britmaveric Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 The replacement is 40 odd herself - hmmm doesnt sound like a usual mid life crisis - normally that involves a young 18yr old type. Well probably not smth you want to hear, but I might add their are many successful thai/farang relationships where the thai was a former bar girl or bar boy. I'm sure you are hoping it all goes pear shape for him, but this is another situation that you must prepare for as a possible outcome. The kids and looking after yourself is your main concern - so concentrate on this would be my best advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lix Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Pattaya? Family holiday? Is this thread for real? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F1fanatic Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 The replacement is 40 odd herself - hmmm doesnt sound like a usual mid life crisis - normally that involves a young 18yr old type. Well probably not smth you want to hear, but I might add their are many successful thai/farang relationships where the thai was a former bar girl or bar boy. I'm sure you are hoping it all goes pear shape for him, but this is another situation that you must prepare for as a possible outcome. The kids and looking after yourself is your main concern - so concentrate on this would be my best advice. You obviously misunderstand a mid-life crisis for a 'respectable' man. A young (18 year old type) would be too obvious! He goes for someone his friends might possibly (he hopes) understand. It's so obvious it's embarrassing. (Unless he's so wealthy and insensetive he really doesn't care!) Anyway, it's irrelevent, once he's in that frame of mind he's not about to change. Let him live his (short) fantasy before he realises that he's got nothing in common with her and can't even communicate. Meanwhile, find a better life for yourself. Women are FAR better at moving on (but it takes time) and forming GOOD relationships after a break-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
submaniac Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Hello time to get even. Well, it looks like you've got yourself sorted out, and know what to do. I just wanted to add as a consolation, lest you feel bad or insecure that you weren't 'good enough' to keep his attention, that it isn't you. Keep in mind that Bargirls' jobs are to make men feel special. That's all they do, and they practice practice practice. So when he's saying that he feels these feelings for her, it is because she is a pro at making a man feel wanted...and not because you are in any way inadequate. Also keep in mind that not only is it the 'romance' of a new relationship, but the 'romance' of Thailand, and the way people feel when they are there. I mean he's in a tropical foreign country, where the weather is warm and sunny, the beach is nearby, everything is cheap, and he gets plenty of female attention. That's got to distort a man's perception of reality. Reality sets in once he's been here a while and realizes not everything is a bed of roses. This bargirl WILL get sick of him (imagine how many men she gets exposed to), and when he realizes that Pattaya is not that great (it isn't--you should see the rest of Thailand), this new fascination will wear off. Just go on with your life, and find yourself a younger, better man. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patsycat Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 My friends here knw that i like music especially late at night - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LazarusLong Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 But he's told me he still has feelings for me, but he loves her! he doesnt love her , but he probably loves the way he feels when having sex with her , these girls can make a man feel very wanted indeed , but when the novelty wears off , he will run from her. perhaps if you are still in love with him you might consider the true meaning of love , which is to take happiness from seeing your partners happiness , and rather than feeling anger at what you see as a betrayal , rather than trying to keep him in a cage that at this time he feels like escaping from , allow him his happiness and his freedom at this time of his life in a selfless manner. allow him his fling , wait for his return...... Well, I thought I better add my 2 cent, for whatever it's worth: It's admirable how all of you take the "morally sound" position. However, don't be too quick in your judgment, and especially avoid the trap of thinking of the girl as "Just a bargirl". I've met a few and whilst most of them would fit one's idea about "that type of woman" not all do, two of my friends are very happily married to ex-bargirls (another, though, lost sense and all retirement savings). I myself had been married for 9 years when business brought me to Thailand for the first time 12 years ago. Been bored in my marriage I did what many do, and I must say that I had a really good time getting around (sorry folks....). In the end I divorced my wife and married a Thai girl (NOT a bar girl) half my age three years ago and there's not been a single day I had to regret it. She's faithful, commited, smart and a good companion - much more than just what one might assume. My Ex-wife gave me hel_l on earth during the divorce although I was entirely fair (besides cheating on her initially). So what ? Sometimes people gotta move on with their life. This is not the first nor will it be the last case of someone loosing his heart to Thailand and Thai girls. Best advice I can give is sort out your finances and move on. You may get back his mind, but not his soul... as one will always remember those humid nights in Khrung Them where nothing else seemed to matter but the body sweat, no matter how that ended. ........ and then take him to the cleaners ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desi Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) Anyway, since I sarted this, things have happened. I'm still no clearer as to where the path I travel will take me, but It's a journey that i've started. I don't suppose it will be smooth! Since moving to Thailand, I've met a number of women who are here due to a midlife crisis. And not just the husband's. When I first arrived, there was even a women's group set up to share experiences and advice (they advertised on BNOW). Although I wasn't a part of the group, one of my very dear friends was. If it's a midlife crisis, then no, it won't be smooth. But since you've decided your marriage is over, you'll miss most of the pain possible from the coming disaster. A midlife crisis can last 8 or more years (I believe). During that time, the guy will rewrite your history together in such a way you won't recognise anything. The pain can be huge when your memories of the first time you met, why you got married, the honeymoon and even the birth of your children are tainted by this rewriting of history. Emotional cruelty taken to a new level. And although you've decided to call the marriage quits, you still need to understand why this happened and what you can do for yourself. There are decent books out there on the subject (again, google). During a soon-to-be-divorced friends recent 'restructuring' of their property, I was gifted with several boxes of books. Surviving Male Menopause. A Guide for Women and Men was amongst the lot. I only skimmed the beginning pages but it reads pretty decent (as does the amazon.com reviews). Even though you are divorcing, get him to read that book or similar. This one doesn't just go through what's happening to him, it also helps with medical advice (all guys should read that part!) Also invaluable are support forums. Google 'male menopause' or 'midlife crisis'. Surviving the Midlife Crisis looks interesting. It would be great if one of the women from that group would come up and give advice... My heart goes out to you. Good luck. Edited February 1, 2009 by desi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wensiensheng Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I guess this conversation is about petering out. Having read most posts, some closing comments from me: 1. The post from Mansion guy or whatever his name was, is useful in so far as it shows how completely and utterly crazy men can get when they get hooked by a bar girl. I'm not sure that it was what his post was meant to show (it was too rambling to be sure) but it certainly did show it to me. The relevance for the OP I think, is that she should not expect rational behaviour from her husband for some time yet. 2. The husbands feelings for the Bg are enhanced 100 times because they are apart. Once together, in all liklihood it's down hill, but for now, the romance of it all has him dreaming. 3. The OP now says that she and her husband agree their marriage is over. As I said in my previous post, now things feel pretty bad to her. Give it 2/3 years and she will regret her failed marriage, but realise that it's just one of those things that can happen and there is still a lot more life to live...and it can be better than before! I can't say with the same confidence that her husband will find things better than they were before. He doesn't understand even 1% of what he has got himself into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OurManinSamui2008 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Just one thought when I came here, they are lovely people and as the previous posts have said, its only her job .. I was told about this kind of action on my learning curve here 6 years ago, the saying goes "you can take the girl out of the bar, but you can never take the bar out of the girl" I know there are exceptions to this "sayinG", but it says things which your hubby may take on board, lets hope hey..... "Choc Di" Good Luck O M IN S 2008 HiMany thanks to all of you for your postings, it's also good to get a male perspective of things too. The Condo was supposed to be for our retirement. I just don't want the girl getting her hands on a penny, I have to protect my kids. I'm in a place where does head or heart win? So confused. Once again, many thanks to you all. Regards Time to get even Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 My mom's best advice to me, "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger" The OP is clearly not going to die so she can look at this as a learning experience for herself (and hopefully, someday, her exhusband as well) and a chance to move to something better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desi Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 My mom's best advice to me, "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"The OP is clearly not going to die so she can look at this as a learning experience for herself (and hopefully, someday, her exhusband as well) and a chance to move to something better. Or 'what does or doesn't kill him, will only make you stronger?' ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 My mom's best advice to me, "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"The OP is clearly not going to die so she can look at this as a learning experience for herself (and hopefully, someday, her exhusband as well) and a chance to move to something better. Or 'what does or doesn't kill him, will only make you stronger?' ;-) Naah, who cares whats happened to him? He's made his own mess, let him deal with it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sabaijai Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Some observers of the human condition suggest the so-called male midlife crisis is biologically programmed by evolution to send males out in search of females of child-bearing age as their earlier partners approach age-related infertility. Humans are biologically programmed for all kinds of behaviours, including aggression, that are viewed as less than acceptable in modern civil society, behaviours that are overcome by custom (eg marriage), conditioning ('it's a sin') or self reflection ('this is stupid behavior'). My advice to men facing similar situations, whether they involve Thai bargirls or your young secretary in London, is to ask yourself, 'Who's in charge? Me or evolution?' My advice to women: Sometimes evolution wins; be prepared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaiWai Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 My advice to all and sundry is that "evolutionary biology" is an overly-simple and self-justifying field. Clearly, the male response on these Thai forums is heavily biased towards a certain percentage of the population. Believe it or not, the world has moved on. Smart men elsewhere and on the whole get off on smart men/women who do not need to need to tell internet forums how "attractive" they are. That's always such a turn-off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 That's got to distort a man's perception of reality. And it is refreshing to hear a man on this forum whose is not deluded. My advice to men facing similar situations, whether they involve Thai bargirls or your young secretary in London, is to ask yourself, 'Who's in charge? Me or evolution?' My advice to women: Sometimes evolution wins; be prepared. Right - the old male biology argument. The problem with that argument is that regression is not evolution, but getting better and stronger is. My advice to women is to be more than prepared - be fabulous. We are frickin' sex bombs, and it gets better with age for us for a long time, if you take care of yourself and truly evolve, physically, mentally, and spiritually, in a way that is only female. Take good care of yourself Time to get even, and you will, exactly when you couldn't care less anymore. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) I don't know about you, but I would have a really hard time taking back a partner who has done what he has. It's not just about the sex. It's about the fact that he says he loves her. Sex is one thing, and a man can have it without love. However, if my GF/wife/partner said that she was im love with someone else, I don't know how I could stand to be with her. The reality of the situation is this bargirl has no/or very little feelings for him. This forum is full of stories about how relationships with bargirls goes South, and how a farang ends up alone and with a lighter pocketbook. I say let him go. It may be hard for you to do so, but it will bring the point home. If you try and cage him, he will only have ideas about trying to get out. Let him go. Let him see the reality of the situation. Once he gets to Thailand, this bargirl will get sick of him. Let me guess, he is an overweight middle-aged man right? Receding hairline maybe? The bargirls go for this type of guy for the money. But she probably has a young, good looking Thai boyfriend. It will not last. Once he gets dumped by the Bargirl, or duped out of money, he will be alone. And he will realize that the girls are not after him because of his stunning good looks and charm. He will realize what a mistake he made and come back to you. For god's sake - get out now! He's going through a mid-life crisis that will take years to resolve. Of course, many men go through mid-life crises, but they know better than to risk everything for a Thai woman! He is not about to change. Whatever happens DO NOT bring any money here, you can lose everything v easily and quickly! why are these constant racist remarks from f1finatic against thai women always allowed to stand on here? Surely it should of said...........but they know better than to risk everything for ANOTHER woman! Edited February 1, 2009 by BygonKeaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Skippy, while I agree with you that it is unfair to tar all Thai women with the golddigger brush, I don't think anyone is in this instance. The OP has clearly stated that her husband has fallen for a bar girl whom he is aware is only interested in him for his money. I think its pretty clear to anyone who has ever spent any time in Thailand that there is a certain type of women prevalent in the bar industry who is this way. I don't think anyone is suggesting that all Thai women are this way and think that perhaps you are being overly sensitive. As for your friend, well, I think its a tad insensitive to compare this case with your friend who was divorced from his wife after 20 years. 