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Why Is She Scared Of Me?


BIG SPUDS

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A bit of a long story, and not one i expect anyone to answer with the exact answer but your opinion would be welcomed.

Last visit to thailand in September all went well (apart from me being ill most of the time there, Tonsilitis) Went alone and spent all my holiday with my thai GF.

both very much in love. On my day of departure both of us were very down and upset to be leaving each other, knowing i could not return until Feb.

We speak to each other several times a day and laugh and joke and tell each other how our day has been. Telling each other we miss each other and want to be together quick, talking about our plans for the future together in england to start with, to return to thailand after 1 - 2 years. Talking about wedding ideas and babies.

On leaving my Gf expressed how much she wanted to travel back to the UK with me, this was not possible as she had previously been refused a visitors visa.

She told me at this point as soon as i returned home she wanted me to gather more of the required info to re-apply for the same visa.

Which i did. This is where the story goes strange. My GF and i decided it would be best if we had some more ammo to fight the the reasons she may be refused.

she started school (to which she goes every day).

I sent all the new relevant info over for her visa and she applied.

When she went to the embassy she was told she was over the 75 applicants allowed for interviews that day and was given a date to return. That date being today the 9th of Nov. She called me this morning and told me she again had been refused. I asked why?

She told me the ECO asked lots of questions about her mother being sick, and she thought he did not believe she would want to go to the UK, as her mother was sick, even though her and her sisters take care of her mother on a shared monthly basis. (this being true about her mother and sisters).

However when i asked what the actual reason given for her refusal was, she said she did not know, he did not say. I asked for her to send a copy of the reasons for refusal letter to me, she said she was not given one nor an actual reason for refusal.

At this point i knew something was wrong, after several attempts, i managed to speak to someone at the embassy and explained the situation. At this point the man i was speaking to checked his computer and said he had no one down for an interview that day. And the last time she went for the Interview was june (prior to my visit in september) Something was wrong.

I called the Gf and asked her to tell me the truth. After "grilling" her for several minutes it all became clear, She had not been for the interview. when i asked why she said she was scared.

I kept asking why she was scared! what of? The embassy? going alone? the interview? England? Flying? me? What?

Her reply was everything!

Now i would understand if she had said every thing except me, but why was she scared of me?

I have never been nasty, never raised my voice, never got violent, always gave her as much as i could and she admitted she knows how much i love her but she could not tell me why she was scared of me. Let me paint a picture of myself. I am 5'8" slim. 30. never been in a fight, hate confrontation, hate arguements, not violent at all. She is 31, 4'5" never been in a relationship before. Never been abused, beaten etc

She told me a story about her friend that was with someone for a long time from norway. Who her friend loved and was loved back in return. When she got her visa to go and stay in norway, she realised her boyfriend was a crackhead that beat her and would not let her go home.

My Gf was scared this could happen to her!!

WHY!!!!!

I asked her if she thought i would ever hit her or do the same to which she replied "No!" but she is still scared of me. She could not tell me why.

After 30 minutes of her crying and telling me to finish with her because she had lied to me, I calmed her down and told her i loved her still but couldnt understand why she thought this and why she didnt tell me this before. She said she felt really bad about lieing to me but was really scared and thought if she had told me she was scared, and did not want to go alone to the embassy i would finish with her because she wouldnt do as i asked. But i thought we had agreed this together and it was her initial idea! We have sorted things out and told her she must tell me everything in the future about what she wants and to be totally 100% truthfull. She has told me she has never lied to me before and will never again as she still loves me and still wants to get married.

I have never heard a girl say so many times how sorry she was and how stupid she was for doing what she had done. She knows she is in the wrong and that she has been stupid about all this and told me she would never do anything like this again.

After i calmed her down and re-assured her she has nothing to worry about. She immediately said she wants to apply for the visa in FEB.

Now i have no doubts she loves me, i know she does not want someone else, or to split up. And she doesnt work in a bar.

So why does she fear me?

Today has been a horrible day, first getting dream shattered that visa was refused, found out GF lied to me then found out she is scared of me.

Can any one shed any light on this??

Or is it just one of those mysteries that is she is a woman!

