Marrying A Thai Man

[devona]

I've just got engaged to my lovely Thai boyfriend and we're planning to get married next year in Thailand. I've never been to a Thai wedding so have no idea what to expect. Any advice or help would be great?? Plus his mother seems to have very set ideas about what will happen, including making me "beautiful" which I assumes means whitening me up even more with loads of make up! How can I get some control over what happens without upsetting her?

Thanks

[sbk]

Oh, you've got that right with the makeup. Good luck getting out of that one!

I didn't have a wedding here (too many people to invite) but I hope that your family plans on coming out for it? Otherwise, at least for Thais, its kind of meaningless. Alot of the ritual centers around both families.

Do a search through the general forum to give you some general ideas on what to expect, that should help. But, as far as the MIL issue, well, sorry no advice except to grin and bear it. It's not your big day, its the families big day.

[RueFang]

Congratulations Devona! Welcome to a life of having a Thai mother in law (and a Thai husband )!!! Thai weddings are beautiful..and huge! Lot's of people and lots of fun. I was married to my Thai husband in his village 2 years ago. It was relatively small with about 100 people. I had a Thai style wedding dress made up that I approved the design of (and my MIL changed the colour of it without me knowing until the first fitting!). You won't need to organise anything (except your friends and fam if they are coming) and your dress and suit for hubby. The collective family will be more than happy to organise everything else. On the day you wake up at about 5am to get hair and make up done. Your husband to be will have to leave the house one or two hours before the ceremony so you'll be without him for a bit! This is so he can have a parade with lots of people carrying gifts to the place of the marriage ceremony where you will be waiting. You'll probably have 5 or more monks that will chant and bless you and throw flowers over you. There will be a commentator (probably with a microphone) who directs you what to do, so if you don't understand Thai, just follow what your husband does. Depending on which area of Thailand you're in, they may have localised customs that they do as part of the ceremony. If your parents come they will receive a wad of money from your husband and his family as a dowry. After the ceremony while everyone sits down to enjoy the feast, you and hubby and a couple of helpers will go around to each table to say thanks for coming and receive their donation and they receive a small token gift (like a keyring or small jewelry box with your names on it) in return. Also you'll have to stand for about a billion photos with everyone!

I didn't have a wedding here (too many people to invite) but I hope that your family plans on coming out for it? Otherwise, at least for Thais, its kind of meaningless. Alot of the ritual centers around both families.

But, as far as the MIL issue, well, sorry no advice except to grin and bear it. It's not your big day, its the families big day.

Not really sure why you say it's meaningless - I didn't have any of my family at my wedding and it was far far from meaningless. My husband's uncle and aunt stood in for my parents and everything else was just beautiful.

As to the MIL, SBK knows what she's talking about They are painful to put up with, but it's all part of the package for marrying the one you love! Stand your ground on the make up thing though - they tried to powder me and put revolting amounts of blue eye shadow and rouge and bright pink lipstick on me but I had my way and toned it down so I didn't look like a ridiculous cupie doll!

People are always getting married so try and go to one before your own to see how it all works. Good luck and PM me if you want with any questions.

[sbk]

Generally, it is a meeting of the parents of the bride and groom, without your parents you will have to have a stand in but it isn't the same really. Its far better to have some family there, at least from my experience of the gazillion weddings I've been to between Thais. When my nephew got married his mother's family came over from Samui for it, recently my husband and his dad headed up to Chumpon for a wedding of dad's great-nephew. The more family on your side, the better from what I've seen.

100 is small RueFang, we were looking at 1000+ and I put my foot down.

Glad to hear you won the makeup battle. Must not have been easy.

[bina]

i didnt bother to fight the makeup battle; they picked out my 'suit' from three thai silk suits *chuut* that i had brought with me after we had agreed on one so had someone to go out to find roses to match what i thought was the suit and colour i had chosen. wrong.!!! they had switched suits at last moment so the very hard to find pink roses that were in my overly laquered hair didnt match. !!

ours was rather informal as it was fast and we were penniless so went with just the morning celebration; also, my second marriage so we just had the water pouring ceremony and the string/money thing all rolled into one with food and some alcohol after. by 9:00 a.m. it was over... it started at 4:00 a.m for the hair/makeup thing (i had wanted to do my own but what the hel_l, i'v already had one wedding (in which i also had to do mostly the way the kibbutz wanted it ) ) . my eldest daughter came with, we were all crowded into a very small cement one room house of the sister, a bunch of very old guys did the white powder on forehead thing, everyone was wearing their usual ripped/old clothing except for a few city slickers among the family... my daughter had to change to sandals as the shoes she had brought made her too tall for them... inside its shoes off for all anyway... the village lends tables/chairs, the local wat lends the other ceremonial stuff for various donations; my hubby and i went to the wat the day before to speak with the abbot (his first cousin) and get blessed...

we had a blast as did my daughter.

