allow Spike's chosen words on his headstone. His grave was marked only by some plants and a small statue but a compromise was finally reached and the words "Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite--Gaelic were placed on it.

 

 

As a former funeral home and cemetery manager, I sat in with over 3500 families that had lost a loved one and helped them to make final arrangements. I attended most of the graveside services and even visited many of them at home or in the hospital before they passed away. They just want to be treated with dignity and respect. They know they're dying and they just want to know that their life counted for something and they had purpose. I usually tried to discover what they were most proud of in their lives and leave them with some affirmation that they indeed made a significant contribution to their little corner of the world, if that were the case of course. This is the time when most people just need a pat on the back. You'd be surprised at how many have never had that. Do what you can to get them to laugh, for laughter is good medicine for the bones. The conversation doesn't always have to be too deep and serious.  

2 hours ago, KhunFred said:

If I'm dead, how will I know and why would I care? I actually had a Thai woman tell me that the soul stays conscious for a while after death and would feel pain if one donated their body to science. The level of ignorance is roughly equivalent to Protestantism in the southern United States.

I also don't care if you are dead. What's the point of your comment?

When im dying i would like to know, specifically how long would be nice. I wouldnt tell any friends or familly, dont want them treating me different.

 

I also would prefer not to talk about it at all. Would tell the gf though just n case she comes home and the smell is worse than normal.

 

Buts thats just me, others may want to talk about it. Individual tastes. I would leave it to her, maybe talk about your own life and thoughts, she may open up.

10 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

But until now I avoid talking about dying.

I don't know if I should pretend she will live many years more, which is possible but not likely. Or would it make sense to talk more direct about death.

Let her talk about what she wants to talk about, no need to say stuff she doesn't want to hear.

Did this last year with my best pal who was dying from AIDs, I knew he was dying, he didn't and wanted to make plans for when he was well enough to come back to Thailand. He spent a year in the London hospital fading away. Only admitted he was dying in the last two weeks, then was totally incomprehensible for the last week.

All done on Messenger. He was only 59.

I might ask her a question.  Maybe she needs that to know it’s ok to talk about more personal thoughts.  
something like: How have your feelings about life and death changed since you first went to the doctor? 
As others have said, then be the listener.  You don’t have to fix anything, help anything.  Just let her speak.  If she pushes it aside then you find out she doesn’t want to go there.