Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[khall64au]

A real estate agent is getting out of his brand new Porsche when suddenly a truck screams past and rips the door off.

The agent is hysterical and can’t believe what’s happened. When the police arrive, one of the officers says to the agent: “You agents are all so materialistic.”

“Why would you say something like that at a time like this,” asks the agent.

“Well, because you don’t even realise that your whole arm has been ripped off in the accident, all you’re worried about is your car.”

The agent looks and screams in horror… “Oh no, my Rolex!”

[sceadugenga]

A real estate agent is getting out of his brand new Porsche when suddenly a truck screams past and rips the door off.

The agent is hysterical and can’t believe what’s happened. When the police arrive, one of the officers says to the agent: “You agents are all so materialistic.”

“Why would you say something like that at a time like this,” asks the agent.

“Well, because you don’t even realise that your whole arm has been ripped off in the accident, all you’re worried about is your car.”

The agent looks and screams in horror… “Oh no, my Rolex!”

Don't tell me, you're a lawyer aren't you?

[Jai Dee]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be. That is the question," asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off"

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard," said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we arso do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I wir be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay," said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F#^*ing Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Pauline Hanson!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!!!"

[stumonster]

little johnny's culture -

The Builder lyrics

Verse

School holidays were draggin' on

He was gettin' really bored

And his Mum had started poppin' pills

She was climbin' up the walls

So when he asked her could he go across

The buildin' site and play

She just popped another pill 'n' just said

"Don't get in the way"

So he chucked his little toolbox

In his billycart 'n' left

While his Mum knocked up a cuppa

Laced with valium and Bex

She needed all the help she could

To cope with holidays

But the pills and powders weren't enough

When he got home from play ... 'n' said ...

Chorus

I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up ... eh, Mum

And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ######

A bricky or a chippy, eh Mum, I don't give a ######

I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

Verse

It seemed the sawn-off shit

Had listened to the builders while they worked

And he'd remembered everything --

Word for ######in' word!

And his shell-shocked Mum just sat there

As he went on to explain

How "some ###### lost the ######in' plans

Then found the ###### again!"

And how "some <deleted> missed the ######in' nail

And hit his ######in' thumb!"

And how "they shaved a mickey whisker

Off the door to close the ######!"

And his voice was so excited

Best fun he'd ever had!

"And can I go back tomorrow, Mum?

Can't wait till I tell Dad, how ...

Chorus

I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ######

A bricky or a chippy, really, I don't give a ######

I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

Verse

His Mum was scoffin' scotch and serepax

And propped against the fridge

And when his Dad got home she dribbled

"Tell your father what you said"

So the young bloke give his Dad a serve

The air was turnin' blue

"###### the weather, ###### the foreman

'N' ###### the unions, too!"

His old man turned ######in' purple

'N' his whole body started to twitch

Until finally he exploded

"Go and get a switch!"

But the young bloke shook his head

'N' said, "No way, mate, I've knocked off

Anyway, you c'n go 'n' get rooted

Cause that's a ######in' electrician's job!"

Chorus

Cause I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ######

A bricky or a chippy, not a sparky, go get ######ed

I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

Yeah, I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ######

A bricky or a chippy, you cranky bastard, go get ######ed

I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

Yeah, I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ######

A bricky or a chippy, you're not me foreman, go get ######ed

I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up

[peter991]

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Peter

[Jai Dee]

Alternative Citizenship Test

LANGUAGE

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a mole?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ... You're going home in the back of a ... c) Fair suck of the ...

3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?

5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?

6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

3. Who would you like to crack on to?

4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

The people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock and cheat.

[Jai Dee]

Why so many South Africans move to Australia

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia.

He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed.

"We'd never get away with that at home!"

[LeungKen]

Hi Jai Dee I think you forgot this one;AN Aukland University class was told they had to write a short story in as few words aspossible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following threethings:(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class. "Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

[LeungKen]

and A New Zealand woman on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree."Oh, marvellous and ancient oak," she enthused, "if you could only speak,what would you want to say to me?"A woman standing nearby commented, "It probably would say, "Pardon me,madam, I am an elm."

[LeungKen]

The Ashes Q. What is the height of optimism?A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?A. An all rounder. Q. What is the main function of the England coach?A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground. Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?A. Three runs in three balls. Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?A. Because they never catch anything. Q. What's the English version of LBW?A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped. Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?A. A bowler. Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?A. Another Sad Horrific English Series. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will comefrom.

[LeungKen]

Only an Australian man can make you feel like a woman A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse, when suddenly one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely! She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! “Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman ?" For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman.Then an Aussie stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.Muscles rippled across his chest. Then, he spoke..."Iron me <deleted>’ shirt and get us a beer luv !!

[LeungKen]

Finally, somebody has cleared this up ... For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage orreligion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed thetrue story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On herwedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has wona convenience store, a service station, a doughnut shop or a motel inAustralia. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephonesgiving technical advice.

[LeungKen]

"On A Qantas Flight"

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn' t moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[LeungKen]

OZWORDS COMPETITION

The following were results for an Ozwords competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word,

alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

Flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

Mateshit: all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.

Shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

Bushwonker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

Crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Technicolour lawn: the front yard after a good rage.

