I had an (unplanned) child with my Thai partner four years ago. I tried to make it work but I'm miserable. Looking for advice.

[Chinaski1990]

My partner and I were together for three years when she became pregnant. In truth it was never quite a joyous relationship. The exoticism of Thailand coupled with riding around to visit new places on her bike made it feel exciting for those first few years.
 

But I then started to realize we didn't have much in common beyond a shared enjoyment of Thai food and travel. Her English wasn't great and a night would often consist of her watching Thai television while I read a book or browsed the internet. We weren't sitting there happily chatting away about books films philosophy and life like normal couples do. The age gap between us is 7 years (I'm actually the younger one at 32...she's 39)
 

A couple of months before I was going to break it off, she became pregnant. This was an unplanned pregnancy although I completely accept my own role in it happening. This obviously threw a spanner in the works for my plans and I felt like trying to make it work would be the best path even though I never really wanted children.
 

I turned out to be a bit better at parenting in the end given my fear and resistance to the idea of it. And I genuinely love my daughter. But I'm still bitterly unhappy in my relationship and with my life.

 

The same language barriers, lack of common hobbies and overall dissatisfaction has continued for four years and I feel at the end of my ability to cope. Part of me thinks it's be best for my kid if I wasn't around at all. I just feel so hopeless, angry at myself and lonely all the time.
 

I guess I've suffered from awful self esteem and depression for many years because I grew up around unhappy parents. It feels like I'm repeating that exact same process. Even though we don't argue, I repress the sadness and loneliness I feel and my mood is often low.
 

There doesn't seem to be any other good way out of this. If I end the relationship, my daughter likely ends up back in Thailand as there's a rental crisis in my country. The alternative is she stays with me and her mother won't want that either.
 

I guess because this is a Thailand forum it seemed apt to ask for advice. It was also important for me to be blunt and honest when asking for advice so if I come across as a <deleted>ty person well that's just how I feel. Thanks for reading anyway.

[transam]

That reads like a normal marriage to me, and I have had a few........ 

[Chinaski1990]

////Deleted post removed from quote///

 

Apologies. Never used this site before. 

[DrCosmix]

Get out now! Try and support financially but get out. You are doing  your daughter  no favours giving  her an example of unhappiness  and strained relations and repressed hate.

They dont need you.  You dont need them.

[Chinaski1990]

1 minute ago, DrCosmix said:

Get out now! Try and support financially but get out. You are doing  your daughter  no favours giving  her an example of unhappiness  and strained relations and repressed hate.

They dont need you.  You dont need them.

Where can I go though...or where can they go? Neither I nor my partner can afford to pay for two rental places at $2500 per month alongside childcare. Happy to support financially but it doesn't seem viable that we all end up in the same country. Either they leave or I'll have to. 

[zombie nights]

OP :which country are you and your wife and child living in now?

[Sheryl]

Just now, zombie nights said:

OP :which country are you and your wife and child living in now?

 

Yes. And:

 

How old is the child?

 

Have you discussed how you feel with your wife?

 

[Chinaski1990]

^ Our child is 4 years old. I have not discussed this with her because it seems like a lost cause in the sense that as soon as I open my mouth about unhappiness I'll either be accused of cheating or she'll overreact in some other way. 

[onthedarkside]

Trolling comments reported and removed. If you can't offer any advice or help to the OP then stay away from the topic 

[decline]

End the relationship

[delgarcon]

If you don't tell us where you're living and what nationality you are, it's difficult to advise you!

[Sandboxer]

Run Forest, run.

[Hummin]

If that is the only problems with your wife, it seems it only rely on you and you being unsatisfied.

 

You cant fix others, but you can motivate yourself to be a better person for your daughter with or without her mom. 

 

 

[asf6]

Only you can decide what is best for you, but here's a suggestion from me. 

 

Stick around. Be a father to your daughter. Speak English to her. Try to help your wife improve her English. Learn Thai to reduce the language barrier with your wife. Enjoy your hobbies. Enjoy the fact that your wife has hobbies. Try to find something in your lives that you both enjoy and spend more time doing that. Be proud of your achievements. Be proud of your daughter. Imagine the life you would want for her and try your best to make that outcome come true. 

Good luck. 

[pedro01]

This was a planned pregnancy. You just weren't part of the planning process.

[Chinaski1990]

2 minutes ago, pedro01 said:

This was a planned pregnancy. You just weren't part of the planning process.

Even if that's true (which could definitely be the case) it's only relevance to my current predicament is that it could give me an easier excuse to walk away from the relationship. 

[Chinaski1990]

15 minutes ago, Hummin said:

If that is the only problems with your wife, it seems it only rely on you and you being unsatisfied.

