How Did I Find A Good Man From Internet

[onni4me]

I've been really happy for 2 years that i've been with my Thai husband. Of course, we've had our rounds as anyonein a relationship but they've been short-lived.

I had a guy from Pattaya before. I have stayed in Thailand 4 years now and my first experience was that kind that one wants to forget for good. I did all the mistakes and got wounded. After licking my wounds I came up with a different kind of plan. I needed to adjust my seeking settings. So I came up with the following that worked.

Looking guys from internet. My rules.

1. AGE. Although I admire and sometimes even get excited of younger cute guys I had to admit to myself that I am far from athlete. So I decided to put an age limit that no younger guys than -10 years taken from my age. Now I am 38, was 36 when met my guy. I do believe in love but if the age difference is too big it reminds me of giving advice to my brothers generation and we are very far apart what comes to life experiences and expectations (he is over 10 years younger).

2. WORK. The guy has to have a job. Not that I would care paying some pocket money but rather having a job shows that the guy can survive on his own and don't expect things to be handed to him free of charge. Its also a character question. How many leeches you have seen working and keeping their work? In my experience even if you give them chances to work they bail out saying that it's so little money and that it's so boooring...

3. LANGUAGE. The one needs to speak understandable English that I can communicate with him (I myself can also understand Swedish, Finnish, German and a little French). It really makes me wonder how some guys can stay with someone even without the basic communication skills. Me go, you go, he go ... and such...what an headache...!!!

4. LOCATION. As much I enjoy destinations like Phuket, Bangkok, Chiang Mai or even Pattaya, I can't imagine someone unspoiled coming from those destinations. You probably can understand what I mean without spelling it out. Those guys have a manual how to handle foreigners and they've heard all the stories how one can't be happy with other than Thai. So I decided to look outside the obvious farang destinations in Thailand.

5. nud_e PICS. As much I enjoy looking the fabulous naked bodies of male sex, I can't stand the idea of my loved one spreading nud_e pics of his body around the web. So, someone was deleted from possible list of future bf/husband if he did this even on request! Keep in mind that we had never actually met. I know that some guys are into this kind of thing but there are big differencies what comes to Thai and European culture considering this. A Thai spreading nud_e pics is far away from the kind I am planning to "marry".

6. DRINKING & SMOKING. Can't tolerate guys that smoke. Not to mention the fact that I am asthmatic. Smoking in my mind sort of relates in Asian culture to mafia wannabes that do that "look" with leather jackets and rogue appearance. Just a thought, though. I do drink more than is healthy for me, sometimes out of boredom, sometimes for fun. But for some reason I consider healthy that I don't share this habit with someone. I like to have options and difference in some things. Also what comes to drinking of Thai men, I have seen so many guys that are happy doing absolutely nothing but drink with their buddies playing cards and fuc_king around. Am I wrong thinking these things relate?

7. FAMILY. (optional) I prefer a close small Thai family rather than one with 10 brothers and sisters and couple hundred cousins. Why? Well, I am not that well off and family's needs come first in every Thai family that I know of. Trying to keep low maintenance in my financial matters.

So, how many guys I found that were compatible with my rules? After searching countless hours and several websites one could think that there were plenty. Wrong. There were 2. The other one had had a farang bf before and when we chatted, he talked over and over again how much he missed this guy. When I mentioned that maybe he should give him a call he went nuts (loss of face?). The other one didn't appear very attractive in the picture but luckily it was really a bad picture. We contacted 2 months through internet before we met and have been together since.

I would like to add that I don't believe in long-distance relationships. I spend 3 months every year outside Thailand working and getting paid enough to pay my stay for another 9 months.

Don't take these rules too seriously but I just like to point out that there are reasons why internet encounters so often end up miserably.

[Jingthing]

Sounds like shopping for a sofa.

Edited August 8, 2008 by Jingthing

[onni4me]

Sounds like shopping for a sofa.

Sofas are also not meant for one night stands.

[arco27]

Sounds like shopping for a sofa.

