Marriage Counseling At Temple?

[vytnom77]

Hello

I've been raised as a buddhist growing up but have not yet fully understand the beliefs set forth by buddhism.

Here is my question and I'll then explain. At the temple do they do some for of marriage counseling or is it even appropriate to bring up marriage related problems to the monk in hopes they can help counsel the marriage through its problems?

The reason I come here though is that my parents are over 60 now and since my father retired last year there has been nothing but fighting between them. The fighting though is very petty things that go on in their day to day lives. Both are retired with no finanical obligations. Everything is paid off. They have two sons, myself and my brother, from which we are both grown adults living 45 minutes away with our own families. We have discussed with them many times and it seems to solve the problem temporarily only for them to go back into their same old ways. It's really hard to be frank with and we have even tried to have their brothers and sisters visit them. The problem though is that they just put up a front when anybody else is there. I figured my last resort would be to seek the advice of a monk at a temple that we frequent but I'm afraid on whether this is appropriate.

Please help.

[Brucenkhamen]

I don't think celibate people are really qualified to do marriage counselling, actually I think it might be against the Buddhit monks rules to do so.

You could ask though, I'm not sure if there are much in the way of options in Thailand, any option that will get your parents to face up to their problems is probably worth a try.

[vytnom77]

I don't think celibate people are really qualified to do marriage counselling, actually I think it might be against the Buddhit monks rules to do so.

You could ask though, I'm not sure if there are much in the way of options in Thailand, any option that will get your parents to face up to their problems is probably worth a try.

That is what I was thinking but I don't even want to confront a monk without really knowing because if they saw me they would know my family right away. The monks were a good option only because my parents are very religious but seem to get blinded sometimes in their fighting. They would definately follow the instructions and beliefs from a monk more so then they would the family. Especially since it would seem to be less bias coming from a family member.

[rockyysdt]

Most couples have unresolved issues which tend to go unaddressed due to more pressing needs such as child rearing, career and coping with lifes struggles.

With retirement and an empty house, your parents now have plenty of time on their hands to reflect on their incompatibilities which always existed but have taken a back seat. This is common amongst many couples and can lead to infidelity, unhappiness, and divorce.

I think a Buddhist Monk could help your parents by influencing them to follow the Buddhas teachings.

I'd suggest embracing the Buddha's teachings and traveling on a path towards enlightenment, would indirectly solve their marital issues.

Other than that, I don't think the Monk would be of much help regarding specific domestic issues.

[samuibeachcomber]

like all counselling it would only really work if both your father and mother want their problems resolved.I think the monks would be a good idea but before going to them perhaps you should mention this idea to your parents first.

I remember after our thai wedding ceremony,in fact after a 3 day period we were required to go to the temple to be instructed in buddhist ways in how to conduct ourselves towards each other and how to resolve differences when they arose.The advice given,i thought was very good,so i dont see why the monks could not help your parents.The fact that both their sons are concerned about them will show them that their family do care about them and may influence them to make this choice of counselling through the temple(the choice of their faith).good luck.

[sabaijai]

Conflict is a common issue with all people, married or not, and some monks are very good at helping laypeople find ways of dealing with conflict. So it might be worth a try.

Treat each Human friend by thinking that...

He is our friend who was born to be old, become ill, and die, together with us.

He is our friend swimming around in the changing cycles with us.

He is under the power of defilements like us, hence he sometimes errs.

He also has lust, hatred, and delusion, no less than we.

He therefore errs sometimes, like us.

He neither knows why he was born nor knows nirvana, just the same as us.

He is stupid in some things like we used to be.

He does some things accordingly to his own likes, the same as we used to do.

He also wants to be good, as well as we who want even more to be good - outstanding - famous.

He often takes much and much more from others whenever he has a chance, just like us.

He has the right to be madly good, drunkenly good, deludedly good,

and drowning in good, just like us.

He is an ordinary man attached to many things, just like us.

