Mom Has A Gambling Problem

[vtwin]

So my wife's mom is a gambling addict. My wife and I had thought she had given up on it after nearly getting divorced by dad over the last incident where she ended up owing something like 200K baht. That was years ago.

My wife always "gives" money to mom, but not much, like a few thousand baht a month. We thought she would use that for personal items / shopping, whatever.

But the truth turns out to be different. My wife - who on top of it all is pregnant with our first child - was in Bangkok recently when suddenly debt collectors showed up at the house. She had no choice but to hand over 40K baht or who knows what would have happened to Mom.

We live in the country so we don't really have much contact with her and dad works all day. My wife didn't tell dad about this because she fears he will just seek divorce.

I realize we can't really solve their problems - which they obviously have - but I need to get her off the gambling. Not only can she waste away a limitless amount of money, it will also break the family.

I don't know much about this except what I saw on TV - it's just an addiction like any other addiction it takes over the personality and changes people. I don't believe she will stop all on her own.

So in this case, what can we do to make it stop? I kind of want to get mom here into the country but she doesn't really want to come - I assume that's in part because she would be away from her gambling people. Which is exactly why I want her here.

Does anyone have experience with gambling addiction and / or advice on how to handle it? Like I said, there's a snowball's chance in hel_l that she will see the errors of her ways and just stop all on her own. It won't happen. Alternative solutions are needed.

Edited May 15, 2007 by vtwin

[Gary A]

So my wife's mom is a gambling addict. My wife and I had thought she had given up on it after nearly getting divorced by dad over the last incident where she ended up owing something like 200K baht. That was years ago.

My wife always "gives" money to mom, but not much, like a few thousand baht a month. We thought she would use that for personal items / shopping, whatever.

But the truth turns out to be different. My wife - who on top of it all is pregnant with our first child - was in Bangkok recently when suddenly debt collectors showed up at the house. She had no choice but to had over 40K baht or who knows what would have happened to Mom.

We live in the country so we don't really have much contact with her and dad works all day. My wife didn't tell dad about this because she fears he will just seek divorce.

I realize we can't really solve their problems - which they obviously have - but I need to get her off the gambling. Not only can she waste away a limitless amount of money, it will also break the family.

I don't know much about this except what I saw on TV - it's just an addiction like any other addiction it takes over the personality and changes people. I don't believe she will stop all on her own.

So in this case, what can we do to make it stop? I kind of want to get mom here into the country but she doesn't really want to come - I assume that's in part because she would be away from her gambling people. Which is exactly why I want her here.

Does anyone have experience with gambling addiction and / or advice on how to handle it? Like I said, there's a snowball's chance in hel_l that she will see the errors of her ways and just stop all on her own. It won't happen. Alternative solutions are needed.

Gambling seems to be a worse addiction than cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. I happen to know first hand that they will steal, sell their soul and/or body for more money to gamble with. Unfortunately you need to make a total break from her mother. Your poor wife won't be able to do that so I really don't see any answer other than to tell everyone concerned that you will NOT be responsible for her debts.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

[leisurely]

I really don't understand gambling addiction, cigs and booze yes, but betting. Not at all. Have you looked at the list of mental health help on the health forum? Alternatively could a monk talk to her? I wouldn't keep the news from her husband, he is bound to find out sooner or later. I would hate to think my man had a problem and I didn't know about it but other people did. I do know that there is an AA meeting in BKK and another bright idea would be to ask the opinion of the people on the 'I drink too much' part of the forum.

Good luck, as someone else said, you'll need it but concentrate on your own family (wife and child) they must take priority.

[chanchao]

Stop giving her even the slightest amount of money. I suggest establishing a very good relation with your dad-in-law who seems to be in the best position to control things. He will find out sooner or later anyway, so better to manage it and let him know you and your wife will help him fight this together.

[GuestHouse]

Chan's advice is good, take the problem to her husband and cut off any more funds.

You need also to have a word with your wife about setting limits on money going to her mother. Like how did the money lenders wind up at your house? The fact that your wife paid her debt has probably just raised her credit limit.

Also, what about other family members, its no good you cutting off funds if she can go else where.

Absolutely do not get her to move over to live with you, she'll bring her problem with her and she'll have direct access to everything in your house.

Gambling is available everywhere and anywhere in Thailand - So believe me, she'll be in the local card ring before she's got her bags unpacked.

A point to make to your wife is that right now she doesn't have a mother, the gambling addiction has hold of her mother. Providing funds, hiding the problem and bailing her out is not solving anything.

I personally think a direct discussion AT your MiL and in the company of the whole family in which she is told there are no more funds coming her way until she kicks gambling is the best aproach.