Sofas are also not meant for one night stands.

sounds all very clinical, if not cynical to me. after many years of meeting guys in all sorts of situations, heartaches and rip-offs, I finally met my guy 7 years ago and we have been good for each other ever since and he does not cost me a penny. Having said that, I would not have missed my previous adventures for quids. Net dating is at best frustrating, its like buying a cat in a bag. Thai guys are not all that different from any others, they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes with the great advantage that most of them have not got our Christian/Judeo hangups and treat their sexuality as a normal enjoyable part of life. Mostly I find that the farangs that get burned fall madly in love with the first cute barboy they meet and when things go wrong and the family in Isaan starts costing them a mozza they start crying foul. Like in everything in Thailand, business dealings or finding a boyfriend stay level headed at all timesand enjoy the bumpy ride

[onni4me]

sounds all very clinical, if not cynical to me. after many years of meeting guys in all sorts of situations, heartaches and rip-offs, I finally met my guy 7 years ago and we have been good for each other ever since and he does not cost me a penny. Having said that, I would not have missed my previous adventures for quids.

I did just try to avoid those heartaches and rip-offs. I have plenty experience of meeting and enjoying the company of Thai men. I just have my standards and don't wish to go through all the stages again and again. I am happy that you met your guy but if you wouldn't have met him, what then? Continuing seeking and trying all over again?

It sounds peculiar that you say he never costed you a penny. Personally I don't believe it or he is in a very good position in life.

What comes to some of my previous adventures, I would gladly forget some of them. No need to hassle everything in ones life.

[popshirt]

Sounds like shopping for a sofa.

Sofas are also not meant for one night stands.

all very clinical, if not cynical to me.

The OP did state that these are guidelines and not to take them too seriously.

I think there is much truth in what he has written.

I met my bf four years ago on the internet and ours was a friendship first, then a loving friendship and only then did it become sexual. No nud_e photos, he has a good job, and yes his family is small (and not from Isaan, LOL, he is a Bangkok guy), speaks English well and is a Chula graduate. Our relationship is as close to a relationship of equals as we can manage.

[arco27]

sounds all very clinical, if not cynical to me. after many years of meeting guys in all sorts of situations, heartaches and rip-offs, I finally met my guy 7 years ago and we have been good for each other ever since and he does not cost me a penny. Having said that, I would not have missed my previous adventures for quids.

I did just try to avoid those heartaches and rip-offs. I have plenty experience of meeting and enjoying the company of Thai men. I just have my standards and don't wish to go through all the stages again and again. I am happy that you met your guy but if you wouldn't have met him, what then? Continuing seeking and trying all over again?

It sounds peculiar that you say he never costed you a penny. Personally I don't believe it or he is in a very good position in life.

What comes to some of my previous adventures, I would gladly forget some of them. No need to hassle everything in ones life.

My partner is a research chemist at a university and is paid by a multinational pharma company and therefore earns an above average Thai salary and of course I buy him meals and presents, but so does he for me. His father is a uni lecturer and his mother a teacher and he has only one brother, so I am not expected to help out. If had not met him who knows, I might have had an other few years of trial and error, but for me it would have been fun, because I probably don't have your morals, but I am also not easely sucked in by any barboys sob story and will never be a wandering ATM.

[bluemanna]

Well all i can say is good luck !!

Personally I think that if you meet someone that you make a connection with and find it develops further, the rest of the things that you find an issue can be worked through. Dont limit yourself by placing so many criteria on a potential partner or you may be single for a while.....

[Jingthing]

I realize single people tend to do that, make lists about what they are looking for, how they will screen people. But it really isn't very romantic, is it? Can you imagine a 20 year old doing that when finding their first love? They usually don't. It also can be seen as a sign of a very SELFISH perspective, kind of an reductionist objectification of the human product you want to invest your time in. I must admit I have had only one true love in my life. I would have never ordered him up the way he was, I just loved him, period, pretty much unconditionally, and I could never rationally explain why him. I think I will never again love someone the way I loved him when we were lovers, but to me, that irrational love is the ideal, not some idea of he passed the screening test like from a shopping catalog.

Edited August 9, 2008 by Jingthing

[Ijustwannateach]

Different types of people have different goals. I think it's all well and good to love irrationally, but I have seen too many irrational romantic friends dragged down financially, emotionally, and even physically by their long-term relationships to persons that would not have stood up to a few simple, common-sense questions about the long-term (I'm not only talking about Thailand, naturally). Of course, there are always exceptions, and I don't doubt that those who say that their leap-of-faith has worked for them.

