To Tell Or Not To Tell

[ozzy111]

A bloke that lives in the same village as me wife's is doing the dirty. Although I've only known him a short time he is a good guy he dos'nt live in Thailand full time but he is planning on moving over next year. Now normally this sort of thing would'nt bother me it just comes with the territory, but this poor bloke is about to pour 3mil into a house that he has just started constuction on while he's wife has a thai husband. Can I let myself just watch this guy throw his hard earned money away or should I pull him aside over a few quiet beers and let him know.To tell or not to tell that is my problem any advice.

[gymshark]

Tell him, don't give the bitch the satisfaction.

[Riley'sLife]

It's hard to believe that you even consider not teling him.

[Thaddeus]

He needs to find out without your involvement, you live there, think of the repercussions.

[bratpack]

I stronglt suggest you tell him so he doesnt waste the money.Also he needs to be aware that a thai guy is involved and that could be the death penalty.Killing a pig or chicken is same same as a farang for some thai men.

[gymshark]

I stronglt suggest you tell him so he doesnt waste the money.Also he needs to be aware that a thai guy is involved and that could be the death penalty.Killing a pig or chicken is same same as a farang for some thai men.

A bit over dramatic eh?

[Pushit]

A bloke that lives in the same village as me wife's is doing the dirty. Although I've only known him a short time he is a good guy he dos'nt live in Thailand full time but he is planning on moving over next year. Now normally this sort of thing would'nt bother me it just comes with the territory, but this poor bloke is about to pour 3mil into a house that he has just started constuction on while he's wife has a thai husband. Can I let myself just watch this guy throw his hard earned money away or should I pull him aside over a few quiet beers and let him know.To tell or not to tell that is my problem any advice.

NOW!!

[taxexile]

assuming that this is more than just a short term fling on her part then i think he should be told , how you go about doing it without getting yourself into trouble with other locals is the hard part.

you could be saving him a lot of trouble down the line.

you need to be very very sure of your facts before you consider doing anything......and be sure that this guy will thank you for the information and not punch you in the face.

[garro]

Would you tell his wife if he was playing around?

Maybe she is a bit lonely and having a fling. Are you sure it's her husband? Unless he was a close friend, I would think long and hard about telling him- and even if he was a friend I wouldn't go rushing in. Sometimes it is better not to know about this things. If the guy is happy in his relationship so what if his wife is having a bit on the side. If all the people who ever cheated were caught tomorrow there would be very few relationships left - and I don't just mean in Thailand. If he is about to pour money into a house he is obviously convinced by her. He might not take too kindly to being told she is a cheat.

If you think it is better to tell I would do it anonymously.

Edited June 8, 2008 by garro

[nonthaburial]

Very dangerous ground, you could toally isolate yourself or even worse. If the guy is so stupid to pour money in then he is gullible and no amount of "wink wink know what I mean" will change his mind.

It really annoys me that there are so many stupid, niaive, ignorant brain dead men around who fall for the first smile etc etc

[MISTERBONK]

He needs to find out without your involvement, you live there, think of the repercussions.

Agree entirely. If you tell him and he packs up and leaves it will be your fault, YOU caused the problem by telling him. That's THAI logic!

But I agree that he needs to know. I have a friend in my village in a similar position. But how can he be told anonymously, without anyone suspecting who did the telling?

Any suggestions?

[taxexile]

Sometimes it is better not to know about this things

true , but sometimes it is better to know , so that the worse case scenario can be avoided.

that is when the house is built , the car is bought , the life insurance is up and running and the bank account is healthy and then boyfriend or husband comes knocking on the door with a mate or two and a gun.

...... it does happen.

[soundman]

The guy needs to find out - period. How many sob stories do we read about with the guy losing the lot to some un-scrupulous scam & then doing the five second flying lesson?

Condsider it your one good deed, however, if you can let the guy know without him knowing it is you that would be far better.

Adultery - un-pleasant but manageable.

Outright scam to get the guy for every penny - unforgivable.

This looks like the latter.

Soundman.

[JohnC]

try and find out if he has an e mail then get a unconnected third part y drop him a line as a "concerned" countryman.

