A Typical Conversation With My Wife

[JetsetBkk]

... “Ohh wait a minute, you mean FORTUNE...

It's not only Thais & Farangs that have a problem communicating...

[sbk]

Had this problem with some scousers that stayed at our place, lovely lads but get a few drinks in them and it turned them from difficult to understand to nigh impossible

I can't say I have these communication issues with my husband, his english is fluent, far better than my Thai. But I do recall a similar kind of story regarding myself and my inlaws.

My husband had a speedboat we were taking to the mainland on the car ferry (too far to take the boat) for some work. Well, we got to the pier to get on the boat and the axle on the trailer broke. So, back home we go to get the mechanic to fix the trailer. Well, my inlaws show up asking me what had happened and why we hadn't gone to Surat Thani. Well, I didn't know the word for trailer so told them (in Thai) "the wheel on the vehicle that carries the boat broke"

[Livinginexile]

A few years ago before we were so used to each other's pronunciation oddities, wife & I had the following conversation.

She: Jane (daughter) wants a helicopter

Me: Why would a 16 year old girl want a helicopter? (assume toy, real one is outside my budget)

She: She says she likes, She wants the new one.

Me: (Thinks, well, that is a Westland Whirlwind out - perhaps a Bell Jet Ranger or Eurocopter). Are you sure helicopter?

She: Yes, the latest helicopter.

Me: OK let's go to Robinsons.

Fade out...fade in at Robinsons. I head for the toy department.

She: No not here - books.

Me: Ah! she wants a book on helicopters (Still thinking strange request from 16 Year old girl).

She: (Pointing to shelf bearing copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, or whatever) - Here, Heli pocter.

Still get a laugh out of that.

Lol

Classic

[JetsetBkk]

A g/f of mine wanted to go to the stationers for lemonade . This confused the h3ll out of me. After a more in-depth discussion, I realised she wanted to get a photograph laminated.

Definitely a "Two Ronnies - Fork Handles" moment.

[rideswings]

Phuket has Night Bees

This is a true story. The names have not been changed to protect the dummys identity.

So my darling wife and I were strolling back from Phuket's Patong beach a while back and I was remarking on how lovely Phuket is and how lovely Phi Phi was as well, when she suddenly informed me that Phuket has night bees. I looked at her and asked her again, "Night Bees?" and she said "yes night bees. Phi Phi not have night bees." In my horror, I imagined swarms of flying insects wontonly killing every living thing in sight, and people are powerless to stop these bees. I had been in Phuket before and had never heard of these bees, so I knew that because she was Thai, she had heard legendary stories of how people dealt with this terrible onslaught. I had visions of the African locusts that just anhilate everything, so I thought it would be best that we stay inside at night. A few minutes later I asked her about the bees. "They come at night?" She looked at me blankly. "The bees, do they come only at night?" Again a blank stare which usually means I need to think about what she said again. Then it dawned on me... we were talking about how much nicer Phuket is than Phi Phi. How it has more water than Phi Phi.... It also has a nicer beach than Phi Phi... So the night bees were actually a nice beach. So, what she was trying to tell me was that Phuket has a nice beach, not night bees. I felt like an incredible burden had been lifted from my shoulders and we rejoiced and went and ate some rice.

Maybe some day I will truly understand this woman... but then again its so much fun trying to figure out what the <deleted> she is trying to say all the time...

Edited May 11, 2009 by rideswings

[neverdie]

thanks OP, that was a classic

[Mosha]

This is from my mate, who recently married an English teacher.

Toi "My friend want to borrow 100,000 to open lolly shop"

Brian "Why open shop? She can just buy table to put sweets on."

Toi giving Brian the you are too stupid to walk look. "She want shop for lolly not khanom."

Brian reading the warning signs."What she want to do with this lolly shop?"

Toi giving the you can't be seriously asking a stupid question look, and explains it so even a stupid Farang can understand. "She want wash clothes."

Brian " Oh Laundry shop."

Toi "That what I said!"

[njpski]

what is Her Indoors?