one pig was slaughtered which we paid for; the rest the family sponsored and the wedding money (sinsot) we spread out among all the 'helpers' and kept some back for ourselves for the rest of the paperwork etc.

forgot: i did insist on exchanging wedding rings jewish style (woman gets ring put on index finger), and i gave anon his ring: after, i move the ring to the european style ring finger... we had to explain to them all about giving rings etc since issan thai dont seem to do the ring thing. they give gold necklaces (1 baht 2 baht etc) .. he gave me a heavy gold necklace the year before as the 'engagement' so i wore that which signaled to them that we were married... later he bought me a smaller more wearable gold necklace as the 'thai wedding ring' i wear always...

the next day it was off to krungthep to do the really problematic paperwork ....

dont be a control freak; u can always organize a wedding party for yourselves in your home country your way at a later date if u need to feel that u want a special style of wedding.... everyone here who saw our album (daughter photoed the whole kit and caboodle and video also) thought it was the most exotic and fun thing and i seemed relaxed and happy cause i didnt have to worry about anyone having a good time, where uncle so and so would be if aunt rose came also, etc....

bina and anon

[Boo]

we are doing our "wedding" next year. We have actually been married since 2003 but as none of my family were present then & we only legally registered it thought it would be fun to do on our 5th annersary. My family will come over from the UK & like Ruefarang & bina have said, will be up early, loads of make up, silly clothes & lots of local customs. Best to ask your bf what is the norm in his town, my husband had no idea as he hasn't been to many weddings ( more of a women thing in issan, blokes jusy get pissed up & sit around eating, like UK weddings really) so his mum filled me in.

As we are actually married & have a child together we wont have monks at the home, this is also because in his town monks only come to perform at funerals & it isn't custom to have them come to the house for weddings rather, we will visit the temple with our families to offer alms to the monks & have a bit of a pray then back to the MIL's where aunts & uncles, friends & other rellies will tie string around our wrists, pour water on our hands & give us money

We have also organised a local open air resteraunt to provide a wedding party for the evening including karaoke & hubbies mates will put a band together & the restaraunt will provide standard thai fare at a whole 2k baht per 10 people table (shockingly peng...not but the MIL & older rellies wil stay at mil's house as they don't do shop bought wedding food & would prefer to stay at the home catching up on gossip. As most will be ancient & sleeping there anyway it works out better for them & us younguns who will party into the wee hours.

We have already arranged a big vip tour coach to ferry people to & from BKK to KK & then to the temple, MIL's house, party venue & back to the resort we have found as my main worry for my fmaily was 1) where they sleep 2) how to get every one where we need to go without a lot of hassle.

As for the clothes I have left the MIL in charge so expect to look ridiculous & hubby is already having clod sweats at the thought of wearing traditional issan suit but we will just go with it & then change for the evening into normal clothes.

Hel_l when we got married legall we were wearing jeans & T-shirt & our wedding feast was tesco lotus food court so we really should enjoy this one & get some good pics & memories.

[Goinghomesoon]

How exciting, congratulations. Can you post updates as the preparations are made? Would love to a fly on the wall....

BF & I narrowly escaped a bai sri suu kwan engagement ceremony a few days ago. We both had that "deer in the headlights" look when mother told us what she had planned. That her 35 year old bachelor son had snagged himself a woman was too exciting for her! BF told her we should wait until my family visit Thailand. He neglected to mention that a trip is at least 12 months away. Lovely, lovely man.

[alaina]

Sounds like fun, really. I'm the type that does not really care about weddings much, so I'd just let them do what they want and enjoy the attention. (Maybe I'm not the best person to comment, really ) Thai weddings are quite a spectacle and the family will enjoy poking and prodding you until you look like another person.

If your family and friends at home have a hard time coming here, you could decide to have a second Western wedding at home there. If that's what you've been dreaming of, why not have a second one at home.

[Andiamo]

Just wanted to say "Thanks for sharing girls". Although we live here, I've never been to a "traditional" Thai wedding as you all describe it so it's fascinating to read the ins and outs!

Best of Luck to those who are getting ready to tie the knot here.

[meme]

Congrats Andiamo!!

My husband and I were married in the South in his village in July. I had my dress made and did my own make-up I let them take me to have my hair done which turned out really nice actually. My husband went to stay at his family home 24 hours before the ceremony and I stayed at his cousins house to represent the house that he comes to take me from. My best friend stayed with me and we were up at 5am to get ready. There was a procession from his house to mine with drumming and music and about 100 people. 20 people came from Canada for our wedding including my mom. It was a very intense experience in the beginning of the ceremony b/c neither of us really knew what to do so there was about 20 old Thai women yelling at us about where to stand or what to do. There was about an hour or 2 of chanting by the village shaman and the monks (very painful to be on the floor in the same position for that long) and then a water blessing where people pour water on our hands and give us their blessing and say nice things to us. The ceremony went from 8-11am and then back to his house for greeting guests who come and go from noon until 12am. Everyone sat at tables under tents on the road outside of my husband's house. A cow was killed to make the curry for everyone, karaoke and a band at night for the party part. We had 400 (Thai guests) which was small as we could have had 1000. Oh and we hand delivered 250 wedding invitations to each guest's house!!

