Dealing With Bad News From Home.

[garro]

I am not sure if this is an appropriate topic for a forum, but I'll talk about it anyway. My father is very sick back in my home country and he might not make it. He had complete heart block while out walking and his heart stopped for an unknown amount of time. It is now almost four days and he is still unconcious. They have no idea if his brain is damaged. He is on full life support in ICU. His medical team don't feel too confident about his chances even though my father is only sixty. His consultant was asked if myself and my brother should return quickly, but the counsultant feels that if there is to be recovery then it will be very slow and so there is no need for us to rush back.

I am a nurse and have a good idea about what is going on, but being so far away makes it hard to know what is really happening. It has all happened so fast that I don't really know what I should be doing. It all feels a bit unreal. I have just being going to work as normal. I have decided not to rush back because I have a young son here and responsibilities and don't really see what use I would be to anyone. There is also the financial worries of the trip, and I don't want to let my school down.

I am not looking for any sympathy or lectures, but just wondered what others have done in similar situations. I will likely regret putting such thougts on a general forum, but I am sort of working on autopilot at the moment and I always feel better writing about things than talking about them.

[lazeeboy]

go home ,see him ,it will make other members of your family happier,and you'll know his condition 1st hand...

[GuestHouse]

Sorry to hear your bad news Garro.

My advice - Go home and says goodbye to your father.

You mention your son, and responsibilities to your job - To my mind family responsibilities are not an open ended thing - They are a circle and one that needs to be balanced.

Go home, you'll not regret it.

[Somtamnication]

Go east, young man. If you do not say your good byes, you will always regret it.

[Naam]

Go east, young man. If you do not say your good byes, you will always regret it.

except for "east" i second that. go and see him Garro.

[mrtoad]

Garro, sorry to hear the bad news.

As already been said by a few other members, make the journey, you may regret it if you don't.

[lordofdelusion]

Sorry about your situation. 60 is so young. I lost my mom last month after an extended illness and I too was a long time nurse. I knew there was nothing I could do and I have a wife and a baby here. Still, to see the family one more time together would have been nice. Mom wouldn't have known the difference and maybe your dad won't either. But you might. I didn't go but maybe I should have. It's a tough situation.

[geriatrickid]

How do you think you will deal with the issue in the coming months or years if you do not go? Can you deal with it?

If want to consider the big picture, consider the following;

- What message does it send to your wife and inlaws? You know how important family is to Thais. Factor it into the equation.

- I don't know how old your child is, but if she or he is old enough to understand the concept of family, you may find your child not coming to see you when the time comes.

- You may think you are letting the school down, but are you? You can bet that if a Thai had a sick parent, he or she would be off like a bullet. Can you deal with the possible perception that you are the farang that didn't see his father?

Not an easy situation to be in, but it may be best to go and do what needs to be done. You will probably thank yourself a few years down the road.

I wish you the strength to deal with this.

[rixalex]

Sorry to hear your sad news Garro.

Just follow your gut feeling. Rushing home serves no purpose for your father. I'm sure, were he able to express an opinion, your father wouldn't want you turning your life upside down for him. He knows you love him and so there's no need to try and prove or show this by flying half way round the word.

Hope his condition improves mate.

[simon43]

Garro, my father died of a heart attack last year in the Uk. There was not enough time for me to return home prior to his passing. I regret that very much. You should get on the next plane.

Best of luck

Simon

[mizzi39]

Sorry to hear garro. It is tough being so far away and getting this kind of news. I know that if anything serious happened to my mother or father, I would have to be on the next plane out of here. I also have a wife, son, and job to think about. I know my wife would understand, and my son would be well cared for in my absence. If my employer didn't, well I guess i would be finding other employment upon my return.

Any decision you make is the right decision garro, as long as it has been thought through and you can live with it. Good luck!

Edited August 24, 2008 by mizzi39

[onzestan]

Go !!!

When my mother past away 30 years ago I was away on a business trip.

Have regretted ever since not having been there to say my goodbyes.

Best of luck

onzestan

[tominchaam]

Sorry to hear your sad news Garro.

