Burn Out?

[Minke]

- Moved here to be with Thai boyfriend

- Been here 1 year 4 months now

- First experience living out of my home country

Lately I have been having spells of getting a bit 'burned out.' Not necessarily missing home as much as getting a bit burned out on Thailand. I don't think it has as much to do with Thailand specifically as it does with the experience of moving to a new country and trying to adapt and be comfortable. I never entertained the delusion of fitting and being a local. I grew up in the USA so no, I am not Thai. Fine and good I can do my best to fit into the basics of social expectations. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret this decision (to move here or to be with the boyfriend) in the least. I guess I am wondering if feeling burned out and missing 'Normalcy' is something most of you other expats go through too. I am learning the language (writing too) and keeping my eyes and ears open to how it all works... but shit, I get frustrated with feeling a bit helpless and not really knowing what the heck is going on around me. Am I expecting too much for only a year here? Am I not as adaptable as I thought? Does what I am trying to describe pass eventually? I am curious to see what some of you folks who have been here longer think about this. Thanks.

[mrt273nva]

- Moved here to be with Thai boyfriend

- Been here 1 year 4 months now

- First experience living out of my home country

Lately I have been having spells of getting a bit 'burned out.' Not necessarily missing home as much as getting a bit burned out on Thailand. I don't think it has as much to do with Thailand specifically as it does with the experience of moving to a new country and trying to adapt and be comfortable. I never entertained the delusion of fitting and being a local. I grew up in the USA so no, I am not Thai. Fine and good I can do my best to fit into the basics of social expectations. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret this decision (to move here or to be with the boyfriend) in the least. I guess I am wondering if feeling burned out and missing 'Normalcy' is something most of you other expats go through too. I am learning the language (writing too) and keeping my eyes and ears open to how it all works... but shit, I get frustrated with feeling a bit helpless and not really knowing what the heck is going on around me. Am I expecting too much for only a year here? Am I not as adaptable as I thought? Does what I am trying to describe pass eventually? I am curious to see what some of you folks who have been here longer think about this. Thanks.

just power through it. it will get better soon. when things start becoming available to you that can offer detractions you will be set.

PM me if you want hear a suggestion

[canincm]

I've been in Thailand for about the same amount of time, have a Thai boyfriend, but spent almost 2 years in another country before I came here. I know what you mean about feeling burned out, but sometimes I wonder if it's Thailand, or the change of a relationship with a man from such a different culture. Are you in a big city? It helps a lot if you have solid, supportive friends.

[Farma]

I started overseas work for a large multinational company many years ago. Part of their induction program included a presentation on the various emotional stages a person may encounter in their first few years living/working away from home.

I’ve forgotten most of the details of that presentation but what you're going through sounds about normal for the timescale. It’s just a phase that will pass.

[wasabi]

I think it probably is Thailand not you. This country can be quaint and has it's charm, but it is a third world zoo at the same time that is probably decades behind where you came from. A significant and unavoidable faction of Thai's don't respect us and at best find us amusing, it's hard to laugh this off and why should we just accept it as cultural differences? I came here and accomplished what i set out to which was improve my Thai. I also met a wife along the way which is certainly an added plus. Now I want the best quality of life for us possible which is in the USA, where I don't have to breathe a lung full of carbon monoxide, dodge Toyota vans and rats in the soi as big as cats. Where I don't have to explain to nurses when I'm getting blood drawn that she should change the needle and wear latex gloves, have steady internet, and not worry about sanitation when I eat or wading through a street full of sewage to get home, men blowing whistles, amazing bundles of nonsense in the electrical wiring, fleeing the scene, ten people doing the job of one.

It's an adventure I will remember and cherish but I know my limits. I know some people are bent out of shape about their homelands and feel Thailand is the answer to all that ails them and I don't begrudge them of that escape but for me the tally of pros and cons could not be more clear and I will only be returning as a vacationer.

Edited May 21, 2009 by wasabi

[seoguru]

SHIT IT AINT THAT BAD, I bkk, here in europe it is so lame, in bkk i got so much action, here not much if you know what i mean

but i was burned out because it was super hot all the time

[Minke]

I've been in Thailand for about the same amount of time, have a Thai boyfriend, but spent almost 2 years in another country before I came here. I know what you mean about feeling burned out, but sometimes I wonder if it's Thailand, or the change of a relationship with a man from such a different culture. Are you in a big city? It helps a lot if you have solid, supportive friends.

