Unexpected Pregnancy...

[Pistolbelt]

Hi,

Well, My gf has just returned to thailand after three months here, during which time we got engaged. Just before she left we strongly suspected that she was pregnant, a test here came back negative, but she has since tested agian and it was positive. She was showing so many signs we are 100% certain.

Anyway, This is quite a shock to both of us, as we are not ready to have chilren yet, and whilst we were over here we discussed abortion and agreed this was the way to go. We both felt that our relationship and living arrangements were not solid enough to have a child.

So, she is now back in thailand and last night called me to say she wants to finish with me, keep the baby, go back to school, and move to live with family in Europe. She says she just wants to look after the child on her own. She was very emotional, crying, telling me that she loved me and misses me and needs to be with me, but cannot bear to spend the next 6 weeks apart (she has to spend 6weeks in thailand before I visit and the plan was to bring her backover for a year). She is mainly complaining that she has no money and cannot spend how she used to...unfortunately my car has just blown up and needs serious repairs, rendering me pennyless for a few weeks.

Now, firstly I am shit scared of becoming a dad, but as we are engaged, I still plan to marry her. I think her hormones are playing a big part in this, and she is confused, scared, feeling alone etc. She says she just wants things to be back to how they were before.

Any advice to help smooth this out???

[teacup]

sigh......if you're scared to become a papi,....why in the world didn't you use any protection?

[PhilHarries]

Well it looks like you've both got a stark tough decision to make as she seems set against abortion

Either she gives up her life in Thailand and moves in with you (you don't say where but I guess the US). But as you say your blown up car has left you penniless it doesn't seem like you are in much of a position to support a family.

or

You give up all you have and move in with her in Thailand and try and figure out what you are going to do for money. What qualifications do you have that would enable you to support her and your baby in Thailand?

But if you are looking for magic fixes I don't think you are going to find any anywhere.

[Pistolbelt]

Thanks for at least one constructive response.

Firstly, we were using protection...looks like a few got through though!

I am not looking for any magic fixes. We are taking this situation seriously, and weighing our options. I am in a position to support a family, I have a great job in a market which is still prospering (not US, WA oz if that gives you a clue) and a masters degree, I am only short of money temporarily due to a large payment to fix the car (Cam-belt broke), compounded by recent spending on essential things.

The main reason we are considering abortion was because of our visa situations. I am not a permanant res and therefore are unable to sponser her for a spouse or fiance visa, meaning the only way to go would be a 12month multiple entry 676 which would not be great for a pregnant woman. It also means it woul dbe difficult to spend the birth and first few months together. Also, we both feel that our relationship is not at a point when we are ready to have children. Even though we are engaged, we are not planning to get married for at least another 12 months.

She is not dead set against abortion, but still making up her mind. She realises the pros and cons of both routes, and we have discussed each at length.

From the conversations we have had last night and today, we are still looking at both options. I have a stable job here, however it is possible for me to find work relatively easily that would enable me to live part time in Thailand. She is adamant that she want to live outside of Thailand and always has been. The abortion is her decision now, and she knows I will support her whichever way she goes. If she decides to keep the child she will be staying for the birth in Thailand and I will do my best to be there for the birth. She has a great family to support her back home, and I know she would be more comfortable there.

I'm facing upto my responsibilities here, and I guess the main advice I'm looking for is how to help her deal with how she is feeling right now. She's never been pregnant..and neither have I. Infact I dont really know why I'm posting here..I think typing it is helping me think it all through.

[rixalex]

So, she is now back in thailand and last night called me to say she wants to finish with me, keep the baby, go back to school, and move to live with family in Europe. She says she just wants to look after the child on her own.

I still plan to marry her. I think her hormones are playing a big part in this, and she is confused, scared, feeling alone etc.

Sounds like there's an imbalance in both of your commitment to the relationship, and don't fool yourself into thinking that hormones are making her talk about stuff like finishing it and going alone.

You are being tested. This is a pivotal moment for you. If you are weak and pander to her outbursts and threats, you will forever after be on the back-foot and be expected to concede to her in every way.

we were using protection...looks like a few got through though!

