Can't Deal With Death

[fullservice]

My brother just got diagnosed with cancer in a late stage and will die in about 2 months according to the docs. He is just 30 years old. My father died 10 years ago from cancer (a different one) and I never managed to get over this.

I never had a religion or any beliefs so for me death is just the end. Black - nothing. Of course I would love to change that and belief into something. I feel lost and like living in a nightmare. When I speak to my brother I don't know what to think. I hear him, he sounds so alive but he will be gone so soon. He never drank, smoked and is one of the nicest and most modest persons I ever met. Maybe too nice for the world so a lot of people took advantage of him, he got mobbed at his workplace and developed a depression / panic attacks that is probably one of the reasons why he has this cancer in his stomach now.

I always urged him to get a therapy but he never wanted to go and things got worse. He didn't realize the cancer symptoms were not just symptoms of his depression. I love him so much this breaks my heart.

I saw the list of mental health related places but I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I won't do anything stupid but I have to find a way to deal with people or loved ones dying. Of course everyone is sad but this sadness is so devastating in my case and that in a time when I want to be strong and be there for my brother.

Of course I don't want to bother him how all this breaks my heart because this will make him feel even worse. But I'm not sure if I can keep this up when I go and visit him in the coming weeks. He deals with the situation quite well, my mom too but I just feel I can't really handle it even though I'm otherwise always the "strong" guy who sorts things out, gives support and is asked for advice.

I just bounce between my rational side that tells me I shouldn't be sad because it won't help or change anything and my emotional side that just feels this is so unfair and all the memories I have of my brother come up. I seriously don't know what to do.

[skippybangkok]

wishing u the best of strenght. My wifes mother who she was very close with passed on last month, with devestating results. not easy to deal with things like this.

I guess get as much joy and happiness out of the time left with him on this earth would be my approach.

Edited April 18, 2009 by skippybangkok

[fullservice]

Thank you Skippy. I hope he wants to see me soon. Right now he wants to be alone. I know the coming months will be very hard. I found this guide to dying online, it might help others facing a similar situation.

http://www.mywhatever.com/cifwriter/librar...rtals/mor0.html

I think the basic problem with my thinking is the denial of death. Even when I was a kid I asked my parents to promise me that they will never die because I couldn't bear the idea that I would not have them one day. I'm usually a person who confronts problems, unpleasant feelings but when I look back I never really confronted myself with the idea of dying. I just tried to get the whole subject out of my mind.

Whenever my girlfriend speaks about dying she is pretty relaxed. Since she was a kid she got used to the idea of rebirth and the Buddhist believes. I love Buddhism but have such a hard time believing into something unless I see evidence. Coping with this situation would be so much easier if I would have something I would believe in.

[rixalex]

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

A lot of Thais do seem very matter-of-fact about death and it doesn't seem to faze them - by that i mean the prospect of their own deaths. I envy them the ability to think this way. I guess the only way to rationalise it is to think of it like going to sleep. We all do that everyday and there's certainly nothing unpleasant about it - in fact it's rather nice.

I hope your brother's final moments are happy and without pain. All the best.

[kennkate]

This is not a easy subject for people to respond to

I constantly tell myself I am lucky to get to retirement Unlike your Brother and so many that will not

I think you should Talk and Talk and Talk to your Brother as much as possible

Tell him it was you who put the worm in his Cornflakes. You must have little secrets, Bouth of you

Get them out and have A laugh with each other, Be completly Honest with him.

Tell him you will Miss him, Yes Cry But Laugh as well, Most of all Talk to him

Anything you want to ask him Ask now. Dont let him go And think I wish I had asked Him

Take Care. Live your life. Time is Precious

Kennkate

[Sheryl]

My sympathies.

Short-term therapy would probably be of some help, especially in letting you release some of your emotion prior to meeting with your brother so that you don't end up laying it on him, which you obviously should not do.

However in the long run you need something deeper as you are face to face with the bottom line issue of our existence.

I strongly recommend Vipassana meditation. While a technique taught by the Buddha, it is most definitely not limited tio people of any particular religion and not in any way concerned with any system of belief. The whole point of it is to learn for yourself through your own direct experience.

www.dhamma.org

[BigSnake]

to hear of your sorrows, but remember there is a reason for everything and everything has a reason, and what god bring you to he will bring you thur, keep the faith the way will be clear on how to deal with death.

