Do Thais Ever Really Say That They Are Sorry?

[123Stodg]

Although the title of this topic might appear like it is intended to stir the pot, I assure you that it's not, and the question here is one that is more philosophical than literal.

 

In the Thai language there are two primary phrases that are regularly used to express being sorry: kaw tod (ขอโทษ) and kaw upai (ขออภัย). There are of course many other slight variations of these two main phrases, some perhaps stronger in meaning or more polite in context, but they are fundamentally merely all variations of the same. At first glance, these phrases might seem like equivalents to “I’m sorry” in English, but I believe that they are both different. And their meanings and implications actually reveal something deeper about Thai cultural values.

 

Kaw tod literally means “I ask for the blame” or “I take the blame.” This expression focuses on accepting responsibility for a mistake, akin to saying, “I acknowledge that this was my fault.” Meanwhile, kaw upai translates to “I ask for forgiveness.” This phrase is less about taking blame and more about redemption and seeking to repair a relationship or restore harmony after an offense has occurred.

 

What’s particularly interesting is that neither phrase contains an explicit emotional element of regret or, in a Western sense, sorrow. They focus more on social dynamics, either accepting blame or repairing the connection, rather than addressing personal feelings of guilt. By comparison, English expressions of apology, such as “I’m sorry” or “I apologize,” emphasize the guilty party's emotional state, thus highlighting their regret or remorse.

 

This distinction raises an interesting question: does the concept of apology, as Westerners understand it, an emotional act of expressing regret, truly even exist in Thai culture? Or is the Thai approach less about personal feelings and more about restoring balance and maintaining face in relationships?

 

As one might gather, Thai culture is often heavily influenced by Buddhism, which is in itself a philosophical Asian approach that values humility and the acceptance of man's imperfections. Mistakes that are made are often viewed as natural and partially unavoidable, being part of the human condition. In this context, kaw tod can be seen as an acknowledgment of karma, a way of saying, “I accept the consequences of my actions.” Similarly, kaw upai is about seeking release from the disruption caused by those actions, not just for oneself but for the other party and the bilateral relationship as a whole.

 

This cultural difference can sometimes lead to misunderstandings for Westerners interacting with Thais. To a Westerner, a Thai apology might feel somewhat insincere, lacking the emotional depth typically associated with saying that one is “sorry.” But for a Thai person, the act of apologizing is less about expressing regret and more about fulfilling a social obligation to restore harmony between two people and to move forward beyond a conflict.

 

On the flip side, one could argue that the Western emphasis on emotional apologies can lead to excessive dwelling on guilt and regret. Thus, is it better to focus on personal remorse, or to prioritize smoothing over relationships and moving ahead? The Thai approach, rooted in humility and practicality, might offer a valuable lesson in simply letting go.

 

In the end, the Thai language’s nuanced approach to saying “sorry” offers a fascinating insight into Thai culture and social values. It reminds us that even universal experiences, like apologizing, are shaped by deeply ingrained philosophies about life, relationships, and human nature from both a Buddhist and Asian perspective.

[spidermike007]

I don't think it has anything to do with Buddhism. I think if anything Buddhism teaches the need to look within and take responsibility and admit that perhaps you are the source of the problem. What we're seeing is the opposite of Buddhism, what we're seeing is complete denial and a total inability to accept blame and be a true adult about a problem that you have caused. 

 

And it comes down to the staggering human weakness known as saving face. 

[CharlieH]

If you want to reach or balance the western version of sorry, with regret or emotional aspect you move to "Sia jai"  imho

[123Stodg]

13 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

If you want to reach or balance the western version of sorry, with regret or emotional aspect you move to "Sia jai"  imho

 

Thank you, but from my understanding, the phrase you suggested is more an expression of sadness over a situation, an outcome to an event often caused by a third party, rather than a direct admission of personal regret for one’s own harmful actions between two people.

[CharlieH]

14 minutes ago, 123Stodg said:

 

Thank you, but from my understanding, the phrase you suggested is more an expression of sadness over a situation, an outcome to an event often caused by a third party, rather than a direct admission of personal regret for one’s own harmful actions between two people.

 

(kaw tod jak jai): This means "I apologize from the heart," adding a layer of emotional sincerity to the standard kaw tod.

[123Stodg]

5 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

 

(kaw tod jak jai): This means "I apologize from the heart," adding a layer of emotional sincerity to the standard kaw tod.

Or one could even say (kaw tod jak jai jing jing) to strengthen the apology even more. But I've never heard this phrase used in a real life situation. Perhaps you have, but even so, I would say that it is a very uncommon phrase and not a normal expression of one's guilt or regret used in a situation where one person has wronged another. 
 

I guess my point is that we can think of creative ways to express an emotional apology from the heart using everyday words from the Thai language, but I don't think they would ever follow a typical expression of social norms when confronting a situation of personal wrong doing between two people.

 

Perhaps the most common phrase that you will hear on an everyday basis and used in many situations would be something simply like (kaw tod dooay krub). 

[novacova]

Kho aphai, kho thot is a moderate level of sincerity. “Kho thot kho phoi” is more of a profuse level of sincerity, is how I understand it.

[FriscoKid]

59 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

If you want to reach or balance the western version of sorry, with regret or emotional aspect you move to "Sia jai"  imho

IMHO I think "Sia Jai" is a phrase more often used to express emotion in a situation where someone tells you (for example) that their mother is badly ill, someone whom they know was the victim of an accident, a natural disaster caused some large damage to a village, etc. So I don't think it's an actual personal apology of accountability in a conventional sense.  

[mfd101]

51 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

what we're seeing is complete denial and a total inability to accept blame and be a true adult about a problem that you have caused. 

 

And it comes down to the staggering human weakness known as saving face. 

Yes, a fundamental part of Thai culture is built on matters of hierarchy & status, and the appearances that accompany them. So it is what 'appears' that matters, not what 'really' happened.

 

At the trivial level this is one thing that irritates me in my b/f's behaviour (Thai Khmer). When something goes wrong, small or large, with which I had no connection at all, in the space of half a second it will turn out to be my fault. Only if I fairly harshly rub his nose in it will he then giggle and admit the fault was his ...

[Njoku]

I dont know what the real answer is but ive had a Thai say sorry to me, the TGF too so I would assume more of the better educated ones are aware of "sorry" and what it means and if there saying it then its within there grasp.

 

Right now I been screwing around for 3 months with a big Thai store, the issue just went around in circles in store for most of two months, after meeting the third manager she eventually escalated it up the chain, ive had to call her 3 times she only ever phoned back once, so Thai customer service only works well when you have very minor issues, today I had enough, no return call so I fronted up, reminded the front desk who all know me by now thats its been going on for 3 months, no sorry nothing, you get no satisfaction from them, but sometimes other establishments in the past have acknowledge but who f*****g cares when they do the same next time and they do sweet f all about it, anyway was told my claim has been rejected but thats another story, my point is, they might go to school and even university but the system here doesn't want them to be able to think out side of the box, make a decision, they just turn out plastic men and women who's only ambition might be to own a 16 pro max.

 

Ps there isn't much hope for them when a plumbing issue is ruled upon by the electrical department hey?

 

 

[MalcolmB]

Thais are a lot more forgiving.

A kor tort and a wai is more than enough.