He does not have the duty to suffer or die for us.

He is our friend of the same nation and religion.

He does things impetuously and abruptly just as we do.

He has the duty to be responsible for his own family, not for ours.

He has the right to his own tastes and preferences.

He has the right to choose anything (even a religion) for his own satisfaction.

He has the right to share equally with us the public property.

He has the right to be neurotic or mad as well as we.

He has the right to ask for help and sympathy from us.

He has the right to be forgiven by us according to the circumstances.

He has the right to be socialist or libertarian in accordance with his own disposition.

He has the right to be selfish before thinking of others.

He has the human right, equal to us, to be in this world.

If we think in these ways, no conflicts will occur.

Buddhadasa Indapanno - Mokkhabalarama, Chaiya - 22 May 2531

[khaowong1]

Conflict is a common issue with all people, married or not, and some monks are very good at helping laypeople find ways of dealing with conflict. So it might be worth a try.

Treat each Human friend by thinking that...

He is our friend who was born to be old, become ill, and die, together with us.

He is our friend swimming around in the changing cycles with us.

He is under the power of defilements like us, hence he sometimes errs.

He also has lust, hatred, and delusion, no less than we.

He therefore errs sometimes, like us.

He neither knows why he was born nor knows nirvana, just the same as us.

He is stupid in some things like we used to be.

He does some things accordingly to his own likes, the same as we used to do.

He also wants to be good, as well as we who want even more to be good - outstanding - famous.

He often takes much and much more from others whenever he has a chance, just like us.

He has the right to be madly good, drunkenly good, deludedly good,

and drowning in good, just like us.

He is an ordinary man attached to many things, just like us.

He does not have the duty to suffer or die for us.

He is our friend of the same nation and religion.

He does things impetuously and abruptly just as we do.

He has the duty to be responsible for his own family, not for ours.

He has the right to his own tastes and preferences.

He has the right to choose anything (even a religion) for his own satisfaction.

He has the right to share equally with us the public property.

He has the right to be neurotic or mad as well as we.

He has the right to ask for help and sympathy from us.

He has the right to be forgiven by us according to the circumstances.

He has the right to be socialist or libertarian in accordance with his own disposition.

He has the right to be selfish before thinking of others.

He has the human right, equal to us, to be in this world.

If we think in these ways, no conflicts will occur.

Buddhadasa Indapanno - Mokkhabalarama, Chaiya - 22 May 2531

Ajahn Buddhadasa was one of the most insightful men. And most people shunned him when he was alive and called him a communist. Now they are calling him a saint. Go figure. I read all his books I can get my hands on. I remember one story told about him. The was a World Hunger conference going on in Bangkok, and Luang Por Buddhadasa was asked for his opinion of it. He said, "the attendees are all staying at the $500.00 a night Oriental Hotel, do you really think they understand about World Hunger"?

[khaowong1]

Here's my take on marriage counseling or any other kind of counseling at the Wat. Buddhist monks, unlike Christian ministers or Catholic priests or Jewish Rabbi's, generally don't feel qualified to give counseling. A large majority of monks, don't have the education or the knowledge to give competant counseling. If anything, they will give you the Lord Buddha's teaching on various subjects. Most monks are monks because they are basically counseling themselves. So to speak. They are following in the Lord Buddha's footsteps and trying to rid themselves of their own shortcomings. The majority of senior monks I have met, have never been married, never drank, never took drugs, never had sexual intercourse. They can not councel you about something they have never experienced. And they won't. The Buddhist monks I have had contact with, and I have had contact with a lot of Buddhist monks, would rather teach you about the 4 noble truths and the noble 8 fold path. All the answers to all the questions about marriage, drugs, infidelity, etc. are in these teachings. Maybe if you went to a temple, like say Wat Mahathat, where the monks there have much more education, maybe you would get the counceling you are looking for. But at the local temples out in the countryside, doubtful. Anyway, that's just my take on the situation. I could be wrong.