Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

A man`s home is his castle - until the queen arrives!!!

[laislica]

Bouncers to learn how to fix your face after breaking it

All new door staff must learn how to repair the entirely unnecessary damage they cause to your face when

ejecting you from the premises they look after, under new rules which come into force today.

The mandatory training follows a series of high-profile ass-kickings,

in which every bouncer has laid into to everyone they’ve ever thrown out, ever.

The move is seen as a positive by most club goers, with 26 year-old Rob Davies explaining,

“Nothing prepares me for a good night out like a 30 second staring competition with a man whose neck is wider than my waist.”

“I suppose implementing rules that make a bouncer pick up pieces of your face might make them pause for thought

before they spread your nose all over the pavement in the first place.”

“But I suppose it comes down to whether anyone witnesses the ejectees ‘fall’, or whether the ‘unfortunate accident’ was only seen by the door staff.”

Proportional response

However the Security Industry Association have claimed that the new rules are completely inappropriate for their members,

for whom anything more than a forearm smash might be considered ‘poofy’.

A spokesman told us, “You can’t expect a doorman to patch-up someone he’s just forcibly ejected –

because you’d basically be asking them to undo what they just did, which is ridiculous.

It would be like asking a Nurse to beat up a patient they’d just fixed.”

“If you make bouncers part-time first aiders we will lose some of the most enthusiastic doormen around,

and that will make a for a poorer bar experience for everyone, but particularly the man on the door.”

“Most of our members only take these relatively poorly-paid jobs because it gives them a chance to vent much of the

sexual frustration and mid-level psychosis which as been brought on by years of steroid abuse.

Take that away, and they might just stay at home growling into a mirror.”

[laislica]

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is this morning considering the removal of the section on ‘fixing Iraq’ from his curriculum vitae.

As Iraq descended closer to civil war, Blair had been repeatedly telling himself and those close to him

that the country was still a better place than when he invaded.

However as Islamists took control of Iraq’s second city, Mosul, Blair was left wondering if perhaps

he should update his CV to focus more on the after dinner speaking stuff he tends to do these days.

Blair told reporters during the interview, “You know, I count the invasion of Iraq as one of my greatest triumphs,

but I can sort of see why anyone opening a newspaper today might think the time, expense and loss of life involved in that action might not have been worthwhile.”

“To the untrained eye it looks like we jumped into a situation we didn’t fully understand, and created a vacuum

when we left into which extremism would inevitably climb.”

“But that’s to the untrained eye, obviously.”

“No, I don’t feel guilty – that’s the joy of being a Catholic, I can go into a wooden box and tell an old man in a dress about

the decision to invade Iraq, and I never have to feel guilty about it ever again.”

Blair to update résumé

Reporters in the room said that Blair’s CV might be in need of more than a ‘minor edit’.

As one explained, “I’ve seen his CV, and it’s the biggest work of fiction since the dossier that took us into Iraq in the first place.”

[laislica]

A deaf man steals the daily take from a mobster bookie joint; a tremendous amount of cash. The mobsters catch him, but the deaf man has already hidden the money and the mobsters can’t communicate with the man, so they get someone that knows sign language.

The interpreter asks the deaf man where the money is hidden and the man refuses to admit where he has stashed the money. The mobsters that lost the loot smack the deaf man around and the interpreter asks again and again the man refuses to state where the money is.

Finally the mobsters have had enough and pull a pistol and threaten to shoot the deaf man unless he tells them where the money is hidden and even though they will lose the money the deaf man won’t be able to spend it and he will be dead. However, if he tells them where the money is they will let him go. The interpreter explains the situation and the imminent danger to the man’s life. Finally the deaf man admits he has hidden the money in his fireplace. The interpreter asks the deaf man who else know about the stash, the deaf man signs no one else knows. The interpreter asks if again if anyone else knows about the hidden money and the deaf man swears no one else knows where the cash is hidden. So the interpreter turns to the mobster and says “he said you don’t have the guts to shoot him.”

[laislica]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

[fasteddie]

Edited January 19, 2015 by fasteddie

[laislica]

I have reserved beds by the window for you guys...

[mca]

A bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet because the dog seems a bit under the weather.

The vet says " Let me just lift him up here and I'll give him a full examination."

A few minutes later the vet says " Your dog has fleas. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down"

"Put him down just for a case of fleas?" cries the distraught owner.

"No" replies the vet, "He's getting heavy"

[Rusty63]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'oh my word! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

. . .

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[WitawatWatawit]

Did you hear about the blond burglar? She broke into the Wallabies trophy room.

[laislica]

It takes 17 muscles to smile,
and 34 to scowl.
.
I like to keep fit !!!

[loong]

Deleted, for some reason I cannot attach an image!

Edited January 24, 2015 by loong

[Thorgal]

How do you get a dumb blond who has only one arm out of a tree ?

Just wave to her...

[laislica]

Once there were two twins, Lloyd and John Grant.

John was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that Lloyd"s wife died.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw John and mistook him for Lloyd.

"I"m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I"m sort of glad to be rid of her.

She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning.

Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.

I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.

The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

[laislica]

Apparently the most sensuous way to arouse a man is by licking his ear.

Personally I think it's nuts.

[laislica]

When are eyes not eyes? When the wind makes them water.

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?

His nose!

If I’m standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the east is on my left hand,

what’s on my right hand?

Fingers!

[WitawatWatawit]

Toyota and Ford decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. When the race was over, the Japanese team won by a mile.

The American team was very discouraged and depressed. They decided to investigate and find a reason for the crushing defeat. A team made up of senior management was formed to find the problem and recommend appropriate action. The teams conclusion was: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering while the American team had eight people steering one person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was needed, the American management team hired a consulting company for a second opinion, paying them a lot of money. The consulting company advised the Americans that, of course, there were too many people steering and not enough people rowing.

Wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing teams management structure was totally reorganized to: four steering supervisors, three steering area superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager. Also, the management team implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. They called this incentive, The Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. They got new paddles, canoes, more equipment, and extra vacation days and bonuses.

The Japanese won the next race by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management team laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

Also, the next racing team was outsourced to India.

[laislica]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZE518O2QRo

[laislica]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmEhlAiP2-w

[laislica]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHID8hMgWKc#t=18

[AhFarangJa]

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.

She was known as Oral High Jean.

Just had a parcel from Holland , when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.

That's nice I thought, 'Two lips from Amsterdam!’

My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!

At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.

Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.

Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney Houston couldn't avoid a gag!

When he radioed dispatch he said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"

[AhFarangJa]

Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had <deleted> all', he says, 'F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got <deleted> all for breakfast!"

[fasteddie]

I sat opposite the most gorgeous Thai girl on the bus the other day,

I thought to myself "don't get a hard on, don't get a hard on"

But she did!

[laislica]

[loong]

3 boys were talking about their Dads

"My Dad can run a mile in 4 minutes"

"That's nothing, My Dad is really fast. He can run a mile in 3 minutes"

"Well my Dad's a civil servant. His office is 5 miles from home. He finishes work at 4:30pm and is always home by 3:45 - Thats really fast!"

[loong]

In an ESL course the teacher asked

"If I tell you that I am beautiful, what tense am I using?"

Student replied "Well it obviouily MUT be part tente"

[Rinso]

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Rinso]

Feminists believe that women could rule the world.
If they did, who'd take care of things while they did the washing up?

They say that times a great healer, that's probably why they keep you waiting so bloody long when you go to the hospital.

I think it's sad that a General in the Army has told The Mail that he is worried what people will think when he comes out as Gay.
It should be nobody else's business what he does with his privates

[Living in a cartoon]

[laislica]