Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Tell me Joe...What you will do if you find your wife in bed with another man?

I will brake his white cane!...Bob

White cane? How do you know he will have a white cane?

Because only a blind man can be in bed with my wife.....

I only needed the first two lines.....

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[laislica]

[ozsamurai]

It was a terrible Summer for Humpty Dumpty

but he had a great Fall!!

Hat says to a tie "You hang around I'll go on ahead!"

winner!!

Edited September 2, 2015 by ozsamurai

[BKResort]

I man arrived home with the news to his wife that he was fired and she will have to work...

Work?..she said..I never worked in my life!

Well...is not a problem. You just have to dress sexy, make cars stop to talk with you, and just negotiate sex with the drivers...

Sex?..Negotiated? ...OMG! she said ..I never had sex with another man in my life! NEVER!

Not a problem... You do that... and I will be around the corner to help you with the negotiations...

Finally...and in shame...his wife accepted..and they went to the street..

After a while..a car stopped..starting the negotiations...

How much for one hour sex?

Wait a moment..responded the wife..and went to talk with her husband...

He asked how much for an hour sex. For one hour sex?..Humm..ask for $100

She got back to the car...For sex will be $100. Too much..responded the man....How much for a blowjob in the car?

Wait a moment..responded the wife...and went to talk with her husband again...

Now he asked how much for a blowjob in the car. Humm.....ask for $70

She got back to the car..For a blowjob will be $70. Too much responded the man...How much for a handjob?

Wait a moment..responded the wife..and went to talk with her husband again..

Now he asked how much for a handjob...Hummm...ask for $50

She got back to the car again..For a handjob will be $50....OK..said the man...that I can afford...and he opened his pant showing a very big dick

Wait a moment ..responded the wife..and went to talk with her husband...

Dear...Can you lend me $50???

Edited September 3, 2015 by BKResort

[Stan42]

Q:What do a condom and a coffin have in common?

A:They both have stiffs in them, but on is coming, the other is going

[laislica]

Bra says to the hat

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

[Muzarella]

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[chiang mai]

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

Edited September 4, 2015 by chiang mai

[AhFarangJa]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is
looking for work.

The German doctor says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we take part of a
brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man,
put it in an other's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we
took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him
President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"


This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world competition held
in Britain!

[55Jay]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we

cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is

looking for work.

The German doctor says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we take part of a

brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man,

put it in an other's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we

took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him

President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world competition held

in Britain!

After receiving the British award, the joke teller was arrested for culturally insensitive hate speech.

[fasteddie]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we

cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is

looking for work.

The German doctor says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we take part of a

brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man,

put it in an other's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we

took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him

President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world competition held

in Britain!

What joke?

[Stan42]

Q: What do you call a guy in a business suit sitting on a tree?

A: Branch manager.

[AhFarangJa]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

[AhFarangJa]

My wife and I recently went to a local agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said………………………….“THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR “
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,……………………………….”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR”
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters…..“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You REALLY could learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask the farmer if it was always with the same old cow.'

[laislica]

My wife and I recently went to a local agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said………………………….“THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR “

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,……………………………….”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR”

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters…..“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You REALLY could learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask the farmer if it was always with the same old cow.'

Far too good for this thread he he

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[ozsamurai]

[metisdead]

Some posts containing inappropriate and offensive content have been removed.

[AhFarangJa]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[Muzarella]

A black guy step into a bar...with a parakeet on his shoulder..

The bartender asked..."Where you got that"??

The parakeet responded.."In Africa...there are a lot of them"

Good test. Thaivisa members are not into discriminating jokes. Congrats guys!

[AhFarangJa]

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Muzarella]

Kids...

[laislica]

[AhFarangJa]

Australian barber

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing,

NT, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because

His cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and

Tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out

The skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the

Cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what

Would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little

Ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like

Everyone else does.

[laislica]

[AhFarangJa]

Geoffrey Edelsten went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up,

The doctor asked Geoff how he was feeling, and the 72 year old said "things are great, and I've never felt better. I have a 25 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, so what do you think about that Doc?"

The Doctor considered his question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

"Geoff, I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter who never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry he picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male Beaver sitting at the waters edge. He realised he had left his gun at home, so could not shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed at the animal and went "Bang - Bang" . Miraculously two shots rang out, and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the Doctor.

Geoffrey said, "Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver".

"My point exactly", replied the Doctor.

[AhFarangJa]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the pastor's

wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for

me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After the

services, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid

questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor... "My friend is screwing

your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says... "You’d

better hurry home now. My wife died five years ago."

[laislica]

So this chap went out looking for Flo the Pro.

His friend told him that Flo had every venereal disease possible and that he would catch something very bad.

His friend said, then you'll give it to your wife.

I know he said, but she will give it to the mailman and he will give it to the woman next door

and she will give it to the Vicar and that's the bastard I'm after!.

Edited September 12, 2015 by laislica

[WitawatWatawit]

Geoffrey Edelsten went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up,

The doctor asked Geoff how he was feeling, and the 72 year old said "things are great, and I've never felt better. I have a 25 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, so what do you think about that Doc?"

The Doctor considered his question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

"Geoff, I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter who never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry he picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male Beaver sitting at the waters edge. He realised he had left his gun at home, so could not shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed at the animal and went "Bang - Bang" . Miraculously two shots rang out, and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the Doctor.

Geoffrey said, "Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver".

"My point exactly", replied the Doctor.

Well, well, well. The incorrigible Geoffrey Edelsten. A name hard to forget.

[AhFarangJa]

A Man went the Doctor's office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I
can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up'.

[laislica]