[chingching]

I think they have shown gambling addiction activates the same area of the brain as cocaine addiction. So will be a tough nut to crack. However if u can find someone to bet with, and you bet that mom will never stop gambling, maybe u can the whole thing a profit.

[SoCal]

I think the worst thing you can do is bail Mom out.

The second worst thing I think you can do is to confront Dad with the information. Maybe your wife, and that's another big if, but I would stay as far away from the issue as possible. Usually getting between a couple, even family, is the worst possible place to be.

As your wife is preganant with her first, why doesn't she tell Mom that she needs her help. I would think that Mom would have a hard time saying no, and that at least removes her from the current situation.

I think having your wife, and even a monk as mentioned bellow, talk to the mother and explain how this hurts them and the family, how you will not bail her out in the future, that you are cutting off the monthly stipend (if you so desire), etc. Then you really have to leave it to Mom. Somebody hel_l bent on destruction, even when they know how much it hurts those they love, will usually implode, and the only question is whether they take you/your wife as an emotional hostage in the process.

[damian5000]

I agree with what most others have already put. ANY material/monetary help you give her makes you part of the problem.

Edited May 16, 2007 by damian5000

[Rhys]

First of all.. sorry to hear about this.. The realities... It will not stop... she will lie, you're lives will suffer, the family will be stressed...Confrontation does not work.

Lay the law down.. NO more help... the collectors come for their blood.. well that's was her calling.. Invold the family..but they know already..Unfortunately, you are the rich farang..

Really.. This is such an individual problem resolution style approach.. The program for gambling addiction such as in America..don't work.. Remember it is not their concept of winning that thrills them.. they feel most alive when they lose.. yes, that is right when they lose..because at the deepest level the esteem is lowest..and this is a means to show the world.. see what has happened to me....they valid them self worth.

No my friend..Thai style, western style.. the covering up , lies, cheats, the pleas...it is all the same..

TOUGH LOVE... WALK AWAY.. Clean...

You have other things to take care of with a little one on the way.... Above all protect your resources, credit card numbers, accounts.. the full monty...

Best of luck.. What every you done.. it will be... Carry on

[blizzard]

usually the only way for healing is for the gambler to hit absolute rock bottom.

it wont happen if your wife pays the bill collectors. its one ot those things that if the addict doesnt want help nothing good will come out of your efforts.

[Joost]

As long as she doesnt want to stop gambling or even thinks she has a problem, she will simply not stop. And what is said before is quite true. Funding is like bringing water to the ocean and will never be enough. Do really not take her in your home, big change she will steal from you and it will put a stress on the others living there.

Only after she admits she has a problem you can start helping here, maybe by looking for AA meetings or other proffesional help? It is a nasty addiction which cant be solved by good intentions and love, she will break you...

[thedi]

I know this addiction from own experience (with a Thai girlfriend before I met my current wife). There is no way but: save yourself! You may try to save your wife and kid too, but be sure to save yourself. You may have to make an ultimatum to your wife: 'me or your mother'.

Somebody who is addicted to gambling (and after 200'000 baht loss she IS addicted), will not stop until she is on the very botton; until she will not have credit in any shop or with anybody. She will wail, she will beg, she will promis, she will use her authority as a mother ... for you this is not so much a problem, but for your wife!

Any Baht you give will only prolong the agony. Don't try to talk with her. She is addicted: she will lie, she will promis anything but she will not stop gambling until she is at the very bottom.

This is my experience.

Thedi

[colino]

I have a friend with a simalir problem started 11 years ago when he first got married , this was the sister inlaw gambling ,

My mate finaly left his wife 2 weeks ago he is skint and nothing to show for 11 years over here , (its family )

[lazeeboy]

I have a friend with a simalir problem started 11 years ago when he first got married , this was the sister inlaw gambling ,

My mate finaly left his wife 2 weeks ago he is skint and nothing to show for 11 years over here , (its family )

gambling makes you blind to loved ones around you ,if you dont give money to her ie bail her out this will upset your wife ,if you dont give the debt collectors may just kill your mother in law or even harm your own family ,im glad im not in your position ,i wish you luck cos your going to need it ...........

[Harley62]

Unfortunately, I know this situation all too well, as my Thai wife became addicted to gambling soon after entering the USA.

What was once an "innocent" game of "len pai" back at home (I even joined in!) with local friends and neighbors for a few measly Baht became a total commitment to the point of sickness (missing work, leaving me for days at a time, taking cash advances on Credit Cards at massively high Interest rates, trying to flirt (or more?) with strange men at the Casinos to get $$ out of them so she could gamble more), and of course the "glorification" of Texas Hold'Em on ESPN and major Sports Networks didn't help things any. It was so "easy" to her, anybody can do it, right?! NOT!