[fullservice]

Thank you all for your kind words of advice.

@rivalex

I like this idea and I'm aware that a lot of the grief and sadness is self pity because you will not have this person in your life again. The worst thing for me is that it feels so not right. Not him... he is so not a person who deserves that. He was just getting back on track after all his mental problems.

@Kennkate

I plan on doing that. I will fly to him whenever he allows me to do that and will spend lots of time with him. I'm just so scared of these situations... to see him lose more and more control over his body, to remember childhood experiences that were so beautiful. I don't want to cry then, I want to be strong to make him feel strong. I know my brother and the best thing would be to make him feel like we go through some sort of routine. Like dying is just so normal even though its not.

@Sheryl

I know I will have to get a different state of mind to support him. We are a very small family so probably I will be the only person who will be with him in his final weeks. Does anyone maybe know some Buddhist monks who speak English and maybe have a bit time to talk about death? I tried to contact Mae Che Brigitte an Austrian nun but she is on a Europe trip.

@BigSnake

Thank you. Its good to hear that you believe in that. I wish I would have faith or believe in anything. This would comfort me a lot in a situation like this.

Edited April 18, 2009 by fullservice

[brianinbangkok]

My sympathies.

I am 41 and also have cancer myself, I had the tumor removed but no longer worry about my retirement.

And just hope the regular CT scans give me good results.

When they told me I had cancer I was shocked and everything else became completly irrelevant.

Thing is to remember the good things you shared in life with your brother and not to focus too much on death when your talking with your brother.

I read a book called the Last Lecture you can buy it at most good bookstores in Bkk.

It helped me see positive side of life and not only to focus on death hope it helps you 2 .

http://www.thelastlecture.com/

[Svenn]

A lot of Thais do seem very matter-of-fact about death and it doesn't seem to faze them - by that i mean the prospect of their own deaths. I envy them the ability to think this way.

I don't think Thai's are unfazed by death because they believe in rebirth like many here say, in fact I think most of them, like most people around the world, are naturally rational and only convince themselves that they believe in non-rational religious concepts upon deliberative artificial reflection... not upon intuitive and immediate reactions to events like death. Moreover, I think there is an added matter-of-factness to death in all poor countries around the world simply because death happens more often, is unpredictable, and there is a marked lack of time or melodramatic philosophy, unlike the West, to brood around thinking about one's demise.

To me, as one who thinks about death quite a lot and spends considerable time doing vipassana meditation, death is probably only a gut-wrenching nauseating event to those who haven't spent much time thinking about it- i.e. to those who are caught up in the whirlwind of frivilous daily activities and making detailed yearly plans for the future. When such people are suddenly told they don't have much longer, they generally get profoundly depressed as their mind tries to grasp the idea that the present is all they have now. In meditation, you train yourself to dwell only in the present... most people naturally spend most of their time thinking about the future... so it's not an easy thing to do.

just some thoughts of mine, not really related to OP's brother's situation. He in fact is apparently handling it very well according to the OP, which is usually the suprising thing that happens for most intelligent people. Zen monks would perhaps think a 2 month deadline would be a blessing- rapid impermance makes an entity all the more beautiful, just like the cherry blossoms.

peace

[bina]

try online keywords like death and dying or hospice info... the people ont he sites give a lot of info... sorry the sites i have are in hebrew; but my mother in america worked with last stage illness and did some seminars on death and dying by some monks in the states, they work(ed) with medical practicioners try google for them also... they give practical advice for primary caretakers etc... several (dying) people here on the kibbutz go to reike practicioners that work with terminally ill people and with their immediate families, try some sites with that also

bina

israel

[snuggzzz]

I can understand your difficulties. My father died of cancer and given 2 months. Initially, I didn't know what to do, however, my Dad was more relaxed than I thought.

He wanted to speak to close family members, recall events, share laughter, impart pearls of wisdom. He was insistent on putting his affairs in order. As someone has posted and recommended, talk, 'laugh and cry' with them.

For your own sake, share your views with a partner or close friend, when you carry on with your life, take any observations your brother may recomend for you. That in itself should get you both talking..!!

I hope this is of some help if only to reinforce previous posts.

May God bless you both.

[goldfish]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tibetan-Book-Livin...0490&sr=1-1

This may be of help to yourself. It doesn't refer to Buddhism as a religion, nor criticize other religions, just give someone in your position necessary guidance. Your brother must be proud to have you there