20 years of marriage does not a golddigger make. And I suspect that if it turned out the OP "cleaned her husband out" despite the fact that he wants to invest their savings and their kids future in Thailand with his "girlfriend" there are some who would choose to make the same comparison you just did For two people to have an ugly divorce is an entirely different thing from a man who has not only cheated on his wife but could very likely blow his children's future on someone he already knows cares nothing about him. I didnt think we could talk about bargirls on here? Now even a moderator is doing it? or is there different rules in the ladies forum?? george???????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Look after myself, Thanks for the tip but I am married to a local Thai man from a very good family. He would not touch a bargirl with a ten-foot barge pole. As for the other golddiggers out there, I am sure that some might be attractive and more appropriate but since he spends about 80% of his waking hours out fishing in his boat I doubt he'd ever notice them. Thats what i used to say to my missus when i was off somewehere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 So from reading and wasting 1 hour of my life on this thread has gone from a guy cheating on his wife and the wife needing advice to a thread about how untrustworthy bargirls are in thailand?? Am i missing something? If your gonna break the rules at least me clever about it!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) "Thats what i used to say to my missus when i was off somewehere else." Well isn't she a lucky camper. Why don't you go elsewhere then, and bless us all. Edited February 1, 2009 by kat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 That's got to distort a man's perception of reality. And it is refreshing to hear a man on this forum whose is not deluded. My advice to men facing similar situations, whether they involve Thai bargirls or your young secretary in London, is to ask yourself, 'Who's in charge? Me or evolution?' My advice to women: Sometimes evolution wins; be prepared. Right - the old male biology argument. The problem with that argument is that regression is not evolution, but getting better and stronger is. My advice to women is to be more than prepared - be fabulous. We are frickin' sex bombs, and it gets better with age for us for a long time, if you take care of yourself and truly evolve, physically, mentally, and spiritually, in a way that is only female. Take good care of yourself Time to get even, and you will, exactly when you couldn't care less anymore. All the best. Sorry kat but your talking rubbish. men nor women evolve for the better with age. Nice words dont solve problems unless your stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OxfordWill Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) unfortunately the situation your husband is in will take someone, depending on the individual, between 1 to 10 years to "wake up" from. Rest assured the chances are high that he will eventually (normally due to massive damage being done to that individual) - but do you have the will to wait? And what damage might it do you and your children during that waiting? If you have the opportunity to, you might try to fight his misunderstanding of his situation with something equally (or near equally) as powerful as that misunderstanding. This is a short list: Money (he will lose much of what he has collected if he doesnt "wake up" sooner) Children (he will lose his children of affection of his children if he doesnt "wake up" sooner) It would have to be something personally harmful to his life to achieve any success. ---- As an aside, I was very lucky in that, as a male, I went through "jasmin fever" or "yellow fever" or whatever we might call it, at the age of 18 - 21. During this time I had very little to lose or damage, and as such did not lose much nor damage anyone (much, although I wasted alot of well meaning peoples time, my own meagre savings, hampered my career progress, embarassed myself and my family and hurt feelings all over the place). At the age of 22, I continued to visit and eventually live in Thailand, but I felt like I had a new set of eyeballs, no longer "infected" with this "fever". God knows what I would have done, who I might have hurt and what I might have lost had I not visited this place until I was 40 and married, kids, etc, like your husband. It should be mentioned this is not Thailand's fault. Any person from one culture going into another which had these characteristics would be at risk of the same problem. Its our western arrogance and the ease with which we can fly half way around the world that we think "everyone and everywhere is, at core, basically like it is back home" - wrong. And its not true that this means your husband is a bad man, which is where I would argue with many posters here. And I've seen so many go through this "phase", some at the same age I did (luckily