Hmmm... Sorry to question you girl's integrity, but that sets off a lot of alarm bells for me. Without wishing to get too personal, may we know what the method of contraception was? If it was condoms then fair enough, but if it was any form that relied on the responsibility of the female, you have to ask yourself some hard questions. It happens to often for you not to.

The other part of your post that worried me was the bit about her being adament that she must live outside of Thailand. Why on earth should she be so desperate to leave?

[Pistolbelt]

Yes it was condoms. And yes, I prefered that method because I am not the most trusting of persons. (says more about the relationship there I guess)

I think I agree with you about being tested...trust me, I feel tested!!

Yeah, maybe I was a bit hasty to put her moods down to hormones..I guess it outlines her thoughts about the relationship.

I think that night she was feeling like running away from it all...if that makes sense. We talked the morning after and she apologised for speaking like that.

Adament may have been a bit of a strong way to put it. Since I have known her she has always wanted to live outside Thailand, although was successful and happy whilst in Thailand. Her older sister is married and living in the UK and I'm sure that is a big factor here.

Anyway, All of these thing form a stronger opinion in my mind that we are not ready for a child. The engagement was mainly to keep the parents happy, and we both are not in a rush to marry.

Anyway....We shall see.....

[coventry]

Firstly, we were using protection...looks like a few got through though!

I'm going to be upfront 'Pistolbelt'. You were using condoms and a few got though. I don't buy that. Condoms are also lubricated with a spermicide as a back up for the 'likes of a few getting through'. If you're "not the most trusting person' then why do you trust your GF in that it's your baby ? From my reading of your initial post, it sounds to me as she possibly is pregnant, but it's not yours. So she wants to finish with you before you see what pops out. In between time she now moaning about money. Possibly playing on your concience as she probably has no income. Something doesn't smell right in my opinion. If you're not trusting, as you claim, then do nothing until the baby is born, and then get a DNA test done. She's with her family in Thailand, she won't starve and neither will the baby. The baby can be born in a government hospital for free. If the baby is yours then she will agree to the DNA test, if not.........

Sorry to be so straight, but you asked for 'advice'.

[Mossfinn]

From my reading of your initial post, it sounds to me as she possibly is pregnant, but it's not yours.

That is one helluva leap of faith, or not, as the case may be.

Moss

[think_too_mut]

...unfortunately my car has just blown up and needs serious repairs, rendering me pennyless for a few weeks.

Hm, someone driving a bomb that can leave him peniless...the girl knows it's time to run away.

What was accommodation for her? Some city council estate, crime and drug ridden ?

Those people at the embassies, often protect Thai women from getting into relationships with bomb-owner kind of people.

[coventry]

From my reading of your initial post, it sounds to me as she possibly is pregnant, but it's not yours.

That is one helluva leap of faith, or not, as the case may be.

Moss

I can see what you say.

[rixalex]

Something doesn't smell right in my opinion.

Bang on the money.

Whatever you do, don't go down that path of making excuses for inexcusable behaviour. Bar an act of cheating, are there any circumstances that you would have threatened her with separation? I don't think so, especially not now. But she did. If you love someone and that person hasn't actually done anything wrong, you don't go around making threats like that - no matter what your hormones might be doing.

Anyway Pistolbelt, you seem to have your head screwed on. My advice, follow your gut.

[Pistolbelt]

Ok, well thank you for the objective opinions.

She made the decision to go to the clinic today.

[skippybangkok]

Sorry........ sounds like another "insurance" scam. ( get him on the hook )

A Thai woman from a decent upbringing is typically nervous about getting prego before marriage... (proof that she has bonked - normally "innocent virgins" )...... if she was not worried about it, my 10 cents it was intentional, and when the prize came, your were expected to say "love u, lets get married"

Then again....it might just be a sincere accident, but sounds fishy to me

[spaceshipcrew]

Hi,

Well, My gf has just returned to thailand after three months here, during which time we got engaged. Just before she left we strongly suspected that she was pregnant, a test here came back negative, but she has since tested agian and it was positive. She was showing so many signs we are 100% certain.