I am in a small Muslim place... It has been hard to get supportive friends and I mean real friends. Everyone is friendly of course, it's how you have to be, but getting below the social niceties and into a proper friendship hasn't happened yet. That may be a big part of it. The boyfriend relationship has been a full-time job as I bet you can imagine But I don't want to bail out just yet. I just wanted to get some feedback to see if this is just a normal phase or a sign of big trouble to come.

Yeah I can imagine it's about 30% Thailand and 70% diving into an absolutely polar opposite lifestyle. Being treated like an amusement gets old. You should have seen the neighborhood spectacle I created just digging some holes to plant some <deleted> bean plants. Everyone thought it was a riot and worthy of them standing around to watch the FA-rlang plant some vegetable plants. And not to mention the local kids who stand for up to an hour holding the curtains of my front sliding door open to get a better look at me sitting on the computer. Jesus H Christ people. I know it's a social place and all but the constant scrutiny and getting all up in my business all day is starting to drive me nuts.

Anyways, thanks for the reassurance that this is probably just a burnout stage. Cheers.

[Texpat]

I can't imagine being a western woman living in rural southern Thailand.

What on earth convinced you to move there?

To my mind -- worst of every conceivable world.

Edited May 21, 2009 by Texpat

[seoguru]

lol

[Misplaced]

Stay positive!

Think of it as a life time opportunity. How many people get the chance to do what you are doing today? Absorb the cultural differences and learn from it. When it gets too much, go home for a few months. I'm sure you'll miss it.

May be meet up with ladies from TV. It might help you to release some frustrations.

G'luck

[flying]

Lately I have been having spells of getting a bit 'burned out.' Not necessarily missing home as much as getting a bit burned out on Thailand.

No answer for you but just to say.... I am the same way. I love it but after 2-3 months I always tell my wife I'm Thai-urd

She usually laughs & says me too lets go home. Funny though as soon as I get back here I miss it there.

Chok Dee

[Priceless]

Like Farma said, I think it's just a normal phase that you go through. I remember similar experiences in both Britain and the US in my younger days (I'm from Scandinavia).

I'm sure you'll get through it, but DO try to build some kind of social circle of your own. I would imagine that your boyfriend has a large extended family and a network of friends, but you do need something outside of that.

/ Priceless

[sbk]

Well, texpat, I am a white western woman who has been living in rural southern Thailand for 20 years, quite successfully too, I might add. While Koh Phangan is not muslim, I do live in the only Muslim village on the island find the local Muslims to be gracious, generous, decent people and very good neighbors. Sometimes, if you don't know what you are talking about, its best to say nothing at all

As for the OP, its a stage. As has been said, realize that its a stage, consider why you are in Thailand and what you are getting out of it and then ask yourself it it is worth it. I had (and still do sometimes) moments where I wondered what in the hel_l I was doing there and moments when it seemed like my life was the best it could be. And most of the time, its just life and I live it.

If you aren't doing what you want to do then reconsider but I would suggest to give yourself some time and let it pass. It will pass.

[polecat]

I prescribe 4 hours a day trawling Thaivisa.com.

By the way, where can you get a good burger in rural southern Thailand?

[CaptHaddock]

I started overseas work for a large multinational company many years ago. Part of their induction program included a presentation on the various emotional stages a person may encounter in their first few years living/working away from home.

I've forgotten most of the details of that presentation but what you're going through sounds about normal for the timescale. It's just a phase that will pass.

How could I find out more about that? I am planning to move to Thailand and would like to know how to manage expectations around adjusting to life there.

[mommysboy]

It's Thailand, the heat, the noise, the silly antics, the scams, the lies. Think of it like a long term prison sentence; the first few years are the worst! And it probably isn't so good back home either! Short of throwing a number 7 there's not a lot you can do about it. I get drunk a lot, that helps.

[Farma]

How could I find out more about that? I am planning to move to Thailand and would like to know how to manage expectations around adjusting to life there.

I don't have the presentation anymore but remember the basics. A Google search along the lines of "Culture Shock Model" should get similar results.