Just follow your gut feeling. Rushing home serves no purpose for your father. I'm sure, were he able to express an opinion, your father wouldn't want you turning your life upside down for him. He knows you love him and so there's no need to try and prove or show this by flying half way round the word.

Hope his condition improves mate.

The above makes good sence to me.

[Carib]

Garro,

Seeing someone the "last " time is something we cannot really know.

Is it the last time?

Saying goodbye, didn't you do that the last time you saw your dad?

Sounds harsh, but I mean well. Have been through this some months ago, and there were basically three things which did matter.

What is the use of going if the person is not conscious. ( talking about my mother here )

What did my dad and sister have to say about me coming over or not.

What did I feel, I mean really feel. What was important at that moment, and which of those things had the upper hand for reasons good to me, not to others.

I didn't go, my life has been always on the move, talked to my parents about that long long time ago, and also told them that I would never live in my " home" country again. So there would always be distance between us, and I also sometimes wouldn't even be able to come over if something happened.

The times I did see them, and when I left, we all knew that it could be the last time. In that way, and in that spirit so to speak, I always said goodbye.

They are both in their 80`s

Being confronted with the fact that " the moment" could be there, makes one feel uneasy. But I did stick to what I told them and myself.

My mother didn't die, she woke up after 6 weeks, and after having been in the hospital for over 4 months, she is now home again.

If I had gone over, I would have been waiting for something that didn't happen, and would have had the same problem deciding to maybe go back to where I am now. When should I have done that.. after two weeks? Three? Four ?? .....

This is how I feel about things like this. It is one of the consequences of not living next door.

Wish you strength with your decision.

[onnut]

I tried this 6 or so years ago, get on the next plane mate. your family will be happy for the support as well. your work place will understand. I hope it all works out fine for you and your dad.

[Andrew Hicks]

I am not sure if this is an appropriate topic for a forum, but I'll talk about it anyway. My father is very sick back in my home country and he might not make it. He had complete heart block while out walking and his heart stopped for an unknown amount of time. It is now almost four days and he is still unconcious. They have no idea if his brain is damaged. He is on full life support in ICU. His medical team don't feel too confident about his chances even though my father is only sixty. His consultant was asked if myself and my brother should return quickly, but the counsultant feels that if there is to be recovery then it will be very slow and so there is no need for us to rush back.

I am a nurse and have a good idea about what is going on, but being so far away makes it hard to know what is really happening. It has all happened so fast that I don't really know what I should be doing. It all feels a bit unreal. I have just being going to work as normal. I have decided not to rush back because I have a young son here and responsibilities and don't really see what use I would be to anyone. There is also the financial worries of the trip, and I don't want to let my school down.

I am not looking for any sympathy or lectures, but just wondered what others have done in similar situations. I will likely regret putting such thougts on a general forum, but I am sort of working on autopilot at the moment and I always feel better writing about things than talking about them.

Really very sorry to hear your news, especially as sixty is too young to be struck down like that.

Nobody could or should tell you what to do, but I think you are doing the right thing by not rushing back. You have responsibilities at both ends and you can best discharge both of these by staying put for a bit.

Your Dad's not presently in this world even if you do go back now, but perhaps you could ask yourself what he would say about it if he were. I bet he'd just be really sorry and say he doesn't want to mess up your life more than necessary. You've got to be ready to get on a plane pretty quick though if he comes out of his coma.

I have just had a similar conundrum with a very close relative getting seriously ill in UK. I was under pressure to go straight back, as if I did not have any life or responsibilities here in Thailand. In this case a month or two's delay was not going to make any difference at that end but made it easier for everyone at this end. So I delayed going back but stayed in UK for three months doing what I could, and when I'd done all I could do, headed back here. Even so I had severe criticism from one family member for returning to Thailand at all. People with closed minds will criticise too easily and you may need a thick skin.

I felt that it was only I who knew all the circumstances and so could decide what was right, and you are in exactly the same position.

Choke dee khrap.

Andrew

[macb]

It is a difficult decision for you to make my friend and of course you have support and input from members on the board:

Every Family and emotional situation is dealt with in a different way by every individual:

I am an only son, and I left UK in April 2004 my mother is now 88 yrs old; We discussed my move to Thailand Mum's reply was go my son I have had my life and you still have yours to live.

