Bad Marriage

[LaReina]

At what point do you call a bad marriage a bad marriage?

And what exactly is a bad marriage?

Is it an unsettling feeling in a marriage or does society tell us when we have it bad?

For instance, you are not being beaten, you are cared for, you are treated nicely, but you just don't feel loved. You are cared for, but you don't feel loved. Is that a bad marriage? Is that reason to say "I love you enough to let you go and find the one you can love" because you don't feel loved?

But then what is love? Is love that feeling of "whatever" you feel when you see that certain person? Is it what TV/Movies have told us love is? Or is love simply being cared for and respected?

And if all you feel is "cared for" is that a bad marriage?

[DrFisher]

l would suggest anything you see on TV or in the movies is just that TV and movies this is one of the problems in the world we are not given a true picture of how people really live and love in the world so everyone expects that their world should be full of love and money all the time. Just a quick example the TV show "friends" was very popular in the USA (I never got it) however being from that part of the country where it was filmed I can tell you how "the friends" lived it is unrealistic, they could not have even afforded a cup of coffee in the shop where they hung out let alone afford the apartments they lived in. International love is difficult because of culture not to mention language barriers and in some cases even religious issues. There is a lot more to the question you are asking and I would also say love is very much different for everyone. This is something you need to think on or at least expand on if you want to know the answer.

[sutnyod]

At what point do you call a bad marriage a bad marriage?

Congratulations for asking that question. Means you are probably not in one . I would call a marriage (or partnership) bad if I feel more lonely when he is around me than when he is away.

[boxingbeauty]

Relationships are tested constantly ... it is upto you to keep it going. It sounds like you're unhappy rather than not loved? Why is that? If the initial lust is fading a little, the relationship should be strong enough to carry on and improve in other ways. Bring the lust back into your relationship ...

If it has nothing to do with physical attention, is it lack of conversation? Does he seem uninterested in you? He may be stressed or have something on his mind ... ask him. Communication is the key.

I feel you need to elaborate further for us to understand your situation.

[boxingbeauty]

Is this about you personally, or just a general question?

[lannarebirth]

Being cared for and being loved could mean the same thing to some people and have totally different meanings to others. I've known people that no mattter how much they were loved and cared for; for reasons that existed in themselves alone, they could not feel it, or did not allow themselves to feel it. I don't know if it is because they were emotionally closed off, self absorbed or had exaggerated expectations, but whatever loving attention they received was never enough, or the wrong kind. I'm not saying that is you, but it's something that needs to be objectively looked at IMO.

[teacup]

At what point do you call a bad marriage a bad marriage?

Hmm tough question..…for me, it will probably be,

When the jerk tells me….something along these lines.....

“I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at the time I want…..and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, and boozing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a look and hard time about it!"

There! I hope I have answered your question, darling

Edited May 23, 2007 by teacup

[LaReina]

Is this about you personally, or just a general question?

General question..

My nose was invited into three different marriages and I tried to counsel based on the old "marriage is not easy" and "different people express themselves differently".

Afterwards I wondered maybe the marriages in question are just bad but how do you define bad.

[PlainJane]

I think, I'd start calling a bad marriage, a bad marriage when you are married to someone for years and the love has long disappeared. True, marriage is all about commitment, respect, trust and looking-after the kids in some cases, but these things will mean differently when love is existent in a marriage. A marriage without love becomes a cage and in some cases, it becomes an instrument of torture.

Most couples stick it out because of the kids, the grandchildren, to keep the family together. People work. They hang pictures of their family in their living room, go to church and picnics, exercise, visit the neighbors, play a sport because this is what society expects us to do or to be! This sad reality is a cage on its own.

[Jet Gorgon]

I would call a marriage (or partnership) bad if I feel more lonely when he is around me than when he is away.

This is a truly perspicacious answer. Excellent, Sutnyod, excellent. You would be (or maybe already are) a great poet, I think.

[gucci55]

I would call a marriage (or partnership) bad if I feel more lonely when he is around me than when he is away.

This is a truly perspicacious answer. Excellent, Sutnyod, excellent. You would be (or maybe already are) a great poet, I think.

Good answer!!I think a few of marriages are bad marriage except those which lead happy lifes!!

[delly]

I will tell you what a bad marriage really is. When you love your partner so much and willing to do anything just to keep him happy, but all you get is complaining. No matter how well you take care his family, you still get complain and criticizen.Even worst you have to do all the housework in his parent's house and take care two of his old grandma.

When you try to communicate with him, him will just sit and play his playstation without even care what you say. I just felt tired of giving and giving without any tiny receiving.

[sutnyod]

I will tell you what a bad marriage really is.

Welcome delly. This is your first post and so very sad . Did our discussion interest you so much that you decided to join? In that case I hope you find much support, strength and joy here in this forum.

[correct]

i realised my marriage had becaome a bad marriage when i caught my x-wife in bed with who i thought was a good friend.

[Jet Gorgon]

I will tell you what a bad marriage really is. When you love your partner so much and willing to do anything just to keep him happy, but all you get is complaining. No matter how well you take care his family, you still get complain and criticizen.Even worst you have to do all the housework in his parent's house and take care two of his old grandma.