If I am only dating for fun, then I don't care much about a person's resume- it's only fun, and I can protect myself. Perhaps it is an Asian influence on me, now, but if we are talking about looking for a *life partner* as opposed to simple dating, I'm going to be looking at the long term. So, pardon me for being picky! It sure does beat the alternatives!

It seems to be an emotive topic with many posters here, as if there were something wrong in being selfish about protecting oneself, or looking for the best possible partner. Surely it is one advantage of the computer that you can screen out automatically those whom you wouldn't want to waste your time with? (Smoking? no thanks. Occasional drug use? no thanks. Doesn't like safe sex? No way in hel_l. Unemployed? Get a job.). I wouldn't care how cute or warm or cuddly someone was, or how it might be true that I missed some .005% chance that things would work out anyway in those cases. I'm not looking for someone to take care of or reform, but someone that can stand up on his own and wants to be with me while he does.

I mean, it's not like impulsive irrationality is ever off the menu should I choose to embrace it.

I enjoyed onnime's wishlist, though of course it is not the same as the one I (or anyone else) uses. Even those who think they are choosing irrationally are most likely responding to some kind of internal emotional response based on physical behavioural cues, or deep-seated childhood memories of caretakers- just because you don't understand the choice consciously doesn't mean it's random. So they also have criteria, it's just that they're not accessible in a way that allows them to be spelled out.

Personally, I would never look for a long term relationship with anyone who didn't press at least some of my irrational emotional/physical buttons (and why would I?) but I would also never look for a long term relationship with anyone who didn't have some matching values with me regarding a work ethic, personal integrity, self-esteem, etc. that could be reflected easily in whether or not they were employed, how they took care of themselves, and how they presented themselves publicly (and why would I?). Using the head doesn't preclude using the heart, too- and I think the best results might come of using both of them.

Good discussion so far.

"S"

[Rionoir]

In the time you took to write all of that, you could've gotten in shape and learned Thai and a whole new world of possibilities would've opened for you...

[onni4me]

In the time you took to write all of that, you could've gotten in shape and learned Thai and a whole new world of possibilities would've opened for you...

??? Did I miss something ?

In gay life it's so typical to stare at someone's physical appearance. What comes to speaking Thai, the ones I've met in Thailand have been able to express themselves with reasonable English abilities. The ones that can't speak it at all are - from my personal point of view - uninteresting.

The whole writing was basically from the point that I do understand why so many get disappointed in their quest to find good guys. Great expectations, that's it and nothing to back them. I am not a prince Charming but I am aware of my good qualities.

As someone above wrote, it's almost imprinted into our characters what kind of a person we a actually looking for and this has nothing to do with selfishness or bitterness. The problem occurs when we in a land of plenty like Thailand without means to determine what we are looking at. I have nothing against falling in love - even instantly - but the qualities should exist there if anything further is going to take place. It still seems hard to some that their 'special love' would be under critical observation because he is 'different'. How many times have I heard that...hmm...let me count...

I am myself a passionate guy still being able to analyze my being. Just would hope to demystify the concept of romantic love that seems to linger amongst us. With 'romantic' I mean blurred idea without any attachment to normal life. It can be as strange as the concept of gay men just f*****g and partying in movies and television series. They never seem to work or have more problems in their lives than merely looking for another sex partner. Rationality and love are hopefully living on the same planet.

[PeaceBlondie]

We all like to play Santa Claus: "..Making a list, checking it twice. Gonna' find out who's naughty or nice..." I once had a straight roommate who counseled ladies who had just gotten out of the insane asylum. Almost all of them had lists of the characteristics of the perfect partner. Only one lady had the sanity to admit that anybody who met all her criteria would be boring.

In looking for a partner for having a good time of more than 22 minutes, I was selective. I never looked across the room at some toothless old geriatric patient in a wheel chair and thought we could spend the next 25 years together.

[Jingthing]

Aren't most relationships, hetero or homo. COMPROMISES that are largely economically based and for mutual selfish benefit? I think mostly they are. Sooner or later, they become a kind of business partnership. The sex spark certainly almost always fades. Traditional cultures therefore don't have it all wrong with arranged marriages. Now, this is the vein I see the LIST as. A practicality. Not very related to the rarity of ROMANTIC LOVE, that yes, I do believe does exist, and NO I don't think it has much to do at all with RATIONALITY.