Really during the whole thing I did a lot of sitting and smiling while my husband worked his arse off!

PM me if you would like to see pictures or if you have any more questions. We just got married/had a reception again! in Canada 2 nights ago so I am now a pro at this wedding business!!

Edited October 22, 2007 by meme

[Andiamo]

Congrats Andiamo!!

My husband and I were married in the South in his village in July. I had my dress made and did my own make-up I let them take me to have my hair done which turned out really nice actully. My husband went to stay at his family home 24 hours before the ceremony and I stayed at his cousins house to represent the house that he comes to take me from. My best friend stayed with me and we were up at 5am to get ready. There was a procession from his house to mine with drumming and music and about 100 people. 20 people came from Canada for our wedding including my mom. It was a very intense experience in the beggining of the ceremony b/c neither of us really knew what to do so there was about 20 old Thai women yelling at us about where to stand or what to do. There was about an hour or 2 of chanting by the village shaman and the monks (very painful to be on the floor in the same position for that long) and then a water blessing where people pour water on our hands and say something to us. The ceremony went from 8-11am and then back to his house for greeting guests who come and go from noon until 12am. Everyone sat at tables under tents on the road outside of my husband's house. A cow was killed to make the curry for everyone, karaoke and a band at night for the party part. We had 400 (Thai guests) which was small as we could have had 1000. Oh and we hand delivered 250 wedding invatations to each guests house!!

Really during the whole thing I did a lot of sitting and smiling while my husband worked his arse off!

PM me if you would like to see pictures or if you have anymore questions. We just got married/had a reception again! in Canada 2 nights ago so I am now a pro at this wedding business!!

Hi Meme

Thanks for the Congrats but..... I'm not the one getting married - it's Devona!!

Sounds like you had great fun at yours!

Ciao Andiamo!

[meme]

Congrats Andiamo!!

My husband and I were married in the South in his village in July. I had my dress made and did my own make-up I let them take me to have my hair done which turned out really nice actully. My husband went to stay at his family home 24 hours before the ceremony and I stayed at his cousins house to represent the house that he comes to take me from. My best friend stayed with me and we were up at 5am to get ready. There was a procession from his house to mine with drumming and music and about 100 people. 20 people came from Canada for our wedding including my mom. It was a very intense experience in the beggining of the ceremony b/c neither of us really knew what to do so there was about 20 old Thai women yelling at us about where to stand or what to do. There was about an hour or 2 of chanting by the village shaman and the monks (very painful to be on the floor in the same position for that long) and then a water blessing where people pour water on our hands and say something to us. The ceremony went from 8-11am and then back to his house for greeting guests who come and go from noon until 12am. Everyone sat at tables under tents on the road outside of my husband's house. A cow was killed to make the curry for everyone, karaoke and a band at night for the party part. We had 400 (Thai guests) which was small as we could have had 1000. Oh and we hand delivered 250 wedding invatations to each guests house!!

Really during the whole thing I did a lot of sitting and smiling while my husband worked his arse off!

PM me if you would like to see pictures or if you have anymore questions. We just got married/had a reception again! in Canada 2 nights ago so I am now a pro at this wedding business!!

Hi Meme

Thanks for the Congrats but..... I'm not the one getting married - it's Devona!!

Sounds like you had great fun at yours!

Ciao Andiamo!

Haha yes you're right! sorry Devona, I am still in a weddingcraze haze..shouldn't type first thing in the morning!

Edited October 22, 2007 by meme

[bina]

we did a wedding party here in israel on the kibbutz in july together with my duaghter's pre bat mitzva party and my eldest's pre army party so that my parents were in attendance ; anon and i did the food thai look but foreign taste buds, with pineapples and stuff done thai 'pretty' style. my eldest did a powerpoint with music slide show of our trip to thailand, wedding etc together with various examples of thai music in background; i also did up a photo album complete with cut out paper hearts and thai love song translated! with info about the whole ceremony written up ... we dressed up thai and everyone had a good time ... we did it like a travelogue anthropology type evening with the added aside that this is my husband's family even though it did seem like something from nat'l geographic, complete with toothless grannies chewing betel etc in all the photos. even anon had a good time (this time it was his turn to smile a lot w/o really understanding much of what was going on...som nam na)

bina

[devona]

Wow - thanks for all the advice and stories I really enjoyed reading them. I don't think my family will make it over here so we're thinking of doing 2 weddings now. I think I'll let my new MIL go crazy on the Thai one, which will keep her very happy, and then do it my way for the English one.

[sbk]

Probably for the best devona, make sure you have some people involved as your stand ins that you like and trust