(sorry no offence meant ladies!!! Honest)

:o

(sorry .......told you it was a long story)

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I think she doesn't fear you ... she just wants to please you.... so much in fact that she undergoes a conflict in her mind about what she wants and the need to please you.. :D

I don't believe she was lying to decieve you outright, but more because she didn't know what to do... i.e She thought you had your heart set on her coming to the UK so much that she couldn't begin to think how to let you down... :D It can't have been a great day for her either.. :D

Maybe now with all this in the open and her realising she can talk to you, about anything , this won't be a problem... :D

All part of relationships :o

totster :wub:

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I send her £100 a month as she knows i am saving to come to thailand and stay or for us to have a house together in england. I have offered to send her more but she says this is enough, as she knows if i send more i will not be able to come to thailand as much and it will be longer until we are together. But i do send her extra money for school, visa, passport etc. However she has £600 in a bank account in her name that she wont touch excpet emergencys, to show she has some money for the visa. I know this to still be there as i saw reciepts last visit.

I dont think a sob story is on the way as today she was genuinely upset she had lied as she was crying for 30 minutes when she thought i was going to finish with her, she is genuinely scared but i dont know what of.

Totster i think you maybe right, that is how she was trying to explain it to me.

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i meant no serious relationship

Men will never figure out women and also the other way around. But to be afraid of you. Maybe she is scared of leaving Thailand?? My wife is about to come to the states and she told me recently she will miss her Mom and Dad Brother and Sister which is understandable.

My Uncle and Aunt came to the states in 2002 and my aunt did not like it. So she decided to go back. I guess that the mind dreams alot and then when reality hits that's a different story.

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She admits to being scared of england the flying etc etc. but i dont understand why me?

I guess i was right, men wont understand women and vice versa.

And her english isnt very good and and she doesnt use the word scared she says "fear" so perhaps its nerves,

Oh well never mind weve cleared the misunderstanding now and are going together in Feb. If i hold her hand and show her love every step of the way, she will be fine.

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She admits to being scared of england the flying etc etc. but i dont understand why me?

I guess i was right, men wont understand women and vice versa.

And her english isnt very good and and she doesnt use the word scared she says "fear" so perhaps its nerves,

Oh well never mind weve cleared the misunderstanding now and are going together in Feb. If i hold her hand and show her love every step of the way, she will be fine.

Glad to hear, Just hope the truth issue is resolved That would bother me big time if my wife didn't go for her interview. and then told me she did. espacially the wait i had to go through. 2 years :o

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Spuds.....mate,

Please don't take this the wrong way, and I am not trying to be judgmental at all. You seem like a good bloke who is basically trying to do your best by someone who you love. I really feel gutted for you, having read about all the obstacles that you've come across.

But.....geez I hate to ask this, but is your GF a BG, or working in any BG related industry?

I don't buy the scared of going to the embassy story. Sorry for being harsh. I think you might be getting strung along.

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No she studies english. She doesnt work in the bars, she tells me she gets offers for work in bars but she refuses. She says she doesnt want to work in a bar. I call her all times of the day and night and would be able to tell if she worked in a bar. I can always tell if she is in her room. i hear her puppy and tv. She always answers her phone

Dont get me wrong i did think i might be being taken for a ride when i heard what i did today. But why shouldnt i believe her if she doesnt want my money, wont touch my money in her bank, doesnt work in a bar, have been introduced to some of her family, i have seen her cry when she thought i was bored with her, she has

spent hours on the phone crying and apologising to me today. She tells me if she didint love me and was not serious about me she would work in bar.

Could it be that she really is scared, is it too hard to believe!

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no mate, not hard to believe how you feel.

But I got to say, I speak from experience here with parts of my Thai family and from what other friends have gone through. Watch out, be careful and wary. I've seen the timid little butterfly act before.

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She did work in a bar but then a shop. I know i know bar girl..... i am asking for trouble, but not all bargirls are the same, please dont make me go back down this route, of defending her as an ex bargirl, its off the topic. and other members will agree not all BGs are the same. But she was sacked after i left after first meeting her for refusing to go with a customer, i have this 100% proof straight from her ex bosses mouth.