[Ijustwannateach]

In the time you took to write all of that, you could've gotten in shape and learned Thai and a whole new world of possibilities would've opened for you...

Do you know me? Obviously not well, or you would be better informed. Let's stick to the topic of the thread, shall we.

"S"

[ulath]

What comes to speaking Thai, the ones I've met in Thailand have been able to express themselves with reasonable English abilities. The ones that can't speak it at all are - from my personal point of view - uninteresting.

Maybe alot of thai guys think same of you because you cant speak thai ? (is what he i think he means towards oni4me not ijwt not confused look).

I agree with ijwt post every has some things they consciously or subconsciously look for in, just some people in different quanities.

This may sound harsh, but I find your above sentence obnoxious, if somone i met on internet who was from another country visiting mine and didint speak our language said that to me id laugh at them. For a extended period.

For me if i was attracted to somone, id try and learn the language its part of the fun! and i dont mean just straight out pure sexual attraction, attraction can be a combination of many things and theres a market for eveything(thank <deleted>) bleh could you image a world were we are all attracted to the same type of guy *shudder* how boring would it be.

Anyway i waffle on to much.

Edited August 10, 2008 by ulath

[Ijustwannateach]

PB and JT: just saying that as long as someone's doing searches on computers anyway, you may as well eliminate the broadest swath you can- otherwise why not just start at "A" and keep looking until you reach "Z!" Practicality is right!

JT: I don't believe in romantic love for which there are no psychological (and therefore ultimately explainable) sources. But there isn't much difference in not looking for these sources and proceeding as if they don't exist, so I wouldn't say that you're wrong, either. If it works for you, go for it!

Onni: I think I see pretty eye-to-eye with you on the reasons for your approach, though I don't usually do computer dating myself.

[Jingthing]

I still do believe in romantic love but recognize it is a belief system, maybe even a kind of faith based on western culture.

Consider this, if you go to bar and see 100 people, maybe just maybe you will feel some kind of connection with one person there, if you are lucky. The others you just know it isn't there. I am not just talking about looks, I am talking about a feeling that for whatever reason, is just there.

So consider the internet, you screen, you preen, you vaseline, your computer match fits you to a tee. Then you meet, Turns out he in real life does nothing for you. Or you for him. Or both. Well, maybe OK for a sex date but I mean a real connection. Most of the time, that is exactly how it is on the internet.

So I don't really believe in lists. I think finding a partner is like sales but selling something really unlikely and difficult like snow to eskimos. You have to put yourself out there alot and expect mostly no gos. But that takes an awful lot of emotional energy. Lots of single people and mismatched couples who have settled to be with SOMEONE rather than NOONE out there, aren't there?

Edited August 10, 2008 by Jingthing

[cophen]

There seems to be some sort of biological basis for romantic love.

[ulath]

I still do believe in romantic love but recognize it is a belief system, maybe even a kind of faith based on western culture.

Consider this, if you go to bar and see 100 people, maybe just maybe you will feel some kind of connection with one person there, if you are lucky. The others you just know it isn't there. I am not just talking about looks, I am talking about a feeling that for whatever reason, is just there.

After working in nightclubs and bars for over 10yrs i do agree with you(its the eye thing(thats what i call it LOL), but i think its caused by the stuff ijwt said above. e.g. somewhere in our minds somthing is going ping like could the way his eyes are shaped, way his hair falls etc etc but tis something you just cant put your finger on(the subconscious0. Then he seems to look into your eyes, if you get a smile as well HELLO! ,

So consider the internet, you screen, you preen, you vaseline, your computer match fits you to a tee. Then you meet, Turns out he in real life does nothing for you. Or you for him. Or both. Well, maybe OK for a sex date but I mean a real connection. Most of the time, that is exactly how it is on the internet.

Lol internet dating where to start, some of my best friends i met years ago on gay IRC channels, then every man and their dog got modem, and web chat was invented and that made it easier for people to get online, including the physcos there is nice people still out there online though its just signal to noise ratio has changed.

I try and chat with them on msn a bit more and then have coffee or somthing first (even if it is just for sex) and tell them we will meet have chat see if we like each other and go from there if there is spark, wether it be just or sex or maybe anohter date.

