Philosophy

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

And speaking of philosophy, I liked this one... originally posted by dugdig on the Thai Language Forum on 5th November 2004...

It refers to a rice paddy which is flooded half of the year and dry half of the year...and to alot of other things in life:

Nahm ma

pla gin moht

Nahm loht

moht gin pla

The water comes

The fish eat the ants

The water drops

The ants eat the fish

Excellent stuff.... Just broke up with a philosophy major student... couldn;t argue any points of her own, just siht from textbooks.... So I've sent this on to her...

Oh, my brother sent me some replies to the above...

quoting him now... read the brackets...

Philosophy

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

(depends what you are into)

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....(light weight)

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys

and apes? (so that brothers and sisters can still live on this earth)

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the

bad girls live. (you will make many children very confused)

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the

self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the

purpose. ( never did like librarians)

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? (then what if.....)

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" (the desert)

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an

endangered plant? (you stop your monthly donations)

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? (ok that's

like a Christmas cracker joke so does not warrant a comment)

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone

will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? (He's

fukced )

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (finance people ......hearltless / My brothers in finance.)

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? (read

kippling's "IF"...)

And last but not least.... a Thai expression, expressing the way the

world goes round, and round... . (a grandmother phrase I remember from a long

time ago when I was complaining about someone - "if people were all the

same the world would not turn")