I have a feeling i will wish i never started this. :o

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She did work in a bar but then a shop. I know i know bar girl.....  i am asking for trouble, but not all bargirls are the same, please dont make me go back down this route, of defending her as an ex bargirl, its off the topic. and other members will agree not all BGs are the same. But she was sacked after i left after first meeting her for refusing to go with a customer, i have this 100% proof straight from her ex bosses mouth.

I have a feeling i will wish i never started this. :D

She is 31 BIG SPUDS?? :o

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apologies spuds. I didn't mean to be mean spirited with my questions. Really, I am trying to figure out where your GF is coming from. A lot of people have trouble with cross-cultural issues in this site and I wanted to rule out other motives.

I'll leave it there...apologies again.

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A bit of a long story, and not one i expect anyone to answer with the exact answer but your opinion would be welcomed.

Last visit to thailand in September all went well (apart from me being ill most of the time there, Tonsilitis) Went alone and spent all my holiday with my thai GF.

both very much in love. On my day of departure both of us were very down and upset to be leaving each other, knowing i could not return until Feb.

We speak to each other several times a day and laugh and joke and tell each other how our day has been. Telling each other we miss each other and want to be together quick, talking about our plans for the future together in england to start with, to return to thailand after 1 - 2 years. Talking about wedding ideas and babies.

On leaving my Gf expressed how much she wanted to travel back to the UK with me, this was not possible as she had previously been refused a visitors visa.

She told me at this point as soon as i returned home she wanted me to gather more of the required info to re-apply for the same visa.

Which i did. This is where the story goes strange. My GF and i decided it would be best if we had some more ammo to fight the the reasons she may be refused.

she started school (to which she goes every day).

I sent all the new relevant info over for her visa and she applied.

When she went to the embassy she was told she was over the 75 applicants allowed for interviews that day and was given a date to return. That date being today the 9th of Nov. She called me this morning and told me she again had been refused. I asked why?

She told me the ECO asked lots of questions about her mother being sick, and she thought he did not believe she would want to go to the UK, as her mother was sick, even though her and her sisters take care of her  mother on a shared monthly basis. (this being true about her mother and sisters).

However when i asked what the actual reason given for her refusal was, she said she did not know, he did not say. I asked for her to send a copy of the reasons for refusal letter to me, she said she was not given one nor an actual reason for refusal.

At this point i knew something was wrong, after several attempts, i managed to speak to someone at the embassy and explained the situation. At this point the man i was speaking to checked his computer and said he had no one down for an interview that day. And the last time she went for the Interview was june (prior to my visit in september) Something was wrong.

I called the Gf and asked her to tell me the truth. After "grilling" her for several minutes it all became clear, She had not been for the interview. when i asked why she said she was scared.

I kept asking why she was scared! what of? The embassy? going alone? the interview? England? Flying? me? What?

Her reply was everything!

Now i would understand if she had said every thing except me, but why was she scared of me?

I have never been nasty, never raised my voice, never got violent, always gave her as much as i could and she admitted she knows how much i love her but she could not tell me why she was scared of me. Let me paint a picture of myself. I am 5'8" slim. 30. never been in a fight, hate confrontation, hate arguements, not violent at all. She is 31, 4'5" never been in a relationship before. Never been abused, beaten etc

She told me a story about her friend that was with someone for a long time from norway. Who her friend loved and was loved back in return. When she got her visa to go and stay in norway, she realised her boyfriend was a crackhead that beat her and would not let her go home.

My Gf was scared this could happen to her!!

WHY!!!!!

I asked her if she thought i would ever hit her or do the same to which she replied "No!" but she is still scared of me. She could not tell me why.

After 30 minutes of her crying and  telling me to finish with her because she had lied to me, I calmed her down and told her i loved her still but couldnt understand why she thought this and why she didnt tell me this before. She said she felt really bad about lieing to me but was really scared and thought if she had told me she was scared, and did not want to go alone to the embassy i would finish with her because she wouldnt do as i asked. But i thought we had agreed this together and it was her initial idea! We have sorted things out and told her she must tell me everything in the future about what she wants and to be totally 100% truthfull. She has told me she has never lied to me before and will never again as she still loves me and still wants to get married.