Edited October 11, 2007 by Jai Dee
Font type adjusted for better readability.

[Jai Dee]

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

I'll have to tell me old Kiwi mate Chuchok this one...

[Jai Dee]

[Momo8]

Australian Government

Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.

A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.

c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.

True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean

a) "Yes and no"

"Maybe"

c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours

Alf from Home & Away

c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection

d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice

As often as necessary to cook

c) After each stubby

d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate's place

Drinking beer at the beach

c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy

d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger

Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items

Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain

c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear

Casual footwear

c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?

a) 1993

1997

c) 2001

d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider

Great White Shark

c) Victorian Police Officer

d) King Brown Snake

e) Your missus after a big night

f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting

Don Bradman

c) John Howard

d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket's on

When the cricket's on

c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo

A kind of Australian "wedgie"

c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score ………….

For Office use only.

ٱ In

ٱ Out

ٱ Can have another crack at it

3

Edited October 11, 2007 by Momo8

[TopChinese]

Er.. what are the correct answers? I can't wait to move to Oz for real beer.

[Pink Mist]

Er.. what are the correct answers? I can't wait to move to Oz for real beer.

wise choice

[LeungKen]

Our Glorious LeaderA Public Servant, on his way home from work

through Canberra traffic came to a dead halt

and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,

So he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed,

so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening

to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.

He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq,

or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda,

or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends.

So we're taking up a collection for him."

The Public Servant asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies,

"About 20 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

[Momo8]

Check this out on http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=45c_1191243691 about the Aussie Citizenship test.

[Sarge]

have you always wondered if English (as we know it) is spoken in Aussie-Land? wonder no more, here's a tongue in cheek guide to Aussie-spik

English: "I'm very busy"

Ozzie: "I'm one armed drummer with crabs"

E "my hotel room is very untidy"

O "me joint's a dog's breakfast"

E "I'm quite hungry"

O "I could eat a horse and chase the jockey"

E "I will be departing now"

O "I'm off like a bucket of prawns in the sun

E "someone stole my bicycle"

O "someone taxed my windsplitter"

E "I don't feel welcome here"

O "I'm a pork chop in a Synagogue"

E "It's 5pm"

O "beer o'clock"

E "it will be all right"

O "she'll be apples"

E "that is certainly true"

O "bloody oath!"

E "someone from Queensland state"

O "banana bender"

E "to have an accident"

O "come a gutser"

E "to drink alone"

O "drink with the flies"

E "to get very upset at something"

O "spit the dummy"

E "exclamation of wonder / disbelief"

O "fair suck of the sav!"

E "vomit"

O "liquid laugh"

E "the English are our masters"

O "pommie bastards"

dontcha lub when aussies go abroad and wanna teach their brand of English to unsuspecting, hapless students? almost as comical as Koreans studying English in Cebu City, Philippines, I kid you not btw beer is ok I guess, mostly low-ish alcohol (by European standards), however there are some gems out here, notably Coopers vintage ale 7.5% and Southwark old stout 7.40%

Edited October 11, 2007 by Sarge

[Sarge]

REVEALED .... wallaby players in the shower room after the morale crushing defeat against England

[peter991]

A bit of background ... Ben Cousins, Brownlow Medal winner (Fairest & Best) and former Captain of the West Coast Eagles (AFL team) is in a bit of doggy-doo at the moment ... when he was arrested, his chest was bare and he was sporting a large tattoo ...

It doesn't take long does it….

Ode to Benny

Benny's in the poo again

He's got himself arrested

But not for indecent exposure

Although he was bare-chested

Give us a sample of your blood young Ben

He heard the coppers say

But Benny flatly refused to comply

His answer was "No Way"

So they searched the car from top to bottom

Until they found the loot

They cuffed our Benny on the spot

And chucked him in the boot

The Eagles have to sack him now

They have no other choice

They have to get together

And speak with one loud voice

The trouble with these heroes is

They get paid too much money

With so much time to spend it

They flush it down the dunny

Juddys gone to Carlton now

And Wooden has retired

Chickys not on contract

And Benny "you are fired"

But alls not lost, do not despair

You'll have to face your 'Mockers'

You've done the crime, now do your time

And come and join the Dockers

Peter

BC01.bmp

BC02.bmp

bc04.bmp

[Jai Dee]

The koala and the little lizard

Koala_1.pdf

[peter991]

It didn't take long for these to surface:

Peter

[Chris Lawrence]

Message from a hard working Aussie

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, as I work on a mine site on a Kalgoorlie (WA) construction project, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a Centerlink Payment because I have to pass one to earn it for them??

Please understand - I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their backsides drinking grog & smoking dope.

Could you imagine how much money the Government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a Centerlink Payment ?????

Hope you all will pass it along though, because something has to change in this country, and soon!

[Chris Lawrence]

A New Zealand sheepfarmer has finally been acknowledged as the original author of a song which the Rolling Stones, in their early years, picked up , changed a couple of words around and made into a huge hit. It was originally a rural folk song of passion and betrayal titled 'Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe"

[Naam]

"Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe"

good one!

[ThaiPauly]

AussieToiletPaperAd.wmv