When you try to communicate with him, him will just sit and play his playstation without even care what you say. I just felt tired of giving and giving without any tiny receiving.

Sorry to hear that, too, Delly. You OK?

[teacup]

Oh Delly daring, so sorry to hear that

If you need someone to talk to from time to time, you can pm me anytime. Either in thai or english, whichever you prefered

Take care and be strong

teacup

PS: just a question....where are you going from here then?

[LaReina]

That’s a big problem when you marry for love. If you are in an arranged marriage you can blame the match makers.. but when you love a person so much, that you lose yourself to them and trying to make them happy, then you wonder at what point will they see you for you. Or if they ever can.

Delly: Not that this is consolation, but you are not alone.

Communication IS the key.

I would love to hear a male say how they should be approached in terms of communication. For some men, any form of what they “perceive” to be criticism is a reason to tune a person out. When in reality it might be just reaching out for help.

To add to what Plainjane said. True marriage is also about treating your partner the way you would like to be treated.

[Thaddeus]

I would love to hear a male say how they should be approached in terms of communication.

Preferably naked and carrying beer.

Criticism, that is a tough call and one that both wifey and I would take far too personally in the past and that was leading to problems. Until I got her to agree to one thing, to pick the right moment, which is usually in the morning over a coffee. Not at night when we are both tired as that can have a very negative effect. Not when the other is already concentrating on something, it will not be heard. And not when either of us has been out for a beer with our respective friends, for the obvious reasons.

Another element is praise when something is good or going right. That can have a very beneficial effect.

//edit/spelling

Edited May 24, 2007 by Thaddeus

[girlx]

Preferably naked and carrying beer.

is your significant other a sex robot?

[Sheryl]

Well Delly's example certainly qualifies. I hope you find your way through this, Delly. Even if the way through is out the door. We're here anytime if you need support....

But some of the examples in the OP are much less clear. For example, the one about feeling cared for but not feeling loved. Now, if the person truly isn't loved, then yes, that is a bad marriage. But what if she (I'm assuming the complainer is a woman) is in fact loved, but doesn't feel it because her husband either doesn't know how to show it or shows it in ways she doesn't recognize? Or what if her expectations of what it is like to be loved and what being loved can do for one are simply unrealistic? All three of these are possible but only in the first case is it truly a hopeless situation, the other two cases could potentially be worked through.

There are people who stay in very bad marriages, for various reasons. There are also people who walk out on marriages that could have worked because they had unrealistic expectations and/or weren't prepared to put in the work required to make it worked.

It is not easy for a third party to know whether or not a marriage is "bad" or simply experiencing strains that can be resolved. That's why marriage counselling is a profession and people pay money for it! It takes some skill and training to sort through the dynamics of what is really going on.

Now my own example, from many many years past. Like some of the women cited in the OP, no dramatic problems, no abuse, nothing like that. We married young and I changed and matured and he stayed the same, and essentially I outgrew him. Felt guilty for it, but there it was. I knew it had hit the "bad marriage" stage when I found that when he was unusually late getting home (this is way back in the pre-mobile phone days), instead of fearing he had been in an accident I was secretly hoping. Sounds horrible to say, and I felt horrible realizing it, but I also realized that truth is truth and I no longer wanted to be married to this person, and that rather than waiting in the hope that fate would solve this I should take responsibility for that fact and act.

[GracelessFawn]

I will tell you what a bad marriage really is. When you love your partner so much and willing to do anything just to keep him happy, but all you get is complaining. No matter how well you take care his family, you still get complain and criticizen.Even worst you have to do all the housework in his parent's house and take care two of his old grandma.

When you try to communicate with him, him will just sit and play his playstation without even care what you say. I just felt tired of giving and giving without any tiny receiving.

I'm sorry to hear about your story ghurl. It sounds horrible. Horrible things do happen in real life and it is most unfortunate that you're in that horrible spot right now.

I see relationships as a circle. Some circles are big, some small. Some relationships last longer, some last too quickly. Once the circle is completed the relationship has come full circle, it's over - be it in death, after 20 years or after a few months.

I hope you find a way out of your situation or that your situation changes a litte in favor to you. Please do not expect too much though. Life is shit and it will always be. It does't mean that we will always be suffering for 'us' humans are very much capable of having fun.

Hang in there ghurl. We're all here for you.

[November Rain]

My example of a bad marriage is when your spouse goes to spend Christmas & New Year in another country (UK) & doesn't want you to come with him, so you end up going elsewhere (Thailand) to be with your family. Then, he comes back from his holiday and tells you that he has taken a job in yet another country (Philippines) without even consulting you. That was why he took his holiday - to attend the interview.

After a year of separation (physical, not marriage), you start to get calls on your cellphone while you are working, from sundry women in the country where he works, claiming that they are having an affair with him/pregnant with his baby. When you phone him, pretty hysterical & ask him to come home to sort out your marriage, he refuses to even take a weekend off for you, as his job is too "important".