Last year I could have gone home again I rang my mother, but she did not want me to go, because it would mean another goodbye. The most important thing in life is Memories, memories never fade nor does love for family .

I guess my mother and I are very practical about things and I am closer to her now than when I was in the UK.

I may sound hard and abrasive to other members, I rang my ole mum yesterday she told me been in hospital again son but I am out again and still here the good lord does not want me yet. When she has been sick I have said okay I will come home. She says No You are not a doctor and it will make her feel worse.

Remember a goodbye really means nothing it just means another sad moment to remember, its far better to say see you again soon. Why because even though loved ones pass on they are still there overseeing you.

Whatever decision you make mate I wish you all the best.

[CCCP]

Personally having lost a father, you ought to go home and see him if he is in a bad way. You will always regret it if you don't, but feel much better with yourself now and in the future if you do.

I look after my father with my mother at home while dieing with cancer, and there are still things now i wish i did 18 years on. So go.

Edited August 24, 2008 by CCCP

[grantbkk]

Go to your father's bedside. By posting you dilemma you have answered your own question. If you don't go you will regret it for the rest of your life. I'm sorry you're in this position and good luck to you and your father.

Edited August 24, 2008 by grantbkk

[zorro1]

Garro, you already know what you need to do. Hope your dad makes it

[sierra01]

Go back.

My Mother in Law had cancer and took a turn for the worse. My wife said she wanted to go back so I booked flights that we couldnt afford for 3 days time, she died that night. I promptly changed the flights to leave the next day but not being there has hurt my wife big time.

[sylviex]

Garro, I note you are not asking for advice.

I will simply repeat what another person said to me in the same kind of situation -- it's such a personal decision that nobody should tell you what they think you should do; only you can decide.

You have made your decision. If your Dad's condition improves, perhaps you will want to review it.

All the best in a difficult time.

[Somtamnication]

Go east, young man. If you do not say your good byes, you will always regret it.

except for "east" i second that. go and see him Garro.

Oops, I thought he was Americano. I met him in Phuket a couple of years ago. If he was, then he would head east. Anyway, off topic.

Wherever the heck he is from, he should go back. I wish him and his family comfort.

[garro]

The doctors and nurses have suggested that I go back as soon as possible. I am going to try and do this.

[BEENTHEREDONETHAT]

Garro very sorry to hear about your dad. If your mother is still alive you being with her could make it easier for her.

I agree with the majority it would most likely be best to go see them. Hope he recovers and all ends well.

[Maizefarmer]

Its very much a personal thing - do what you feel is the right thing to do - but I will give you a practical tip: use the oppurtunity to purchase a return ticket here in Thailand - they are about half the price of return tickets purchased in Europe.

Edited August 24, 2008 by Maizefarmer

[desi]

The doctors and nurses have suggested that I go back as soon as possible. I am going to try and do this.

Sorry to hear about your loved one. It's a difficult time to go through. And a difficult decision to make.

Every situation is different, and even the medical people have differing advice. Last year I had a similar experience. By the time the doctors said come, it took too long to get to the UK from Thailand.

[sassienie]

go home ,see him ,it will make other members of your family happier,and you'll know his condition 1st hand...

Easier said, than done.

[Flapman]

I visited my dad after his major surgery and we thought maybe he'd be OK. Then a month or two later he was told "3 to 6 months". So I flew to UK again, and spent some time with him. That was really good timing, as it turned out. I was working overseas, and had to get back. I returned to work, and he soon went down hill pretty rapidly. So I didn't see him again before he passed away. I am glad I went back to see him when I did.

[cymruambyth1]

Nearly 4 years ago I went back home (UK) to see mum at the hospital. She was 79 and very sick with a brain tumour.

I arrived at 10.00am and she died at 6.00pm the same day.

The nurses said she should have died at least a week before I arrived.

Hardened nurses were in tears as they were convinced she had waited for me to get back before she decided to give-in to the horrible disease she had.

Get back mate...stop wasting time on here.