for them) and many more who by chance did not visit until later in life. The reason why this "phase" happens to basically every man who visits can be speculated on, but its not just free easy charming women. Its free easy charming women mixed with a person-culture (how people talk, act, speak) so similar to western on the outside but so completely different on the inside that one thinks one understands people, can trust ones judgment of people, but one cannot until one has learned this new culture (or at least the basics of it). This process can take, as I said, 1 to 10 years. Sometimes more. ---- Edited February 1, 2009 by OxfordWill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 yes there are special rules for the ladies forum. But FYI, using the word or mentioning bar girl is not the same as discussing them. And if you haven't seen the numerous threads in other parts of this forum also mentioning bargirls then you haven't looked very hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Sorry kat but your talking rubbish. men nor women evolve for the better with age. Nice words dont solve problems unless your stupid. As I was saying, there is a difference between regression and evolution, but neither stays exactly the same. Since you highlighted the physical, I will supply you with examples of those who have mastered physical evolution: http://www.cbass.com/60PEAK.HTM http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/03/fashion/03Fitness.html http://www.sherdog.net/forums/f48/86-yr-ol...builder-579631/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Ah yes, BygonKeaw. I do recognize you No worries, unless my husband manages to buy all the fish he "catches" with money he doesn't take with him and come back darker than he was before he went, then yes, he is indeed fishing. I am not concerned about him and bar girls, most Thai men of a middle or upper class background don't give them a second look. And as for your sudden concern with forum rules, don't stress yourself out too much as to how they are followed in this forum please, as you most certainly have not managed to stress yourself about the rules elsewhere, have you? As for the evolution theory, well, nice thought, but if men can't get past that excuse then they don't deserve an intelligent and thinking woman. I believe we are most certainly well past cave man days and men, by now, really should be able to use their big brains more effectively, I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Ah yes, BygonKeaw. I do recognize you No worries, unless my husband manages to buy all the fish he "catches" with money he doesn't take with him and come back darker than he was before he went, then yes, he is indeed fishing. I am not concerned about him and bar girls, most Thai men of a middle or upper class background don't give them a second look. And as for your sudden concern with forum rules, don't stress yourself out too much as to how they are followed in this forum please, as you most certainly have not managed to stress yourself about the rules elsewhere, have you? As for the evolution theory, well, nice thought, but if men can't get past that excuse then they don't deserve an intelligent and thinking woman. I believe we are most certainly well past cave man days and men, by now, really should be able to use their big brains more effectively, I think. Doesnt he have a atm card? Also i thought middle/upper class like to have a fair complexion? Maybe he has been to the beach with..........ermmm nothing. Just kidding Ok lets leave it at your right and im wrong about my thoughts. I think that best. I cant win anyhow can i? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 No, you can't win. See you know nothing about me or my husband so your guesses really are ludicrous Don't stress yourself on my account, I am more than capable of telling if my husband is cheating on me or fishing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BygonKeaw Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 No, you can't win. See you know nothing about me or my husband so your guesses really are ludicrous Don't stress yourself on my account, I am more than capable of telling if my husband is cheating on me or fishing. I didnt mean win about that, i meant about an argument on here. your a mod remember and you can manipulate things and provoke me then if i say the wrong thing.........lol all i can say though 8 hours on a boat most days is a long time, Ps you have broken the rules again and this is conversation is off topic, hahaha looks like i won that one. heheh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 The last bastion of the pathetic man is to accuse another man of being exactly the same as himself. As for your interpretation of the rules, Bygon, might I suggest you not only re-read the rules of this forum but those of the ThaiVisa forum in general? You might learn something. Please do take your trolling elsewhere, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NALAK Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 yes there are special rules for the ladies forum. thats why Patsy gets away with putting pictures of naked guys on the forum, like to how long pictures of naked Thai girls would last on any furom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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