Worst Joke Ever

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[chickenslegs]

During his visit to London, Donald Trump met with Queen Elizabeth. 

He asked, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Donald frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea and said, "Oh, that's easy Donald. You just ask them to answer a riddle."

Seeing the puzzled look on Donald’s face, the Queen said, “Let me demonstrate it for you.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom and said, "Please send Theresa May in here."

Theresa walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Theresa answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Donald returned to the White House and asked Mike Pence the same question. "Mike, I want you to answer this riddle. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Mike. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

The next evening Mike and his wife were dining at a fancy restaurant when he notice Sarah Palin.

Mike walked over to her table and asked, “Sarah, can you answer a riddle for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Mike smiled and said, "Thanks!"

After dinner Mike returned to the White House and met with Donald.  Mike said, “I did some research and I found the answer to the riddle.”

Donald said, “Fantastic. So, what is the answer?”

Mike replied, “It's Sarah Palin!"

Donald yelled, “No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

...

[Ron19]

A blonde lady gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.  She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she asks. 'Yes,' he replies. 'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says. 'It's best I stay here,' he says. 'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde. The boy looks at her and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper!"

[Piifo]

Two friends talking :

how heavy is a fart ?

I don't know, it's gas, so about nothing.

Damn, I shit myself !

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[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[scottiejohn]

On ‎08‎/‎06‎/‎2016 at 5:43 PM, nikmar said:

Where did Noah keep the bees.

In his Ark hives.

Should that not read "Where did Noah keep his OLD bees'

In his Ark hives!

[scottiejohn]

On ‎16‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 4:25 PM, Aussie69 said:

A tinnie ...

You Australians have got me really confused!

Until I read this site I thought a Schooner was a type of boat and a Tinnie was a beer container. Now I find out that a Tinnie is a type of boat and a Schooner is a beer container, I am all at sea!

.

And I most certainly don’t know what I am going to do with all the Durex and Sellotape I have bought on line from the UK and Oz! The wife is very confused!

 

PS. Durex is a condom and Sellotape is used to seal parcels in the UK and reversed in OZ!

On ‎16‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 1:25 AM, Thaiwine said:

Tinnie - That's what I like about Outback Queensland

Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie. He bought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What are you going to do with that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 kms of here."

He says "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says "He's out there in his tinnie" pointing out to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of paddock sitting in the

tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand....

He yells out to him "What are you doing?"

The brother replies "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making

everybody think we are stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse."

 

[scottiejohn]

On ‎09‎/‎09‎/‎2016 at 7:45 PM, laislica said:

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

I then said "Can you tell me how to withdraw it if it does come in eventually"?

She then said the "question was premature".

[scottiejohn]

On ‎10‎/‎09‎/‎2016 at 8:10 PM, laislica said:

            Don't you just hate cyclist road hogs?

It took me over 30 minutes to get past this lot today!

 

What took you so long.  Did you not have both hands on the steering wheel or were your glasses too steamed up?

[kickstart]

The middle   of  nowhere    two county  lads  are  haveing they  supper, they is a knock on they kitchen   door ,  in walks   a   town  girl , all dressed  up,  and in a bit of a state " my  car has  broken down , at  the end of your lane  , can not get it fixed  until the morning ,and I have  nowhere to sleep ",one of the country lads says  ," you can sleep  here, but  we only have one bed , and you will have to sleep with us  ".

The town girl  says "I do not mind  .

So  they all go to bed , the girl  sleeping in the middle, in the middle of the night  she says to one of the country lads,  " do you want a bit of fun ,  and put this on ,we do want  any  accidents "  the country lad puts it on , then rolls over and goes back to  sleep, half an hour  later , the girl says to the other  lad ," do you want a bit of fun , put this on ,we do want any  accidents ",  the country lad puts it on then rolls over and goes back to sleep .

Following  morning the country lads  are up  early, out  tendering to the fields, the town girl gets her car  fixed, and is on her way .

Two days  latter  the country  lads  are saying ," you remember that girl  that stayed the other day " the other lad says "yes ", well that thing  she asked  me to put on ,"yes", said the other country lad  ,"well  I wish I could take it  off,I am  dieing for a pee".

[Minnie the Minx]

[laislica]

On 13/04/2017 at 7:17 PM, scottiejohn said:

On 10/09/2016 at 8:10 PM, laislica said:

            Don't you just hate cyclist road hogs?

It took me over 30 minutes to get past this lot today!

 

What took you so long.  Did you not have both hands on the steering wheel or were your glasses too steamed up?

 

 

ER. sorry, what was the question?

 

 

[scottiejohn]

On ‎13‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 10:55 PM, laislica said:

2 tv aerials got married on the moon
Not very good atmosphere
But a great reception...

Did they broadcast the wedding Pictures and did they need a TV Licence or a wedding licence?

[scottiejohn]

17 hours ago, laislica said:

 

 

ER. sorry, what was the question?

 

 

ER Sorry, come again!

[Rob13]

13 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Did they broadcast the wedding Pictures and did they need a TV Licence or a wedding licence?

 

I heard there were alot of stars in attendence

[scottiejohn]

On ‎16‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 9:20 AM, laislica said:

Unplug the doodah from the whatsit for 10mins.  That's what the technician always tell me, especially, the windows one.

[scottiejohn]

23 minutes ago, Rob13 said:

 

I heard there were alot of stars in attendence

Were they not overcome by the lack of gravity of the occasion? Or were they all falling stars.

[billd766]

Just now, scottiejohn said:

Unplug the doodah from the whatsit for 10mins.  That's what the technician always tell me, especially, the windows one.

 

If all else fails my advice as an engineer of some 50 years is to apply increasing gentle pressure from 2 pound calibrated lump hammer.

 

That usually fixes the problem. If it doesn't fix the problem quickly then you used a hammer which was either too small or more likely out of calibration.

[Panda13]