I have never heard a girl say so many times how sorry she was and how stupid she was for doing what she had done. She knows she is in the wrong and that she has been stupid about all this and told me she would never do anything like this again.

After i calmed her down and re-assured her she has nothing to worry about. She immediately said she wants to apply for the visa in FEB.

Now i have no doubts she loves me, i know she does not want someone else, or to split up. And she doesnt work in a bar.

So why does she fear me?

Today has been a horrible day, first getting dream shattered that visa was refused, found out GF lied to me then found out she is scared of me.

Can any one shed any light on this??

Or is it just one of those mysteries that is she is a woman!

(sorry no offence meant ladies!!! Honest)

:o

(sorry .......told you it was a long story)

Why don't you go to Thailand and live with her for a decent period of time, say 1 year. Build trust and confidence in a real relationship instead of some inter-continental / occasional visit type situation. Be there in person for visa interviews and other times of doubt and fear etc.....

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A bit of a long story, and not one i expect anyone to answer with the exact answer but your opinion would be welcomed.

Last visit to thailand in September all went well (apart from me being ill most of the time there, Tonsilitis) Went alone and spent all my holiday with my thai GF.

both very much in love. On my day of departure both of us were very down and upset to be leaving each other, knowing i could not return until Feb.

We speak to each other several times a day and laugh and joke and tell each other how our day has been. Telling each other we miss each other and want to be together quick, talking about our plans for the future together in england to start with, to return to thailand after 1 - 2 years. Talking about wedding ideas and babies.

On leaving my Gf expressed how much she wanted to travel back to the UK with me, this was not possible as she had previously been refused a visitors visa.

She told me at this point as soon as i returned home she wanted me to gather more of the required info to re-apply for the same visa.

Which i did. This is where the story goes strange. My GF and i decided it would be best if we had some more ammo to fight the the reasons she may be refused.

she started school (to which she goes every day).

I sent all the new relevant info over for her visa and she applied.

When she went to the embassy she was told she was over the 75 applicants allowed for interviews that day and was given a date to return. That date being today the 9th of Nov. She called me this morning and told me she again had been refused. I asked why?

She told me the ECO asked lots of questions about her mother being sick, and she thought he did not believe she would want to go to the UK, as her mother was sick, even though her and her sisters take care of her  mother on a shared monthly basis. (this being true about her mother and sisters).

However when i asked what the actual reason given for her refusal was, she said she did not know, he did not say. I asked for her to send a copy of the reasons for refusal letter to me, she said she was not given one nor an actual reason for refusal.

At this point i knew something was wrong, after several attempts, i managed to speak to someone at the embassy and explained the situation. At this point the man i was speaking to checked his computer and said he had no one down for an interview that day. And the last time she went for the Interview was june (prior to my visit in september) Something was wrong.

I called the Gf and asked her to tell me the truth. After "grilling" her for several minutes it all became clear, She had not been for the interview. when i asked why she said she was scared.

I kept asking why she was scared! what of? The embassy? going alone? the interview? England? Flying? me? What?

Her reply was everything!

Now i would understand if she had said every thing except me, but why was she scared of me?

I have never been nasty, never raised my voice, never got violent, always gave her as much as i could and she admitted she knows how much i love her but she could not tell me why she was scared of me. Let me paint a picture of myself. I am 5'8" slim. 30. never been in a fight, hate confrontation, hate arguements, not violent at all. She is 31, 4'5" never been in a relationship before. Never been abused, beaten etc

She told me a story about her friend that was with someone for a long time from norway. Who her friend loved and was loved back in return. When she got her visa to go and stay in norway, she realised her boyfriend was a crackhead that beat her and would not let her go home.

My Gf was scared this could happen to her!!

WHY!!!!!

I asked her if she thought i would ever hit her or do the same to which she replied "No!" but she is still scared of me. She could not tell me why.