[t.s]

I've been in Thailand for about the same amount of time, have a Thai boyfriend, but spent almost 2 years in another country before I came here. I know what you mean about feeling burned out, but sometimes I wonder if it's Thailand, or the change of a relationship with a man from such a different culture. Are you in a big city? It helps a lot if you have solid, supportive friends.

I am in a small Muslim place... It has been hard to get supportive friends and I mean real friends. Everyone is friendly of course, it's how you have to be, but getting below the social niceties and into a proper friendship hasn't happened yet. That may be a big part of it. The boyfriend relationship has been a full-time job as I bet you can imagine But I don't want to bail out just yet. I just wanted to get some feedback to see if this is just a normal phase or a sign of big trouble to come.

sounds like you have more than just thai culture to deal with, you have the muslim culture as well.

as a woman, that cant be easy (i am assuming you are female) there isnt a man in the area who would be comfortable with you being his woman's friend.

the only solution i could see would be to find neutral ground in thailand to try it for real. you have made a huge concession, make him make a small one. he will still be close enough to his family for regular contact and you will be more free to live your life.

if he isnt willing to try, bail.

[t.s]

Well, texpat, I am a white western woman who has been living in rural southern Thailand for 20 years, quite successfully too, I might add. While Koh Phangan is not muslim, I do live in the only Muslim village on the island find the local Muslims to be gracious, generous, decent people and very good neighbors. Sometimes, if you don't know what you are talking about, its best to say nothing at all

As for the OP, its a stage. As has been said, realize that its a stage, consider why you are in Thailand and what you are getting out of it and then ask yourself it it is worth it. I had (and still do sometimes) moments where I wondered what in the hel_l I was doing there and moments when it seemed like my life was the best it could be. And most of the time, its just life and I live it.

If you aren't doing what you want to do then reconsider but I would suggest to give yourself some time and let it pass. It will pass.

sbk, while in this case i respect your experience, my experience of the muslim community on kpg is hardly indicative of the other muslim communites in the south.

[hxp006]

Everything will be better

[keestha]

I remember also having had a bit of a dip after living for one and a half years in Thailand. In the beginning you go through kind of a honeymoon period: everything is new and interesting, and you learn a lot, especially about yourself, adapting to a completely different culture. But after one and a half years this feeling wears off.

[Martian]

It is just a temporary thing....power through it as one poster said. You can also head down to your local drug store and buy a few days (weeks) worth of Xanax and feel better all the time. Another benefit of living in LOS...take advantage of it!

Regards,

Martian

[sbk]

Well, texpat, I am a white western woman who has been living in rural southern Thailand for 20 years, quite successfully too, I might add. While Koh Phangan is not muslim, I do live in the only Muslim village on the island find the local Muslims to be gracious, generous, decent people and very good neighbors. Sometimes, if you don't know what you are talking about, its best to say nothing at all

As for the OP, its a stage. As has been said, realize that its a stage, consider why you are in Thailand and what you are getting out of it and then ask yourself it it is worth it. I had (and still do sometimes) moments where I wondered what in the hel_l I was doing there and moments when it seemed like my life was the best it could be. And most of the time, its just life and I live it.

If you aren't doing what you want to do then reconsider but I would suggest to give yourself some time and let it pass. It will pass.

sbk, while in this case i respect your experience, my experience of the muslim community on kpg is hardly indicative of the other muslim communites in the south.

True, I do realize KPG Muslims are different, but I am also not the only white western woman living in rural Southern Thailand that I know

[desi]

How could I find out more about that? I am planning to move to Thailand and would like to know how to manage expectations around adjusting to life there.

There is a book out, Deep Culture, that reads interesting.

I'm ordering it so if you want to ask before you buy, contact me.

And there is always the old standby, Culture Shock Thailand.

The Culture Shock book series is ok, but don't take everything as gold. I know expats on Borneo who still point at everything with their thumbs (and some go as far as using their elbows)

Until I asked, I created a lot of confusion with all the thumb pointing. And I asked quite a few as I just couldn't believe that they'd print something like that in each update.

Also, it became a great icebreaker... 'what's up with the thumb pointing deal?'

The locals (always on the lookout for strange expat behaviour) got a huge laugh out of the whole thing. And who knows, maybe some are even taking it on and it'll become the 'new' must do for locals too.