Her Indoors = "She who must be obeyed" or "the trouble and strife" or "the cheese and kisses" my better half <LI>the old ball and chain

[sanook2me]

Must remember these for when its my turn to be fluxomed..

nice bees = beach

lolly = laundry

Just had one this morning after i was talking about getting fit.

me - in one month i will be fit again after exercising alot

her - you will be fit or fit

me - eh! fit or fit ---er i will be fit.

her - fit or fit

me - okay what is fit or fit

her -plah(fish = fit) or fit ! haha you original English and you don't know your own language

(me - oh very f_ucking funny - if you could pronounce it correctly i would understand you dumbass b1tch (i wish i could have said this)

me - yes, dear i must learn to hear English better..

[coconutmonkey]

Maybe some day I will truly understand this woman... but then again its so much fun trying to figure out what the &lt;deleted&gt; she is trying to say all the time...

Ha!

This one made me weep!

[bojo]

Years ago, some advertising boards around Koh Samui for Fuji Karaoke bar in Chaweng, amused many with their slogan..... best hostages in town!! Place was packed for months!!

Regards Bojo

[ThNiner]

A few years ago before we were so used to each other's pronunciation oddities, wife & I had the following conversation.

She: Jane (daughter) wants a helicopter

Me: Why would a 16 year old girl want a helicopter? (assume toy, real one is outside my budget)

She: She says she likes, She wants the new one.

Me: (Thinks, well, that is a Westland Whirlwind out - perhaps a Bell Jet Ranger or Eurocopter). Are you sure helicopter?

She: Yes, the latest helicopter.

Me: OK let's go to Robinsons.

Fade out...fade in at Robinsons. I head for the toy department.

She: No not here - books.

Me: Ah! she wants a book on helicopters (Still thinking strange request from 16 Year old girl).

She: (Pointing to shelf bearing copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, or whatever) - Here, Heli pocter.

Still get a laugh out of that.

This one is quality! Not sure if I myself could properly pronounce Harry Potter...or parallel..or ran the red light..etc etc.

[CFIT]

My Thai guy says things like..

Where my Hap (meaning where is my motorcycle cap)

wook him Noe (meaning, look at that guys nose on the bike next to us, its huge)

makes me laugh, and makes me Wub him eben more......

Yes, making fun of people's noses is soooo..... charming. Whadda guy!

[phaethon]

Puan and I emerge from Big C, Central BKK.

Puan: We go psychiatris.

Me: Psychiatrist? Uh, why?

Puan: Tire, foot hurt - we go psychiatris.

Me (anything for a laugh): OK... Where is psychiatrist? (Thinks: Must mean foot massage? Chiropodist..?)

Puan ('like you don't know' look): Dis way...

200m later...

Me: How far psychaitrist?

Puan(points): psychiatris!

Me: Oh! SKYTRAIN!

Edited May 12, 2009 by phaethon

[changnaam]

Mum came over to visit a couple of years ago and met the new missus and we decided to go for a drink before dinner. As the place was quite busy we sat at the bar and we started to tuck into the "snacks" while mum went to use the facilities.

On returning the "little angel" leans over the bar and shouts "Mum.....do you want some pea - nis, they reawy good here"

.....priceless

[PoorSucker]

Mrs PoorSucker: Going market, you want snake?

Mr PoorSucker: Hmmm, snake I'm not in the mood for snake.

Mrs PoorSucker: No stupid, you want snake?

Mr PoorSucker: I think the snakes should not killed.

Mrs PoorSucker: Not Snake, Snake,snake.

Mr PoorSucker: ????..... Oh you mean snack.

Mrs PoorSucker: Yes snake....

[OriginalPoster]

Years ago, some advertising boards around Koh Samui for Fuji Karaoke bar in Chaweng, amused many with their slogan..... best hostages in town!! Place was packed for months!!

Regards Bojo

For years the sign over the front door of the Pink Lady massage joint in Chaweng said that it was a "Paino Bar". I'm pretty sure that place has the same owner as the Fuji Karaoke too, probably they take the hostages over to the paino bar.

Edited May 12, 2009 by OriginalPoster

[EvilDrSomkid]

Try to get them to say 'toothbrush' for a laugh.

We just make it into a running gag once we find out what is being said.

The crap vs crab thing for example. Comes out as: clap, of course.

She: "Thirak, my parents have so mush clap in their house, I do not like it. Sokopok mak.