In spite of my best efforts to get her into Counseling (for her addiction, AND for our relationship) I ended up kicking her our of the house, and divorcing myself from her (financially and literally). Now, ten of thousands of dollars in debt, and her credit rating destroyed, the US Immigration Authorities are looking to send her back to Thailand--with a nice "black" mark in her Passport, never to return to the USA again. Collection agents and attorneys regularly called (for years after we split up!) my house, or sent threatening letters looking for her in order to recover their losses--and when I did occasionally communicate this to her, and the seriousness of not paying your bills in the USA, she was uncaring and basically said "as long as I have clothes and food and am free I am fine"!

So, do NOT underestimate the power of this addiction! I have SEEN the "beast" and believe me, it is a temptation stronger than anything known to mankind. It still hurts to say this, but you MUST divorce yourself from ANY association with an addict that is not willing to admit their problem, or else be taken down yourself.

I wish you strength and luck in your quest.

HB

[LoveDaBlues]

Have a monk she respects meet with her. Have the monk tell her if she gambles even one more time she will die. Worked for a friend of mine. His mom-in-law hasn't gambled in 4 years!

[mijan24]

I know this is an old post but the topic is still very very real and I speak from my own experience how devasting it can be - so i thought it was worth giving it a bump.

To summarise some of the points other posters have made:

Gambling is an addiction

Stop giving her (the addict) the slightest of money

Gambling is available everywhere in Thailand

I think gambling addiction activates the same area of the brain as cocaine

Funding is like bringing water to the ocean and there will nevere be enough

She will beg she will promise she will use her authority as a mother

Any baht you give will only prolong the agony --she is addicted she will lie, she will promise anything but she will not stop gambling until she is at the very bottom

Do not underestimate the power of this addiction! I have seen the beast and believe it is temptation stronger than anytrhing known to mankind

I support all of the above and stealing, lying, blaming others, using all types of reasons/excuses ( eg; see the monk, family needs money, lent own money to friend with Gamb prob, school fees, sickness self and or child etc etc etc) it's all justified in the addicts mind by obtaining one more go - unfortunately in the Thai Gamling Dens/Schools they allow credit on house deeds, car papers, gold, laptops etc. I have no doubt that some addicts would go so far as to offer their bodies and more importantly their babies as collateral.

I do not bring this forward in any bad way and there can be light at the end of the tunnel (personal experience) although this must be managed on a daily/weekly basis by the actual parties (addict & partner) involved otherwise in my view it becomes too easy to fall off the wagon and the indicators thatr show this is happening are not seen by 3rd parties until the addict has bolted.

LovDaBlues -- I can not agree with your post - sorry -The Monk thing even going on retreat fails in my experiences one friend went for this and the 4m debt increased to 6m before he realised it was game back on.

[torrenova]

I know this addiction from own experience (with a Thai girlfriend before I met my current wife). There is no way but: save yourself! You may try to save your wife and kid too, but be sure to save yourself. You may have to make an ultimatum to your wife: 'me or your mother'.

That is very true. I believe in being prepared so I would start on an exit strategy now.

I have a friend with a simalir problem started 11 years ago when he first got married , this was the sister inlaw gambling ,

My mate finaly left his wife 2 weeks ago he is skint and nothing to show for 11 years over here , (its family )

I can believe it.

gambling makes you blind to loved ones around you ,if you dont give money to her ie bail her out this will upset your wife ,if you dont give the debt collectors may just kill your mother in law or even harm your own family ,im glad im not in your position ,i wish you luck cos your going to need it ...........

Well, maybe that is what has to be done. I wouldn't sweat much over it if they had to pop the old dear off - her problem.

........... the "glorification" of Texas Hold'Em on ESPN and major Sports Networks didn't help things any. It was so "easy" to her, anybody can do it, right?! NOT!

.................. she was uncaring and basically said "as long as I have clothes and food and am free I am fine"!

So, do NOT underestimate the power of this addiction! I have SEEN the "beast" and believe me, it is a temptation stronger than anything known to mankind. It still hurts to say this, but you MUST divorce yourself from ANY association with an addict that is not willing to admit their problem, or else be taken down yourself.

I wish you strength and luck in your quest.

HB

I agree and you have to be prepared to cut them loose and let them die.

In all of this, everyone seems to be forgetting that the father nearly left before. I suggest they just tell him the truth now, he can divorce her, the family can disown her and forget about the black sheep. Or as near as possible. If my missus chose her mother over me and the kids it would be the last day she ever saw any of us.