[garro]

Sometimes it is better not to know about this things

true , but sometimes it is better to know , so that the worse case scenario can be avoided.

that is when the house is built , the car is bought , the life insurance is up and running and the bank account is healthy and then boyfriend or husband comes knocking on the door with a mate or two and a gun.

...... it does happen.

The thing is though that the word 'husband' means a whole different thing here in Thailand and that is especially true in a Thai village. I taught in a village school for a few years and a lot of these girls and boys begins serious relationships from the time they are thirteen. By the time they leave school most have official or unofficial husbands. A lot of these relationships don't work out.

Any westerner who moves to his girlfriends village would be foolish to think that there is not an old flame somewhere. There is always the chance that this can rekindle - especially if she is feeling lonely or neglected. But these thing don't last for the same reason they didn't in the beginning. She doesn't believe she will get caught and probably sees it as harmless fun.

These situations are hard to judge and sometimes ignorance is bliss. The guy and this Thai woman might have many happy years in front of them despite her little fling. Wouldn't it be a shame to destroy it. Of course, she might just be chuck him after she gets the big house.

Edited June 8, 2008 by garro

[Slip]

Horrible situation- you're damned if you do anf damned if you don't.

Hands up on the board who ever even had to tell a close friend about these situations. You are not always greeted in the spirit that you have told even with good friends.

On the other hand can you stand by and watch someone flush their financial and emotional well-being down the toilet?

Self-preservation though should be your number one worry, and you do sound very close to your own doorstep. I advise against doing anything that is going to rebound on you from any source.

I hope it works out OK for you.

[Gary A]

I'd try to find a way to tell him anonymously. You don't want to get in the middle of the problem. You could very well end up being the bad guy.

[torrenova]

Find a way to tell him but protect yourself. No good if he runs away with most of his cash intact but you end up pushing up daisies is it ?

[bergen]

I wonder why these sensitive topics often come from a relatively new poster

[Farma]

Hmm I remember reading a post not so long ago. Very familiar wording if not identical.

[bina]

cause they ahvent read the million other threads that are about the same thing...

been hashed over and over pros and cons... from my woman's point of view, if he isnt your brother, dont get involved. if he is so dumb to not see it, then, nothing u will say or do will change his mind; and if he knows or suspects, then he will make his own decision anyway... never get in the middle. maybe u could divert him to this board and to some 'interesting posts/threads' that may make him think a bit... otherwise why bother, if he's dumb enough to live far away and spend tons of money without checking up the situation really well, then its his stupidity... or maybe he doesnt care like some women 'know' their men are filling in time until they get back home, and the women over look this... it does happen and more often then u think, and both sides keep silent about it....

dont get involved. ever.

bina

[Andiamo]

The guy needs to find out - period. How many sob stories do we read about with the guy losing the lot to some un-scrupulous scam & then doing the five second flying lesson?

Condsider it your one good deed, however, if you can let the guy know without him knowing it is you that would be far better.

Adultery - un-pleasant but manageable.

Outright scam to get the guy for every penny - unforgivable.

This looks like the latter.

Soundman.

Agreed. Far better to give him the info - whether anonymously by letter or face to face - and then let him decide...

Far too many 'accidents' or tales of guys who 'lost their life savings' on Thai Visa already.

[dauu]

put yourself in his position!

?do you think some Buddy have to tell you?

if its me i would like to know

[Thaddeus]

if its me i would like to know

Hypothetically you probably would, reality has a knack of changing that.

[Lickey]

Yes, its true, this subject has been covered lots of times,

A falang came to our salon several times, good company for me, but i knew his GF was married to a falang, I was going to e-mail him when he left, but my mrs came straight out with it, your GF is married!he went home and asked questions, then left for europe, next day, mrs got a call, you no good, you got big mouth ect ect, you cost us 6000bht a month, he dont send anymore. Mrs said, ok, but your family not straight, this man loved you and your family and you decieve him.goodbye.

Another was a falang and his GF, i know if mrs talks to her for more than 5 mins, all is ok, any less then something is wrong, in this case it was about 2 mins, when they were ready to leave, he said to my mrs, everything ok? she said, family no good, be careful! he left the village, 6 weeks later she had another falang!!

