My girlfriend dressed as a policewoman in bed last night, as she giggled she said

"im charging you with being fantastic in bed".

she dropped the charges two minutes later!

If I had a £1 for every time someone has called me lazy bastard...
I'd have... Ah, fek, I'll count it later!!

simon"... will you please stop scratching your balls," my wife said. "I won't tell you again!"
Thank fek for that, She was really starting to get on my nerves!!

I came home from work and my exwife was upset, "Have a word with your son I caught him playing with himself while watching the tennis".

"Most boys his age have a little stroke while watching Wimbledon, its quite normal" I replied " Infact I may have done it myself at his age".

"Not during the men's doubles" she screamed.

I phoned up lonely hearts the other day they said we're not that fekin lonely and they hung up on me

Me and the wife were looking through the Karma Sutra when I suggested, "We could try some if you like."
"Your cocks too small to do these," she sniped.
"We could do the bowling ball," I suggested.
"What's that?" She asked.
I said, "Bend over and touch your toes."
...which she did, rather excitedly. I then proceeded to insert my index finger into her juicy wet pussy. I then expertly slipped a tactical thumb into her inviting <deleted>...
And then I bowled the fat bastard down the stairs!!

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Cheeky feking bastards!

I had a look at my horoscope this morning and it said an ex from my past would suddenly pop up.
So I've been waiting by the canal all day, you know, just in case she actually does...

I walked through the door and said to the guy at the desk, "I've come about the undertakers job."
He said, "Right, ok. Have you any experience dealing with the dead?"
I said, "Yeah, I've been sleeping with my wife for 15 years.

I let my wife take me out for a drive in the countryside today.

We were going down a quiet country lane when she said,

"Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"
I said,..... "Go on then, bang it into 4th gear."

My French girlfriend doesn't like it when I pull her hair during sex.

She reckons it makes her armpits sore for days!!..

It's a hot day and the wife said she was tired and went upstairs for a kip.
I spent my time looking out the window at the fit young girl sunbathing naked next door.
When the wife came down she said 'I enjoyed my forty winks.

I told her that I enjoyed something similar.

An Irish terrorist group have given up in their attempt to emulate Islamic State by drowning prisoners in cages.
A hooded spokesperson said despite their best efforts the water ran through the bars quicker than they could pour it in.

I think I might have used too much softener when I washed my underwear.
I haven't had an erection for a week!!

There were doubts about the report of a local cafe overcooking and over seasoning their food

But the local newspaper said that it was very fried by a good sauce

I rang the speaking clock and heard "Buy yourself a watch you tight B*Stard!"

Must be Greenwich mean time

Walking down the road yesterday, a fortune teller beckoned me into her stall.

After a few minutes of gazing into her crystal ball, she burst out laughing.

This went on for a few minutes till I couldn't hold my irritation in.

'Snap out of it!' I yelled and struck her ( slightly) to get her attention.

She stopped laughing at once.

'Why did you do that?' she exclaimed.

" I've always been told you should try to strike a happy medium in your life'' was my reply.

Walking down the road yesterday, a fortune teller beckoned me into her stall.

After a few minutes of gazing into her crystal ball, she burst out laughing.

This went on for a few minutes till I couldn't hold my irritation in.

'Snap out of it!' I yelled and struck her ( slightly) to get her attention.

She stopped laughing at once.

'Why did you do that?' she exclaimed.

" I've always been told you should try to strike a happy medium in your life'' was my reply.

If this was "worst told joke ever", we have a winner.

as a punishment on ships off discovering the new world slaves were tied down and a heavy object rolled over them. one such ship had a huge gong that was used to signify meal times etc. this was also used as the heavy object in punishment sessions. hence the song.....rolling a gong on the chest of a slave!!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What's the difference between Pink & Purple?

Your grip!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

ive just spluttered coffee over my computer. cheers for that!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

ive just spluttered coffee over my computer. cheers for that!

Yes it was supercalifragilemysticextrahalitosis!

A piece of black tarmac goes into a bar and says "Give me a pint and make it quick because I'm hard and scared of no-one".

Just them a piece of red tarmac comes up to the bar and the black piece dashes into the toilet.

After a while he come out and says "Has he gone yet?"

The barman says "What's all this I'm scared of no-one business?"

The black tarmac replies "No-one messes with him, he's a cycle-path"

a fruit pastel walks into a bar and batters a piece of chewing gum. sits down and orders a pint. Says " make it quick and dont mess with me, im the hardest sweet there is!"

a throat lozenge walks in and the pastel hides in the toilet. After he comes out he meekly enquires as to the whereabouts of the lozenge and the barman says " ithought you were the hardest sweet".

" no you dont understand " he says " he's f--kin menthol"

Do true stories count?????

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal and vigorous pat down.
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"