When you have an "I Hate My Job day" - Try this out:

Stop at your local chemist and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. O

pen the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small
print there is this statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Made me smile!

Recipe suggestions wanted......

Some new weight reduction ideas?

And don't forget to avoid the 'Deadly D's'.

Drugs, Drink, Debt & Divorce

Research has discovered a food that puts women off sex.

It's called .......................... wedding cake !!

An Army Sniper goes to a Rifle shop to buy new scope for his Gun.

Manager takes out one & says:

”This scope is so good, U can see my house 1 km up on that hill”

Sniper looks through the scope & laughs :”I see a naked man & a naked woman in your house”.

Manager looks in the scope & gives 2 bullets to sniper :
”I’ll give u this scope for free, If u shoot my wife’s head & the guy’s D*ck off”.

Sniper looks again in the scope :

”Well ! Seems like I can do that with one bullet.”

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?
"The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s*x, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

That last one was the best, great jokes, you've cheered me up. Thank you Laislica.

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

What does dracula call a used sanitary towel

Packed lunch

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite

- All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Relationships are like algebra...

You look at your X and wonder Y.

A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Impaired
- A few hairs short of a wig.
- Three feathers short of being fluffy.
- The dip stick doesn't reach the oil.
- Sharp as a bubble.
- Nice toy---no batteries.
- A few quacks short of a duck.
- A few peas shy of having a casserole.
- A few trucks short of a convoy.
- An experiment in artificial stupidity.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- Doesn't have all the dots on their dice.
- Forgot to pay the brain bill.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.

- Couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air...

...but how would I catch them?

Back in the 50's
Why don't they have telephones in China ?
Because there's too many Wings and too many Wongs..., and they always Wing the Wong number

A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Impaired

- A few hairs short of a wig.

- Three feathers short of being fluffy.

- The dip stick doesn't reach the oil.

- Sharp as a bubble.

- Nice toy---no batteries.

- A few quacks short of a duck.

- A few peas shy of having a casserole.

- A few trucks short of a convoy.

- An experiment in artificial stupidity.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- Doesn't have all the dots on their dice.

- Forgot to pay the brain bill.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.

- Couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

One wheel short of a unicycle

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.