I hate clap! Why do thai people want a lot of clap etcetc"

That is true, &lt;deleted&gt; do they always buy all this Pokemon sh*t?

Later:

Thirak , I think I would like to have clap today.

Me: (big kuanteen smile) But you don't like clap .

Thirak: Yes I do. I love clap.

Me. You said to me you don't like clap.

Thirak: Huh?

Me: You don't like clap. You hate it.

Thirak: Ooooh you so kuanteen. Why you tease me?

giggle giggle.

[sanook2me]

not misunderstanding nor with wife but lost in translation

me shopping at central for a VGA lead for pc

me - do you have a vga lead (now my logical thinking is VGA is VGA in any language)

1st shop assistant - no have

me - i'm sure you do this is the electrical dept

me - do you have a vga lead

2nd shop assistant - mai khao jai - nong maa nee

me - do you have a vga lead

3rd (nong) shop assistant - points aimlessly over there

me - do you have a vga lead

4th & 5th combined - laugh laugh 5555 arai na khaaaaaa..phiii maa nii

me - do you have a vga lead

6th shop assistant - yes, we have a VEEE GEEEE AAAAAA (while looking at the other assistants and pronouncing it again)

6 shop assistants! to understand 3 English letters not even a word! there's never a chance of full language comprehension either way!

no have = drives me bonkers! basically means i cannot be arsed or bothered to help or understand you

pointing aimlessly = save loss of face and send you elsewhere

The laughing and calling nong and phi over i dont mind because its always done with lots of laughing with cute lasses for a little flirt wirty....

so if you want a VGA lead dont forgot to over pronounce the aaaaa as in towerrrrrrrr

[Loz]

crying into my tea reading this. Thanks for your honesty.

[thairat]

Phuket has Night Bees

This is a true story. The names have not been changed to protect the dummys identity.

So my darling wife and I were strolling back from Phuket's Patong beach a while back and I was remarking on how lovely Phuket is and how lovely Phi Phi was as well, when she suddenly informed me that Phuket has night bees. I looked at her and asked her again, "Night Bees?" and she said "yes night bees. Phi Phi not have night bees." In my horror, I imagined swarms of flying insects wontonly killing every living thing in sight, and people are powerless to stop these bees. I had been in Phuket before and had never heard of these bees, so I knew that because she was Thai, she had heard legendary stories of how people dealt with this terrible onslaught. I had visions of the African locusts that just anhilate everything, so I thought it would be best that we stay inside at night. A few minutes later I asked her about the bees. "They come at night?" She looked at me blankly. "The bees, do they come only at night?" Again a blank stare which usually means I need to think about what she said again. Then it dawned on me... we were talking about how much nicer Phuket is than Phi Phi. How it has more water than Phi Phi.... It also has a nicer beach than Phi Phi... So the night bees were actually a nice beach. So, what she was trying to tell me was that Phuket has a nice beach, not night bees. I felt like an incredible burden had been lifted from my shoulders and we rejoiced and went and ate some rice.

Maybe some day I will truly understand this woman... but then again its so much fun trying to figure out what the &lt;deleted&gt; she is trying to say all the time...

Maybe "Pee" in Thai means ghost right?, so after tsunami....people died left many ghosts.....

nevermind "nice beaches" much better. :-)

Edited January 11, 2010 by thairat

[eTiMaGo]

another one that makes me laugh is when talking to someone and they say "I'm so boring", meaning to say I'm so bored Yes, dear, you are, goodbye!

[Tonto21]

Spot on OP! Tinglish is fantastic! My wife try’s to talk to fast in English as I do in Thai, and in hast to convey something, sometimes she will leave out whole sentences, that, along with words I’ve never heard before, is it any wonder I get confused! My favorite was “Mayday, Mayday the dogs blown up!” The dog was being sick.

But she does a belting Scouse accent, She can say: (said in full on Scouce accent)

“Day-do-dat-dere-dow-downt-day” and “Ken Dod’s dad’s dog’s dead” and when ever I have to reverse the pick-up, she pipes up……..”Eeeer goahead, come back” Very, very funny, it’s Naa’s party peace. If you close your eyes, your there.

[mca]

This is from my mate, who recently married an English teacher.