[onni4me]

I'd like to just add that we chatted and emailed 2 months before actually meeting. That should make my point. He never was only one I contacted but became something much more.

About internet...what's there to be said...except that its one medium to approach people. Some detest it, some love it and so on. For me it worked. So I am all for it.

[PeaceBlondie]

The computer is neither a God nor a Devil. It is just another tool (and let us be thankful for tools). Before computer dating matching, there were classified ads. "Young, fit, hung, gorgeous top seeks well-educated, attractive, amorous Asian (no fatsos, nobody over 5'11") in Castro area who enjoys windsurfing and earlies techno music.." In a big city, it is difficult to find somebody like that at your local taco stand. Speaking of signal to noise ratios, I cannot interview a prospective candidate in a noisy disco.

As onni4me just clarified, you screen each other on the internet for a long time. You discover common interests and activities besides sex, find out how much you enjoy the same things, etc.

Great discussion. Remember, these are just opinions. No personal attacks.

[Rionoir]

otherwise why not just start at "A" and keep looking until you reach "Z!" Practicality is right!

I know you are trying to be sarcastic, but why NOT start at A and keep looking until you reach Z??? There's no rule that says you have to date everyone you meet more than one time, and you certainly don't have to bring them all home with you... but the more people you meet the more likely you are to find the right one. I'll tell you what... sometimes the greatest relationships come with those people that you think you are going to have nothing in common with.

PB got it all right... I think if most of us would actually meet the person we would create for ourselves, we'd be bored silly!

[ulath]

Yeah it is just another tool and use it regularly, somtimes the old photos, lies about age and stuff can get to you though I guess you never know were you might meet a partner(long or short term) l wouldnt discount a taco shop lol ive met some guys who have just been walking past me in the city (in australia). Gay bars/clubs tend for me to be a place for me which is safe you can be who youre true self and it dont matter and i think they are there for more then just pickning up(eg to go out with mates and hav fun) and id interview them on the next date after we met and swapped numbers at a club I dont like loud noise either loosing my voice form screaming at somone so they can hear you is not fun and managers/owners who let djs dictate volume levels need to be whipoed, in a no pleasureable way that is heheheh

I remember classifieds, come from a small country town there was a classified board in the the one and only sex shop which had some gay ones on it, working up to the courage to go in there was scary, it was seen then as bad enough going into sex shop let along what i wanted to gain from it heheheh

I am so glad attidues have been and still are getting better all over the world. Hopefully they will keep getting better might cut the youth suicdie rate bit.

edit: Thinking about this after maybe we have the internet partially to thank for for the change in attitudes as its been easier for people to talk to each other and know they arent the only one and there are people out there like them ?

Edited August 11, 2008 by ulath

[onni4me]

I am so glad attidues have been and still are getting better all over the world. Hopefully they will keep getting better might cut the youth suicdie rate bit.

edit: Thinking about this after maybe we have the internet partially to thank for for the change in attitudes as its been easier for people to talk to each other and know they arent the only one and there are people out there like them ?

I agree 100%. In Finland there's been a big drop in suicide rate when internet came alive and popular, especially concerning young men. When I was young I thought I was only one who felt towards men. The general athmosphere was not very allowing - must come from protestant culture that has penetrated Northern Europe in such a big extent. Everything was sin and gays were unheard of. Some said that Swedish people were 'like that'. I got some hints from literature and movies and it made me think that maybe there was a way to comprehend my feelings. When I was introduced to net I sat hours wondering how many gay sites there was. Nowadays I mostly read news and look documentary films... maybe I am getting old..

Nowadays young people can share their feelings anonymously and find groups that accept them fully. In my opinion that's new kind of social networking. Before it was mostly people through social functions and work that one was able to meet. People outside closed circles were rarities. One might wonder how quickly flying has become popular. Not much over 35 years i guess. Thinking about myself I am greatful that I could come to Thailand in such an easy way. Being born not so long away gave me advantages over older generations. I was born a year that they abolished gay law from criminal code...hmm...maybe they knew it was useless concerning my being.