The second option is the best for you i would think, if your mrs will co-operate, she needent say more than that or elaborate further, if he questions you about this, just say, perhaps she has another boyfriend or married,I dont know, perhaps they just want your money then boot you out, but if my wife says the family is no good, then i believe her and something is not right.he can make his own asumptions from this.

Cheers Lickey.

[Ijustwannateach]

I find (in general) that it helps to suggest several things that friends of mine who may be involved in dubious connections can do to check on their lovey-dovey wing-wangs [sorry, must be that last bit of chocolate, cheese, and wine!]

If they seem open to the idea {'oh, what a great idea, never thought of that!'} then I know they still have a critical mind and it is worth giving them further suggestions (until they either verify that things are ok, or break up).

If they make up all kinds of excuses not to do some kind of simple checking ('oh, it's just too difficult to check if he/she's really working/in school/living at so-and-so address/married/real name is XXXXXX'), then I assume they know that something's wrong but would rather remain deluded- and who am I to disturb their delusion?

If I've made the attempt to suggest they do some checking and they argue against me, I figure my duty as a friend is done. It's not my fault if they want to remain deluded, and if they pull the old 'why didn't you tell me?' later trying to avoid responsibility (as such types inevitably do), I can point out that I made simple suggestions which they refused to consider.

The sad thing is when the friend's dubious connection tries to cut off his other friendships to avoid their helping him realise his predicament... but once again, not our fault. I feel sorry for them, but they have to take responsibility for their own lives and relationship choices.

"S"

[onnut]

tell him what is happening, its for his own good.

to many of these scams are happening and if we can stop one then I think that is a great thing.

[Thaddeus]

Here we go (crack knuckles)

Firstly, if the OP returns to just check the results without further comments that will give some indication of the validity of the situation.

Secondly, notwithstanding the validity of this individual situation, this particular scenario has happened many times, I know of at least three instances myself.

The primary consideration should be 'is it fact or is it gossip?' ...... if it is just pure speculation and associated rumours that are always banded around, just ignore it (did you know that one of the girls from a local karaoke bar comes to my house at 3am some nights..... it was news to me)

Drilling down, if it is actually happening and you are 100% sure of that, do you get involved?

Directly involved, never..... if you do that one of two things will happen. 1. he will not believe you and it will never be mentioned again to anyone (in denial or not, it doesn't matter) 2. he may half believe you and then question his wife, who will extract out of him the source of the info, that would be when the fun starts, but I doubt anyone will be laughing.

So, should he know? ...... if it is just gossip, no. If it's much more than gossip, yes.

Should you tell him? ..... never, not under any circumstances, including getting a bit drunk with him and trying to discuss the plot line of 9 1/2 weeks.

So how does he find out? ...... tough one, unfortunately, any attempts at leaving secret notes in badly written English on his doorstep or slipping the odd revealing photo into his pocket when he isn't looking, will probably work, but you will be the prime suspect for doing it.

Will he find out eventually? ..... yes, when the house is finished and there is a pick-up on the driveway.

Is there any justice? ..... of course, when she realises that all she has is bricks and mortar but no money to pay for its upkeep, nothing in the fridge but water, a hunk of tin that she can't afford to run and the Thai husband has beggared off with a later model that is possibly repeating the same process, and hopefully, the farang in question will have the good sense not to do the same thing again, and the ability to rebuild his life if it wasn't money and time he could afford to waste.

[jay-uk]

Based on experience of having faced a similar situation or predicament with a friend in UK married to a thai lady. The guy may well not belive what he is told and stick his head in the sand like an ostrich and the lady in question will convince him that you lied and should not be spoken to again. Better to keep out of it and resist all urge to let him know. If he is gullible enough not to see the signs himself then let him loose the money.

We thought we were doing someone a good turn letting a nice guy know what his wife was upto no good and the whole thing was turned inside out, upside down until we were the guilty parties. In these instances better to be a spectator.

[ozzy111]

It's hard to believe that you even consider not teling him.

I know what your saying, the only thing is if it gets out that I told him It would be really bad for my wife and her family.