And, yes, ladies, at this point I decided it was too much for even me (doormat!) to put up with & did show him the door (well, change the locks & inform him it was over). The funny thing is, we're still not divorced as he won't divorce me & I don't have the money to instigate proceedings. Weird, huh?

Seriously, I don't think you can quantify a bad marriage. What is tolerable or even normal in one relationship, is intolerable in another. My feeling is that you know deep down whether it's really bad or whether it's just a rough patch. I'd also say to write down the problems & imagine that you were reading it on TV (written by another member). Be as dispassionate as you can & decide that if it were happening to her, whether you'd say it was bad, or whether you'd be advising her it's a rough patch that maybe she & hubby need to work at.

[PlainJane]

Marriage is a relationship killer. (Most) women only start nagging after marriage. Then they start wearing grandma panties. Men starts thinking of banging other women, flirts with female co-workers and watch more football.

Hehehehheheee.

In my book, marriage is a disease!

[girlx]

i would agree with that... though there are exceptions. for me, moving in with someone means relationship death. someone (gertrude stein maybe?) said that you should never share in tedious activities with your partner (ie. brushing your teeth, paying bills, housework), in order to keep a little mystery in the relationship. people who move in together and get married tend to lose their individual identities. they get bored quickly with the routine, the sex, the lack of novelty. this is when people start cheating or drinking to cope or various other destructive behaviors. in my life, i have learned that my most successful relationships are those in which both sides are allowed to be ourselves, have our own space, but choose to come together regularly. my current boyfriend has his own place, his own friends, his own job. he sleeps over at my house quite often, but has not moved in. i do my thing, he does his. we spend most of the day apart, then we have stories to share with each other when we hook up at night. neither of us feel like we are suffocating each other or that we have slipped into a boring routine. we also have great communication (he is the most honest and straightforward thai i have ever met), which helps. we have our problems but i am quite happy with a relationship structured in this way.

[Thaddeus]

i would agree with that... though there are exceptions. for me, moving in with someone means relationship death.

That just goes to show that what works for one doesn't work for everybody.

My first marriage in the UK lasted for around a year, but I'll give you the background first.

I was on stage in a club in St. Helens and I spotted a face in the audience that looked familiar. I sought her out between sets and we had a chat. We had attended the same school, albeit a couple of years apart. Within a week we were dating, within a month I had moved in with her. The band I was playing in split up, so we formed our own. We were both in crappy jobs, so we both sought other employment and got some in the same place (same department, same room!) We were together 24/7 for more than 4 years, we worked together, ate together, slept together and played together and everything was fine and dandy.

We got married...... it felt like the natural thing to do at the time.

Within a few months of getting married the job turned sour, so we went looking again, both with success but in different places. The band we had formed decided to split, I found one that needed a keyboard player, she found one that needed a singer.

In a very short space of time we went from being a couple that were inseparable to one that managed to see each other for a few hours on a Sunday morning and we basically grew apart. We didn't become different people, we didn't change as people at all, we just stopped moving in the same circles. After nine months of hardly seeing each other we decided to call it a day, the break up was very amicable and we remained friends for a long time afterwards, I would still smile if I met her now.

But the essential spark of 'love' was snuffed out by forces beyond our control ...... life has a way of throwing things like that at you.

[Phano]

To all who say and really believe that communication in a marriage is important, I add that women and Men comunicate differently hence......Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

Definition of a bad marriage is very relative, however the grass always looks greener from the other side of the fence!!

[PlainJane]

Definition of a bad marriage is very relative, however the grass always looks greener from the other side of the fence!!

Maybe, you're right to a point, but there are others like me that are pretty loyal. I guess, it's different strokes for different folks.

[delly]

Finally there are someone listening !! Thank you all for your understanding . As you know I am in a foreign country away from my family, there are time you just can't get any emotional support.

Sometime I wonder whether is because we move back to Thailand (my husband home country) that cause the problem. Our marriage life in USA is perfect, but it all change now. Since living with his parents, sister and grandma, attention and love from him is completely down to 0. If nothing is getting better, I guess this bad marriage is leading to Divorce.

For me, Bad marriage happen when you marry his whole family instead of just him.

[sbk]

Well, that is something anyone married to a Thai person has had to learn to accept. I am married to a Thai man and have been for 18 years in August. And one of the things I have come to understand over the years is the importance family places in my husband's life. Not only his family but mine too. As far as he is concerned, they both count equally.

If you are really living with his family then may I suggest moving out and getting your own house. You would find it extremely difficult living with an American mother-in-law much less one from a culture that you don't appear to understand or accept.

Honestly, if you are not willing to compromise on the idea that his family is important then perhaps you should get a divorce. Because I know very few Thai people who don't feel that way.

Marriage is a two way street. Something to remember when dealing with issues that are important to him. Hold your own values dear, but don't belittle his because they aren't your own. Instead, perhaps you should try to understand. If you can't, well then, end it now and find someone you can understand.

[PlainJane]

Bad Marriage........ it all started the moment you get married.

I do not believe in marriage. To me, it is comparable to a coffin that seals loads of relationships.

I do believe in love, in communication and in relationships!