Toi "My friend want to borrow 100,000 to open lolly shop"

Brian "Why open shop? She can just buy table to put sweets on."

Toi giving Brian the you are too stupid to walk look. "She want shop for lolly not khanom."

Brian reading the warning signs."What she want to do with this lolly shop?"

Toi giving the you can't be seriously asking a stupid question look, and explains it so even a stupid Farang can understand. "She want wash clothes."

Brian " Oh Laundry shop."

Toi "That what I said!"

Good to see Brian's attempts to improve his wife's English include replying in pidgin Mosha. Unless Brian is Chinese.

[Moonrakers]

Wife: I have to go out

Me: Where

Wife: I have to go and see the Royal

Me: Eh!

Wife: I have to go and see the Royal

Me: The Royal? Why would the royals want to meet you?

Wife: For business, the Royal.

Me: &lt;deleted&gt;?

Wife: You know I have to go and see the Royal, for the company registration documents.

Me: Company registration documents for the Royals? Don't you mean the lawyer?

Wife: Yes, the royal.

Me: OK then.

[Matan]

I must say, these things are only amusing to me in an "oh-my-god-that's-depressing" kind of way. You people really spend that much time trying to decipher something like "Phuket has a nice beach?" I really hope that level of inability to communicate is only shown in isolated cases!

If I'm with a girl who says something I don't understand, this is the order things go in:

1. Can you repeat that? - If it's still baffling, then

2. In Thai please? - If I don't know the word, then

3. Can you spell it in English?

That rarely fails.

[Moonrakers]

I must say, these things are only amusing to me in an "oh-my-god-that's-depressing" kind of way. You people really spend that much time trying to decipher something like "Phuket has a nice beach?" I really hope that level of inability to communicate is only shown in isolated cases!

If I'm with a girl who says something I don't understand, this is the order things go in:

1. Can you repeat that? - If it's still baffling, then

2. In Thai please? - If I don't know the word, then

3. Can you spell it in English?

That rarely fails.

Do you get her to spell it in the phoentic alphabet?

Bravo Echo Alpha Charlie Hotel..... Over

[Tonto21]

I must say, these things are only amusing to me in an "oh-my-god-that's-depressing" kind of way. You people really spend that much time trying to decipher something like "Phuket has a nice beach?" I really hope that level of inability to communicate is only shown in isolated cases!

If I'm with a girl who says something I don't understand, this is the order things go in:

1. Can you repeat that? - If it's still baffling, then

2. In Thai please? - If I don't know the word, then

3. Can you spell it in English?

That rarely fails.

Thank Matan...... Glad we cleared that... Just a thought, you didn't get deported from your home country did you?

[Matan]

I must say, these things are only amusing to me in an "oh-my-god-that's-depressing" kind of way. You people really spend that much time trying to decipher something like "Phuket has a nice beach?" I really hope that level of inability to communicate is only shown in isolated cases!

If I'm with a girl who says something I don't understand, this is the order things go in:

1. Can you repeat that? - If it's still baffling, then

2. In Thai please? - If I don't know the word, then

3. Can you spell it in English?

That rarely fails.

Do you get her to spell it in the phoentic alphabet?

Bravo Echo Alpha Charlie Hotel..... Over

No I insist upon more complex terms such as B for Banana, E for Echolocation, A for Anthropomorphism, C for Codswallop and H for Hypocrite and if they don't conform to that I snort tobacco and then kill myself, like a boss.

Tonto21 - very perceptive of you, I was in fact deported for solving communication problems effectively, rather than flailing around with "Bees? Bees. Bees? Bees. Bees? Bees. Bees? Bees. Bees???"

[dudemeister]

(TGF) …….. hey you not interesting me!

(Farang) Sorry honey I was busy reading ThaiVisa, what were you saying?

(TGF) I want to go Night Bee’s. I’m so boring!

(Farang) Oh, I don’t think your boring darling…

(TGF) Every day you on termameter and virus, I tried!

(Farang) What? You tried to use the computer? I thought you had to go into town today?

(TGF) Yes, I go lolly shop, after snake shop. Buy fit, clap, penis snake. Cost for June.

(Farang) Will you be travelling by psychiatrist or Happy Potter?

(TGF) Oh you think you very in television! I tried. Maybe I go see Royal.