After 30 minutes of her crying and  telling me to finish with her because she had lied to me, I calmed her down and told her i loved her still but couldnt understand why she thought this and why she didnt tell me this before. She said she felt really bad about lieing to me but was really scared and thought if she had told me she was scared, and did not want to go alone to the embassy i would finish with her because she wouldnt do as i asked. But i thought we had agreed this together and it was her initial idea! We have sorted things out and told her she must tell me everything in the future about what she wants and to be totally 100% truthfull. She has told me she has never lied to me before and will never again as she still loves me and still wants to get married.

I have never heard a girl say so many times how sorry she was and how stupid she was for doing what she had done. She knows she is in the wrong and that she has been stupid about all this and told me she would never do anything like this again.

After i calmed her down and re-assured her she has nothing to worry about. She immediately said she wants to apply for the visa in FEB.

Now i have no doubts she loves me, i know she does not want someone else, or to split up. And she doesnt work in a bar.

So why does she fear me?

Today has been a horrible day, first getting dream shattered that visa was refused, found out GF lied to me then found out she is scared of me.

Can any one shed any light on this??

Or is it just one of those mysteries that is she is a woman!

(sorry no offence meant ladies!!! Honest)

:o

(sorry .......told you it was a long story)

Why don't you go to Thailand and live with her for a decent period of time, say 1 year. Build trust and confidence in a real relationship instead of some inter-continental / occasional visit type situation. Be there in person for visa interviews and other times of doubt and fear etc.....

Good Advice,Not easy to do if you have a job in the US or UK. I was lucky to get Three months with my wife. Surprised I had a job when I got back :D Also only have one week vacation a year in the US I was able to get 3 months because my boss was very understanding because he went throught the same thing His wife is Filipino. A year is definately out of the question.

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I had a similar situation with my EX Taiwanese wife.

She told me that her college had refused to give her transcipts up, so she could not go for her visa interview. I went down to her college, huffed and puffed, and made some people loose face, got her transcripts. (I speak Mandarin, and at the time I could really lay it on)

So any how, shortly there after, she asked me to open her purse to dig out her wallet to find a phone number, and in her wallet folded up, was her transcripts.

Being dumb and suposedly in love, I forgave her of her white lie...

Eventually she made it to the states, we were married, and I tossed her to the curb after 6 months....

You see that lie I cought her in, was just one of the the million others that she had given to me....

Think about it..... a symptom, has been shown. A pattern has been established, and if you choose to ignore it... Welll it is your life.

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I had a similar situation with my EX Taiwanese wife.

She told me that her college had refused to give her transcipts up, so she could not go for her visa interview.  I went down to her college, huffed and puffed, and made some people loose face, got her transcripts.  (I speak Mandarin, and at the time I could really lay it on)

  So any how, shortly there after, she asked me to open her purse to dig out her wallet to find a phone number, and in her wallet folded up, was her transcripts.

Being dumb and suposedly in love, I forgave her of her white lie...

  Eventually she made it to the states, we were married, and I tossed her to the curb after 6 months....

  You see that lie I cought her in, was just one of the the million others that she had given to me....

  Think about it.....  a symptom, has been shown. A pattern has been established, and if you choose to ignore it...  Welll it is your life.

Wow Dakhar Now your Scaring me :o My wife just got her visa

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Personally I think your only hope of getting your girlfriend to England is as a fiancée. Being refused is very dispiriting, and doubtless everyone is telling her she will be refused. From your e-mails I could even start drafting the refusal for a visitor's visa:

'but you are a single woman, presently unemployed and are supported by your British boyfriend, Big Spuds. You state that the relationship is searious and that marriage is planned. You have shown no pressing need to return to Thailand.'

Any doubts about admitting how you met and:

'I am not satisified that you have been wholly candid about your previous occupation that you state was <insert her chosen distortion of the truth - probably a shop or stall business that collapsed after a few years>.'

In any case, expect:

'In the light of your statements made at interview I am not satisfied that you are a genuine visitor going for the period or purpose as stated and will return to Thailand at the end of the period stated.'

On the other hand, she might actually get a way with a few lies in a settlement interview (mirabile dictu!) even if they contradict the truth given in VAF2 questions 5.2 to 5.5 - when and where did you meet, when and where did relationship begin. Actually, 5.4 and 5.5 could be tricky to answer - when did which relationship begin - hooker/client? mistress/protector? lovers?

