Thinking About Divorce

[shadowy]

Hello all , I need some sensible advice please . I am a farang woman married to a thai man. We have been married for about 7 years and have 3 kids together. Right now i am unhappy with livivng in thailand and am totaly moserable all of the time, my husband wont pay so that i can stay home, i have to work a full time job and pay a nanny to bring up my babies. He wont move back home (he lived there 7 years before we came here) and i hate it here. i am not sure what i can do legaly as i would take kids home with no job or anything back in my own country. We were married my country .

Does any one know what i am intitilled to leagaly and some advise on what i should do , stay or go . I cant even stand to lok at him, and he anoys me so much but i have stayed this long for the kids.

Any help or advise please.

[sutnyod]

Hi,

you said you used to live together in your country. It is an old story that men change A LOT once they are on their own turf. Did you have an agreement before moving here? What did he promise you? You sound so disappointed, can't you find anything positive in Thailand? What about your kids? How do they like it?

I wish you the best of luck. Have been there, too.

[lazeeboy]

Hi,

you said you used to live together in your country. It is an old story that men change A LOT once they are on their own turf. Did you have an agreement before moving here? What did he promise you? You sound so disappointed, can't you find anything positive in Thailand? What about your kids? How do they like it?

I wish you the best of luck. Have been there, too.

cant you sit down with him and tell him your situation and try and find out between whats gone wrong ,its a shame as only the children get hurt in these situations , if all else fails go to a lawyer and see where you stand ,divorce is always so sad ........

[legag]

Yes, agree, sit down with him and work it out for your children's goodsake. How old are they? If it's not getting any better or he doesn't give a s**t, it's time to ask for divorce and if he's still playing an a**, you get a lawyer, speak to your embassy consultant here for more info/advice. Where are you from? You know where your embassy is?

Edited September 17, 2007 by legag

[Abrak]

Well I for one would not really tell you to stick it out for the children (I have been divorced and the last thing your children need is miserable parents). You do face a fundamental problem though - if you go back to your country and get a divorce settlement there is no way it can be enforced while your husband resides in Thailand. If you get a divorce settlement in Thailand (and this might be problematic given your marriage abroad) settlement would almost certainly depend on you remaining here with your ex-husband.

In other words, the idea that you can get a decent settlement (say half your husband's assets) and then disappear back to your home country with your kids, is I'm afraid, totally out of the question without your husbands full co-operation.

Of course if you are miserable then it is quite possible you are making your husband miserable in which case he may well be prepared to come up with a fair and decent settlement to see you settled in your home country....

[shadowy]

hi again , well i talked to him about this and he is acting like a kid. the kids are 8 months old, 2 years and 6 years. He is willing to give me 10,000 dollars about 200,000baht and pay for th flight as long as i leave my daughter with him here . But i cant do that so the next idea was to get another house here and share the kids, which would suit me ok , bu his parent wnt agree to that ,i just wish it could be between us 2 and not them . my embassy is so hopeless , just 1 guy who will just tell me to se a lawyer. i dont want thi sto get nasty but 10,000 wont go far, he owns alot of things but they are in mummys name but i suppose he has about 2,000,000 in his own name. and i have worked everyday of our 7 year marrige and payed for most of the bills and all of the kids cost while he set up a business. Also after 3 kids im not so thin anymore, thats a problem for him too.

I wish it would change and we could all be together and happy but that is not ever going to happen. He is very selfish and what he has is his and what i ahve is mine and the kids.

On top of this i have been very grumpy and short tempered with the kids in the few days that have just gone past.

noone can tell me what to do but myself, i know this but being away from family and friends from back home i dont have any one to talk to about this,

Thanks for listening/reading

[legag]

Looks like you hubby ain't got s**t on his own, and even he really does (have the money to support) I don't think you would get it out from him easily or even not a dime. Seperated - alright. You can't focus on how the mother and father-in-law think now. This is your business. In worse case, you need to get the divorce done and take the kids away, far away on your own and expenses. Are you ready to do that?

I know this time is rough but chin up!! be positive and gather your energy for any situation comes forward! Don't let it gets to you and the kids. They know nothing and are in same boat as you are.

Edited September 17, 2007 by legag

[sbk]

Seems to me you need to talk to your husband again. Tell him that he has three choices, work things out in the relationship, separate houses or a lawyer. Thailand has community property laws I believe so you are entitled to half of all his assets. I suggest you ask him to not involve his parents since they are not in the marriage. Tough, I know from experience, but sometimes you have to assert your rights over those of his family. There must have been love in the first place, why not bring that up? Talk about your relationship and what brought you together in the first place. Sometimes that makes negotiations more amicable.

