Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Axel]

Great cutting in a 2004-Sydney Morning Herald re a crocodile attack in Queensland from which two people are in serious condition in hospital

The quote is from Lawrence Springborg, Tourism Minister of Queensland, upon being asked if he felt he attack would affect tourism.

"It's very hard to say how many tourists will be deterred", Mr. Sprongborg said, "But certainly when you're lying sleeping in your tent and a crocodile pulls you out and tries to eat you, that's going to deter the more weak-hearted tourists...."

Brilliant understatement.

[Artisi]

A few words for the computor challenged people umongst us

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough

--

[Jai Dee]

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

Why do I find myself relating to that?

[stumonster]

Study maps nation's wellbeing

February 13, 2006

THE saddest Australians live in the heart of the country's richest and most expensive city, while the happiest voters live in a poor rural electorate in Queensland, a map of the nation's wellbeing shows.

The Deakin University study found the electorate of Wide Bay, one of the most disadvantaged areas in Australia, contains the happiest people, while the saddest citizens are those living in the seat of Sydney, The Australian newspaper reports.

The study examined people's wellbeing by considering standard of living, health, achievement in life, personal relationships, sense of safety, connection to the community and future security.

Eight of the top nine happiest electorates were poor and isolated rural communities, while all of the saddest seats were metropolitan or outer metropolitan seats.

Sydney MP Tanya Plibersek said she was "sad" but not surprised to learn her electorate contained the unhappiest voters in Australia, and believed it was because the seat was "full of extremes".

Wide Bay MP Warren Truss said the study's findings proved "you don't need to be rich to be happy".

Overall, Victoria was the happiest state and Western Australia the saddest, the paper reported.

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/commo...55E1702,00.html

maybe the results for the sandgroper state just reflects the amount of whinging poms that live there ....... ...

[gburns57au]

Obviously an Eastern states study........

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Obviously an Eastern states study........

South of the Tweed too

[BambinA]

Australus. =roo meat .. funky name from yank

aussies are not bad.. just .. just .. just .........yank win

Edited February 16, 2006 by BambinA

[chuchok]

YOU HAVE ALL HEARD OF THE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL AS SEEN ON TV

WE NOW PRESENT YOU WITH THE NEW AND IMPROVED ANTHONY MUNDINE GRILL

AVAILABLE AT KMART, COLES, SAFEWAY, TARGET

Edited February 17, 2006 by chuchok

[stumonster]

in the interests of keeping Australia's swimming team at the forefront of world competition some photo's were released today of the latest swimming champ to emerge from the greatest sporting nation on the planet.

introducing kang a. roo ....

[Jai Dee]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv't to cut off 't yer balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bast*rds wanted to take my test tuckets off me!"

[Jai Dee]

The Australian Army - A Letter Sent Home

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Jai Dee]

The Shane Warne Song

Warning: Strong Language

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The Shane Warne Song

Warning: Strong Language

Ya gotta hand it to ole Kev eh ?

[Bung]

kevinbloodywilson.com

Ripper tune boris!

[Jai Dee]

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His Missus lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, <deleted>."

The Kiwi replies: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[udon]

LOL I love it!

[Jai Dee]

This new Australian flag is being sent to certain Middle East and South Asian countries where people have aspirations of becoming New Australians...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

This new Australian flag is being sent to certain Middle East and South Asian countries where people have aspirations of becoming New Australians...

[coldcrush]

Your just so British....

lets start a ST. George Room....tomorrow!!! Bloody ozzys....marvellous people!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Good upon ya Lop

[coldcrush]

marvellous people!

yes thats what I meant to say...lol x

[khall64au]

Young Aussie humour!

[Old Croc]

Love it!

[Jai Dee]

Young Aussie humour!

That is an absolute classic!!!

Priceless!!!

[Artisi]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a New Zealander were sitting in a

bar in Auckland

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Kiwi "Back home there's the local bar.

The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Kiwi’s claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitteds the Kiwi. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Jai Dee]

The Australian Hotels Organisation has just announced that the popular drink previously known as the 'C*cksucking Cowboy' will now be known as the 'Heath Ledger'.

[tuky]

I was told a long time ago by my primary school teacher that when Curtin Uni in Perth was setting up shop, they ordered all their promotional flyers, letterheads, signage etc and when it was delivered they realised they had made a big mistake.

They realised they had to change the name to Curtin University of Technology instead of the original Curtin University of New Technology.

Myth?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I was told a long time ago by my primary school teacher that when Curtin Uni in Perth was setting up shop, they ordered all their promotional flyers, letterheads, signage etc and when it was delivered they realised they had made a big mistake.

They realised they had to change the name to Curtin University of Technology instead of the original Curtin University of New Technology.

Myth?

Good story anyhow I hope that it is true