On a more constructive note, how does one establish an escape route so that she knows she can flee if things go wrong? That would go a long way to setting her mind at rest. Perhaps tales of forced prostitution are also at the back of her mind.

Another problem is that she is probably scared of travelling on her own. My wife, who is Thai and does not read English at all well, has just travelled back to Thailand without me for the second time , and she was very nervous. It's far worse travelling the other way on your own. Don Muang is very badly signposted if you can only read Thai.

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Thanks everyone for the advice i know what you all mean and can see where you are all coming from. I really didnt mean to sound nasty with the comment to the Bar girl post, its just i mention her past and most people think there is the answer.

And i am tired of trying to explain there are good and bad in people in every profession, country, blah, blah. I know she loves me and me only and does not sleep around. Money is not what she wants from me she keeps telling me, she says she justs wants my love and for us to be together.

Yes she is 31, worked on parents farm until 24, 5 yrs in factories in BKK, 1 1/2 yrs in 2 bars. I have seen the bars she worked in and i can tell you if you were not shown where they were you would have never found them. I know about her past and she knows about mine.

I know it would be ideal to spend a lot of time together but as replied it is virtually impossible to get that amount of time off work. That is why we spend almost an hour together on the phone each day. We both know we need to spend more time with each other before we committ totally, but its impossible for me and scary for her.

I am not fooled into a secure relationship easy, as i spent 8 years previous to meeting her in a relationship from ######, no trust not much love and full of lies and deceit. i lost a lot of my friends and made a lot of enemies. And a few scars.

So i do walk around with the attitude once bitten twice shy. And i did not go to thailand looking for love or anything like that, we was not even BF & GF when i left after the first time of meeting.

So i have trodden carefully and all my suspicions have been answered with the replies i wanted, apart from this one. That is why i find it difficult to understand why she fears me, as i didnt know i could put the fear into anyone if i tried.

I wondered if most Thai girls are a bit on the weary side, a bit cautious.....i dont know.

Perhaps i am looking to much into it and she is, just nervous and wants to wait for me to go with her, but was scared of upsetting me by saying she wanted to wait. He reaction to me questioning her and reveiling i knew the truth, was upsetting for her and me. It upset me to hear her cry so much. She realised she had lied and been found out and could lose me. she was uncontrollable with tears and i could not get her to stop even by telling her i still loved her and did not want to finish. "im stupid im stupid, so sorry so very very sorry" she kept saying even after i had said it was ok and to forget about it. She told me later she did not want to lie to me but she did not know what to say. When i found out she was convinced she had blown everything.

We both have agreed not to keep anything from each other, never to lie and to say what ever is on our mind, even if it may upset the other.

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Does Physical and Emotional Abuse go on alot in Thailand??

I just ask my wife for her opinion and she said "Yes a lot". I personally think the average farang man treats a woman better than the average Thai man.

My wife was always terrified at going to the Canadian Embassy. They refused her a tourist visa the first time and gave her a terrible time about having not enough money. From what she told me of that experience you got to sit there while every second person got rejected before you.

They even gave her a very hard time in her Immigration interview (University Degrees and uninterrupted specialty work in a major teaching hospital). I think some of this is the fact that the interviewers are Thai and they know that if they applied that they would be rejected as well.

If you try and put yourself in her shoes for a minute; you can see that there are a lot of outside forces that can shape both your destinies and you have little or no control over them. Add into the mix that Thai people in general accept what the authorities say because of not wanting to loose face and to keep harmony at all costs. Where we westerners, on the otherhand, would look like barbarians as we ranted and raved and seriously thought about throttling the person on the other side of the desk.

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Her first time to the embasssy was a bad experience for her, so i understand why she does not want to go alone.

If i go back in FEB and wish to change the visa for a fiance visa and hope to bring her back 8th march when should i submit the visa application, what is the waiting time.

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I wouldn't trust her. Something doesn't sound right. However, I'm not there on the scene, but neither are you by the sound of it. When you grilled her her carefully crafted lies fell apart ("I'm scared of everything you've mentioned" :o:D:D ).

Cynic I am but I'm cynical through experience.

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