Edited August 11, 2008 by onni4me

[Thanh-BKK]

Hello

I did not do any of that - when i found my guy i was in germany, he in Bnagkok. We "met" on a Singaporean (!) gay IRC chat room. We COULD not exchange nud_e pics as neither of us had a digital camera (that was early 2000). He did have a job however, and the age difference is 2 1/2 years (he's younger). All we did was chatting on IRC - hours and hours and hours, for months. He never asked me for money, but i did send him 100 Dollars once - as he mentioned they (he lived wit his family then) had no food (!) because his father got sick and could not work (taxi driver). Another time i sent him a used, old CD-ROM drive because the one in his computer had died and he didn't have money to buy one. And a couple of weeks before my flight to Bangkok i sent him 300 Dollars to rent a room for us to stay when i arrive.

I then flew to Bangkok on a one-way ticket to what is basically a blind date - never seen him before (only on "regular" pictures) and only knew his voice as we had spoken on the phone.

There he was, picking me up from the airport (after lots of hassles and doubts on his side - try to explain someone on another continent why on earth that plane is delayed and delayed and delayed until it finally goes 19 hours too late! My phone charger in the already checked luggage, him thinking i changed my mind.... and getting someone from Qantas to confirm that there's REALLY a problem with the aircraft and me's REALLY at the airport, waiting for the darn 747 to show up!), bringing me to the room he had rented. That was December 7th, 2000.

We are still together, still live in that very same room, and even that CD drive is here - in the "computer spares" box... and the 300 Dollars will come back as well, the day we leave this place and get the security deposit back (we are planning to move to Chiang Mai at some stage).

Oh, and back then - i didn't speak a single word Thai and both his and my English were rudimentary at best. Still - it worked out perfectly

Best regards.....

Thanh

[Unfaithful]

Sammi Noi won the screening orocess.

Boyfriend who is number one came later, in a screening process.I do not strike up a LTR with just any body.Maybe two bodys.

[Krub]

Hello

I did not do any of that - when i found my guy i was in germany, he in Bnagkok. We "met" on a Singaporean (!) gay IRC chat room. We COULD not exchange nud_e pics as neither of us had a digital camera (that was early 2000). He did have a job however, and the age difference is 2 1/2 years (he's younger). All we did was chatting on IRC - hours and hours and hours, for months. He never asked me for money, but i did send him 100 Dollars once - as he mentioned they (he lived wit his family then) had no food (!) because his father got sick and could not work (taxi driver). Another time i sent him a used, old CD-ROM drive because the one in his computer had died and he didn't have money to buy one. And a couple of weeks before my flight to Bangkok i sent him 300 Dollars to rent a room for us to stay when i arrive.

I then flew to Bangkok on a one-way ticket to what is basically a blind date - never seen him before (only on "regular" pictures) and only knew his voice as we had spoken on the phone.

There he was, picking me up from the airport (after lots of hassles and doubts on his side - try to explain someone on another continent why on earth that plane is delayed and delayed and delayed until it finally goes 19 hours too late! My phone charger in the already checked luggage, him thinking i changed my mind.... and getting someone from Qantas to confirm that there's REALLY a problem with the aircraft and me's REALLY at the airport, waiting for the darn 747 to show up!), bringing me to the room he had rented. That was December 7th, 2000.

We are still together, still live in that very same room, and even that CD drive is here - in the "computer spares" box... and the 300 Dollars will come back as well, the day we leave this place and get the security deposit back (we are planning to move to Chiang Mai at some stage).

Oh, and back then - i didn't speak a single word Thai and both his and my English were rudimentary at best. Still - it worked out perfectly

Best regards.....

Thanh

Thanks for sharing Thanh, heart-warming. Good luck to both of you

[onni4me]

Hello

There he was, picking me up from the airport (after lots of hassles and doubts on his side - try to explain someone on another continent why on earth that plane is delayed and delayed and delayed until it finally goes 19 hours too late! My phone charger in the already checked luggage, him thinking i changed my mind.... and getting someone from Qantas to confirm that there's REALLY a problem with the aircraft and me's REALLY at the airport, waiting for the darn 747 to show up!), bringing me to the room he had rented. That was December 7th, 2000.

Oh, and back then - i didn't speak a single word Thai and both his and my English were rudimentary at best. Still - it worked out perfectly

It is always heart-warming indeed to hear happy stories. Happy together - yes! Unfortunately not always so long. This also reminds me of my first time I stood face to face to my BF. Met at airport after so long time only chatting and exchanging emails. First he was quite shy but that went away quite quickly.

I would love to hear more stories like this one!