Edited May 24, 2009 by desi

[Minke]

T.S. You've made a point that I have considered too. I think part of it is the women my age (I am 31) around here are already entrenched in the housewife/mom stage and have little time to be social. I dismissed the idea that they aren't encouraged to be my friend because I would cause trouble with my foreigner ideas and ways. I figured it was me being insecure and distrustful of the mysterious motives of the people here that I don't really understand. Who knows...

I checked out the culture shock model http://moving.about.com/od/internationalmo...lture_shock.htm

I think I am stuck in stage 3. I distrust people because I don't understand them and when you don't know what is going on you assume the worst. Like when everyone is speaking thai and my name comes up a few times I get suspicious. Like when things go missing off my porch I think maybe they are trying to tell me to fuc_k off already. Or they just don't respect my belongings because my pale skin is due to me being constructed entirely of 1000baht bills and I can just get myself another broom, bag of plant fertilizer, flipflops, cat leash etc. I get cagey when strangers are in the house visiting the BF because I worry more stuff will go missing from inside (coins on the desk, cigarette packs, a necklace, toenail clippers, cat brush for my cat whaaaaat?????). I am embarrassed to admit it by I am feeling suspicious of people. I don't want to be this way because I think it will get in the way of me making friends... but I can't help it! That's why I posted here in the first place. I don't want to be a distrustful bitter little freak. I am trying to be all Mai Bpen Rai about it... but it still gets under my skin. I have hope that it's a stage that passes. I really do like it here when I am not being all frustrated.

[WaiWai]

Being treated like an amusement gets old. You should have seen the neighborhood spectacle I created just digging some holes to plant some <deleted> bean plants. Everyone thought it was a riot and worthy of them standing around to watch the FA-rlang plant some vegetable plants. And not to mention the local kids who stand for up to an hour holding the curtains of my front sliding door open to get a better look at me sitting on the computer. Jesus H Christ people. I know it's a social place and all but the constant scrutiny and getting all up in my business all day is starting to drive me nuts.

Seems to me you are right to be getting a little irritated! Stuff should not go missing from your home when people visit, full stop .

I don't know the solution; perhaps the best suggestion here was a move to more neutral territory.

Note that some people never progress through to the "acceptance" phase of cutural adaptation and may remain in any one of the earlier stages.

[Minke]

Additionally - The Muslim thing. That hasn't been easy either. The way I have coped with that part is I do what is socially appropriate out of the house (conservative dress etc... thankfully headscarves are not an issue for him because thats where I would draw the line). But inside the house is FARANG WORLD... period. This has caused some butthurt and bitchery for the boyfriend but I was able to stand my ground and convince him the house was my only refuge for adjusting to Thaiworld and Muslimland. I really think I would still be going through this whether they were all muslims, buddhists, Jews, whatevers.

Yeah the Muslim thing is weird. But no weirder than half the other stuff that goes on here. I perform the proper Muslim greeting/handshake thing and some of them even return with doing the signs of the cross (I am not catholic but the last time I tried to explain it it just confused people).

[patklang]

You get cagey when your bf,s friends steal from you.I would go crazy and thow them out and then tell your bf not to invite them again.

What would you do in USA if people were stealing off you????

get a bit cagey???

[desi]

I think I am stuck in stage 3.

Then there is another stage after the stage they noted. A stage 6?

It's where you've been happy in Thailand, but then you become saturated by reading too much negative in the news (coups, bombings, Red Shirts, Yellow Shirts, Blue Shirts, murders, crazy deaths, crippling accidents, jailing for beer mats and being rude, and anything anti-everything expat related); with the same echoed on many online forums (especially ThaiVisa).

It's where you start thinking that maybe some of what's going on - especially the murders, deaths, crippling accidents, weird jailings - could happen to you too.

And that's when it becomes personal. And that's when you move out of your comfort zone and into... stage 6?

There is a tenseness that comes with this stage. A nervous waiting.

Maybe I should just steal a beer mat and get it over with?

(Kidding, honest. About the beer mat I mean...)

I'm now happily moving into something else so who knows what this next phase of living in Thailand is like.

Disclaimer: I never stopped liking the Thai people or my lifestyle in Thailand. I only started having crazy thoughts about my personal safety, which is not like me at all (just ask my insurance company).