 

You cant fix others, but you can motivate yourself to be a better person for your daughter with or without her mom. 

 

 

I hear what you are saying but they are hardly minimal problems. Normal Western relationships (and most likely many Thai-falang relationships) feature in-depth conversations about anything and everything between partners; mine lacks that. Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

[orchis]

1 hour ago, Chinaski1990 said:

it could give me an easier excuse to walk away from the relationship. 

I can understand the feeling of wanting to walk away from a relationship and a child but the reasons you give
("Her English wasn't great and a night would often consist of her watching Thai television while I read a book or browsed the internet. We weren't sitting there happily chatting away about books films philosophy and life like normal couples do")
seem quite feeble and making it like you are looking for an excuse.

[asf6]

Just now, Chinaski1990 said:

(and most likely many Thai-falang relationships) feature in-depth conversations about anything and everything between partners; mine lacks that. Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

Umm. I'll go out on a limb here and say that it's unlikely that "most" Thai-farang relationships feature in-depth conversations about anything and everything. I could be wrong though.

 

For sure my wife and I discuss numerous in depth topics daily. For example, what's for lunch and dinner feature highly. Which restaurant or coffee shop to visit next is a popular topic. The weather crops up regularly, as does shopping. We discuss music sometimes (Thai and English); songs, keys, chords, etc. Politics gets a very occasional mention. When my wife is watching dramas or scrolling Facebook, I do things that I want to do that don't involve her. Win-win. ????

[homeseeker]

To properly advise can u tell us:

1. where are you  living?

2. Are you married by law?

3 what nationality is the child?

[VocalNeal]

1 minute ago, orchis said:

We weren't sitting there happily chatting away about books films philosophy and life like normal couples do")

Normal????

 

I thought I was normal.  "her watching Thai television while I read a book or browsed the internet." 

 

 

[Hummin]

24 minutes ago, Chinaski1990 said:

I hear what you are saying but they are hardly minimal problems. Normal Western relationships (and most likely many Thai-falang relationships) feature in-depth conversations about anything and everything between partners; mine lacks that. Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

How many relationships did you have?

 

Seems you have to high expectations of a relationship even back where you come from, it is not like movies. I had similar feelings in the beginning, and we overcome our differences by the time and we have both adopted to each other. 

 

Anyway a bad relationship is no good for anyone, and maybe best you leave for all parts, if you are not willing to put down the efforts to make yourself comfortable. From what I read you seem a bit young with little experience 

[Chinaski1990]

1 minute ago, Hummin said:

How many relationships did you have?

 

Seems you have to high expectations of a relationship even back where you come from, it is not like movies. I had similar feelings in the beginning, and we overcome our differences by the time and we have both adopted to each other. 

 

Anyway a bad relationship is no good for anyone, and maybe bedt you leave. 

Just two long-term relationships in my life. This one and then one with a girl from my own European country when I was 18-21. 

[Chinaski1990]

11 minutes ago, homeseeker said:

To properly advise can u tell us:

1. where are you  living?

2. Are you married by law?

3 what nationality is the child?

Living in the EU although would rather not get too specific on which country. We are not married. Our child has two passports...Thailand and my country. 

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, Chinaski1990 said:

We weren't sitting there happily chatting away about books films philosophy and life like normal couples do. The age gap between us is 7 years (I'm actually the younger one at 32...she's 39)

Do you really believe normal couples do that?

I'm just happy to be with a woman that will have sex whenever I want.

[Chinaski1990]

Just now, BritManToo said:

Do you really believe normal couples do that?

I'm just happy to be with a woman that will have sex whenever I want.

Honestly I do believe it. But even if I'm wrong, there is a lack of the normal banter etc that normal couples who either are from the same place or speak each others' languages fluently probably have. 

[Raindancer]

PM sent.

[BritManToo]

1 minute ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Honestly I do believe it. But even if I'm wrong, there is a lack of the normal banter etc that normal couples who either are from the same place or speak each others' languages fluently probably have. 

You could always learn Thai!

[DrCosmix]

OK Stay! You have answered  your own question. Its a financial  problem. Here in Thailand  people dont pay cant pay 2500 dollars  for childcare that's obscene.

She can work?

You stay at look after kid 

Or

Leave her

Or

You all come back to  Thailand 

Then you return  to west and send her 1000dollars a month.

Thats more than enough  to live on

[Chinaski1990]

5 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

You could always learn Thai!

I've learned a bit but not enough to have a full conversation in Thai. In the same way that her English is still pretty bad for someone who has lived in my country where English is widely spoken since 2020.