Anyway, This is quite a shock to both of us, as we are not ready to have chilren yet, and whilst we were over here we discussed abortion and agreed this was the way to go. We both felt that our relationship and living arrangements were not solid enough to have a child.

So, she is now back in thailand and last night called me to say she wants to finish with me, keep the baby, go back to school, and move to live with family in Europe. She says she just wants to look after the child on her own. She was very emotional, crying, telling me that she loved me and misses me and needs to be with me, but cannot bear to spend the next 6 weeks apart (she has to spend 6weeks in thailand before I visit and the plan was to bring her backover for a year). She is mainly complaining that she has no money and cannot spend how she used to...unfortunately my car has just blown up and needs serious repairs, rendering me pennyless for a few weeks.

Now, firstly I am shit scared of becoming a dad, but as we are engaged, I still plan to marry her. I think her hormones are playing a big part in this, and she is confused, scared, feeling alone etc. She says she just wants things to be back to how they were before.

Any advice to help smooth this out???

Do as the thai, be suprised of what you cause by yourself, and now it comes to responsibility !

[dmerchent]

Hi,

Well, My gf has just returned to thailand after three months here, during which time we got engaged. Just before she left we strongly suspected that she was pregnant, a test here came back negative, but she has since tested agian and it was positive. She was showing so many signs we are 100% certain.

Anyway, This is quite a shock to both of us, as we are not ready to have chilren yet, and whilst we were over here we discussed abortion and agreed this was the way to go. We both felt that our relationship and living arrangements were not solid enough to have a child.

So, she is now back in thailand and last night called me to say she wants to finish with me, keep the baby, go back to school, and move to live with family in Europe. She says she just wants to look after the child on her own. She was very emotional, crying, telling me that she loved me and misses me and needs to be with me, but cannot bear to spend the next 6 weeks apart (she has to spend 6weeks in thailand before I visit and the plan was to bring her backover for a year). She is mainly complaining that she has no money and cannot spend how she used to...unfortunately my car has just blown up and needs serious repairs, rendering me pennyless for a few weeks.

Now, firstly I am shit scared of becoming a dad, but as we are engaged, I still plan to marry her. I think her hormones are playing a big part in this, and she is confused, scared, feeling alone etc. She says she just wants things to be back to how they were before.

Any advice to help smooth this out???

Do as the thai, be suprised of what you cause by yourself, and now it comes to responsibility !

[dmerchent]

Is the trip to the clinic going to cost you a lot?

[torrenova]

My experience is that they bluster on about keeping the kid but if they have a means of getting rid of it and you don't want to know but will pay to have it taken care of then very few will have the baby. They win financially and for many, that is what it is all about.

[timang]

since it's already there, you have no choice but to bare with it....

having a baby is not really easy!

[Sheryl]

Well speaking as a woman, I would give a great deal of leeway to her on hormonal grounds as well as on grounds of being faced with a wretching decision. I dont think a man can un derstand just how difficult this is for a woman; for a man the potential child is an abstraction and the pregnancy a practical problem, for the woman it is a living reality within her body.

If she proceeds with terminating, expect her hormones to be even more labile for at least a 'week. Dont base any decísions on what she says or does during this stressful hormone roller-coaster trip, go by what she said and did before that and does after it.

I should add that in my experience, women often do decide to end the relationshiop after terminating a pregnancy, even if they were very committed to it before hand. Something about the whole experience is a major turn-off. But of course everyone is different.

[LadyHeather]

Add in the general taboo against termination among Thai women, plus the feeling of guilt for doing so, hormonal changes and yes, loneliness and she needs your understanding and kindness, not tests. No man can possibly understand how it feels for a woman, and some of the assumptions and accusations made in this thread are quite sad. Seems there are more than a few lacking in human empathy.

[torrenova]

Seems there are more than a few lacking in human empathy.

I've employed thousands of them and got to know a good few and there is a gap as wide as the Pacific ocean between what westerners think as to empathy and what Thais think.

Sometimes people just don't like the stark reality of the situation and as such try to gloss over it. The Thais on the other hand often just bury the issue with all the other crap they refuse to talk about or deal with.