Jeremy: "Why do women have multiple orgasms?"

Bob: "Women have orgasms?"

What's the difference between a highway and a prostitute?

One knackers your tyres and the other...

Which brass section took the lead when the orchestra performed "It's not unusual"?

Trombones

It's show and tell day in class.

Johnny sits at the back and waits his turn.

The teacher asks Johnny 'what do you have to show us Johnny?'

Johnny answers 'a trained spider Miss'. He pulls a match-box from his pocket, opens it, takes out a spider and puts it on his desk.

'Watch this Miss'

Johnny says 'spider walk forward'. The spider walks forward.

Johnny says 'spider walk backward'. The spider walks backward.

Johnny says 'spider walk left'. The spider walks left.

Johnny says 'spider walk right'. The spider walks right.

The teacher says ' that's amazing Johnny!'.

Johnny says ' that's nothing Miss, watch this'.

He picks up the spider, pulls off all it's legs and sets it back down on his desk.

Johnny says 'spider walk forward'. The spider doesn't move.

Johnny says 'spider walk backward'. The spider doesn't move.

Johnny says 'spider walk left'. The spider doesn't move.

Johnny says 'spider walk right'. The spider doesn't move.

The teacher says ' Johnny, that's horribly cruel and what does it proove?'

Johnny says ' when you pull the legs off of a spider, it goes deaf'.

There's a new social network called "Plaicebook" Trouble is that the crabs have taken it over and posting Shellfies.

Good King Wenceslas Telephoned the Pizza house

"I'd like to order some pizza for the feast of stephen.

Tender doe, stoneground, sauerkraut, deep pan, crisp and even"

You know, some jokes are so funny they really do hurt. I guess it's the PUNCH line.

Anyway, a baby seal walks into a club......

What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of dead leaves?

Russel.

What do you call a blind deer........no idea.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs........still no idea.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs outside the front door - Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water - Bob.

A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little girl replied. The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirty, so she asked, "You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your panties, have you?" "Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."

One day a cross channel swimmer came across Bob in the water, "Hello, what are you doing Here?"

"I've got no arms or legs and I rolled off a ferry. Can you help me?"

"Sure, hop on and I'll give you a lift"

It was a struggle, but eventually they hit the shore at Dover.

"God, I feel <deleted>**ed" said the swimmer.

Bob said "Well I had to hold on somehow"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

I was talking to Hitler the other day.

He said that he was going to kill 6 million Jews and 2 ladyboys

"why are you going to kill 2 ladyboys?"

"I KNEW that nobody cares about the Jews"

soorry

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

A liberal friend in New York asked me after the Paris shooting what I thought he needed to defend his home. He has several college degrees.

I suggested as minimum a 9mm, a couple clips, and a box of shells. A few days later, he sent me this picture and asked how to make it work

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

Slips of the tongue
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'