Good luck

[bina]

remember: her visa is tied to her husband's being thai unless she has a work visa; also, she doesnt have anything back home (although she was there for the past seven years so maybe she does); going back to original country with young kids and no family/job is not so easy (its always, unfortunately, easier for males in this situation)

also, are u unhappy with your husband, or with thailand, or with the setup now (living near or with inlaws) or is one causing the other... i know its very hard to be on someone elses' turf, it tends to heighten any normal family problems/pressures that are already existing...

maybe a short vacation with kids, away from him, to help both of u to re evaluate things....

if your job allows u to stay in thailand, then maybe u should try (if u havent already) to form close friendships with people that can act as your 'family away from home' ... i have two girlfriends' and their families and they were my life savers since my family is far away from me... they can give u support and help u gain perspective on the situation also...

and then u can plan better what u want to do...

if abuse (verbal or otherwise) is not involved, then buying time to get organized and based is the best way to go about things even if u are not very happy with it all. best to go slowly, get some lawyer legal advise, check out back in your country what can help u , and whom; separate bank accounts and things like that , come to your husband when u are cool and collected and with a good lawyers advice in your hands and present him with a few options, leaving him with a face saving route also if possible; if life threatening, then obviously u need plan B: get away fast and at all costs.

also, check out what concrete problems are involved and that u can control or change then maybe u may feel better and hence your husband may respond better... if this is your first year or so back in his home then he may be making up for lost time away from home, and things may smooth out as u get in to your routine or u may also have to be a bit more flexible, as he was when he was with u on your turf.

feeling isolated is the worst part of things, raising three kids, etc is never simple and can make u feel tired and rundown which makes it difficult to make logical decisions...

bina

israel

[nikisue]

Like everyone else I feel for you in your situation. I have almost been in the same situation, but thankfully things are working out now with my husband (well for now anyway). I met and married my husband in Thailand and had our daughter there. Things went very bad soon after the birth of my daughter. So I decided to move back to my home country.

On moving back home I had nothing to come back too. The first few months of course are the hardest to adjust but it is possible. I don't know where you are from but there are many parent and child groups which give lots of help and support. So do not worry about being alone. I also am enrolled on an MA at uni. who have been a big support.

I was at home for 6 months in contact with my husband on the phone. And he realised how much he missed me and his daughter. Also, I think he realized he had been taking me for granted. He wanted to come and join us, but I told him he had to pay for his own visa and ticket so I knew that he was serious. Since joining us he has worked hard allowing me to stay home with our daughter. Although we still have our problems he appreciates us more and realizes that I can and will move on if needed.

I think you should think about what you really want for yourself and your children, I do not believe staying in a situation for the sake of the kids, as if you are unhappy your children will feel this. But it seems like you are confusing about being unhappy with living in Thailand; problems with you husband,;and work situation. You should look at these problems individually and try to change them if possible or at least find a compromise before making a big decision as to leave.

Maybe a break for a short period will allow for you and your husband to reflect on the situation. Good luck in what you decide.

[RueFang]

It sounds as if you are past being able to stay together since you can't stand the sight of him. Don't stay together just for the kids because they pick up on everything and they'll end up resenting both of you. Since you're both in agreement about a separate house and sharing the kids, this sounds ideal. I know the situation with Thai parents-in-law but this goes beyond needing their permission...you can't please everyone and sure they'll be upset about it, but for your own sanity and the wellbeing of your children, I think moving out is the only option. Perhaps ask your inlaws if they would prefer you and your kids left the country or if they would rather you just move to a separate house nearby. My folks divorced when I was 3 and sure I had some issues growing up with an absent father, but I'm more grateful for the fact I didn't have to live with waring parents. Good luck with finding some happiness and a resolution to such a difficult situation.

[shadowy]

Hello all, thank youfor your help and advise. Today iwoke up and he acted like nothing had changed, just maybe he was a little nicer, he bought some dinner and came in early from work , but now i feel its far far to late to try to pretend that he can be nice. So now i am in the posistion that he is acting like nothing has happened and i am still feeling the same sitting here alone again .

What i will prepare to do now is get out of here go home to my country , take the passport s to a secure place where he cant get to them and see a lawyer. it still hurts so bad and i feel so badly for my kids, but i cant do it any longer.\

Does anyone know about the laws concerning custody here in thailand? who has more entitilment.

Thanks

ohh about the visa, i can get a visa from having thai kids, i think its time to go home and think about things and see how i feel then.

[RueFang]

Are you planning on taking the kids? You need the father's signature on the passport applications (if you don't already have them) and if you aren't taking your kids, it may affect your chances of custody later, depending how long you're away. Also if you take the kids without his permission he can possibly say you kidnapped them also leading to further problems. It must be so difficult to think of all the possible outcomes and what to do..I really feel for you.

[sutnyod]

Hello all, thank youfor your help and advise. Today iwoke up and he acted like nothing had changed, just maybe he was a little nicer, he bought some dinner and came in early from work , but now i feel its far far to late to try to pretend that he can be nice.

Maybe it's not pretense. As a woman you have played and re-played the scenario of leaving him over and over and have mentally already said good-bye to him. A man is not like this. When you tell him you want out, he just takes this as a signal that he should improve. He probably will not know how far removed you are from him by now. Hence his reaction. He thinks he can mend it. I would agree with the posters here that say don't stick it out for the kid's sake. My parents were like that and I hoped every day they would get divorced. They never did although they clearly hate each other. However, please work on being friends with your husband. Meaning take his being nice as an honest (albeit futile) attempt to mend your partnership.

What about suggesting to go on a holiday to your country and once there you can decide you will stay and the kids, too. I presume your kids have your citizenship?

[shadowy]

Hello , well , i decided to back to my coutry for a short holiday and see how i feel after that .

Thanks for all your help and i will keep you posted.

My country doesnt need dad sig on the passpot applications.