Do we have a winner?

A concise history lesson:

Well -

Would ya?

OK OK - I will - but only because you have a gun pointed to my head.

I just did.....

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

I like it.

Well -

kono.jpg

Would ya?

Nah not for me thanks, prefer girls.

Terrifying pumpkin.

Terrifying pumpkin.

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS:

1 was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, “13...13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but l saw a little gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they ail started shouting, “14...14...14."

An Australian man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I”m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?

I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how”d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hello… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

A couple more for your delictation.........