Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[burners19]

Except I ALWAYS seems to walking down that aisle between 14h and 17h [emoji30] muttering damit under my breath


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[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, burners19 said:

Except I ALWAYS seems to walking down that aisle between 14h and 17h muttering damit under my breath


Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

You mean this might happen!

 

 

Better to do this then,

 

[kickstart]

Dyslexic  vicar, who thought  the Battersea dogs home, was a home for retired  clergymen  .

 

 

The fastest thing   underwater ,  motorpike  and   sidecarp .

[scottiejohn]

 

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

 

Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he's both dyslexic and gay?

He's still in Daniel!

 

Did you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic?

He walked into a bra?

 

Did you heard about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex?

They tried to do the 96 position!

　

A dyslexic boy who asks his mother for McDonald's?

She said: "You can have one if you can spell it."

The boy replied: "Fine, I'll have a KFC!"

 

Two dyslexic guys were riding in a car.

One turned to the other and said, "Can you smell petrol?"

The other replied, "Don't be a moron, I can't even smell my own name!"

 

A dyslexic robber ran into a bank.

He screamed: "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a <deleted> up!"

 

My mum is so dyslexic, she went into the YMCA thinking it was Macy's.

 

My girl friend calls me a god. At first I was pleased, but now I'm not so sure as I remembered she's dyslexic!

 

My dyslexic gay friend is so excited for February 14th. He thinks it's Vaseline Day!

Bluebell

 

Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit.

They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic, doesn’t really comprehend things properly and does things backwards. I asked her for her Tax number and she told me gets the bus. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every four hours, but she gave him 4 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to take Mrs. Jones temperature every 6 hours and she took it 6 times in one hour."

The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.

 

 

"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

　

[scottiejohn]

 

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend

　

What did the fish say when he posted bail?

"I'm off the hook!"

 

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?

A Loan shark!

 

Who keeps the ocean clean?

A mermaid.

 

Have you heard about the Sauna that serves food?

Their specialty is steamed mussels.

 

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

To the prawn broker!

　

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?

Drop it a line!

 

What is the most expensive kind of fish?

a goldfish

 

Why did the fish go to Hollywood?

He wanted to be a starfish!

　

What do you call an underwater social network?

Fishbook

 

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.  But make sure is not a common plaice one!

[vogie]

Sad news, the man who invented predictive text has just died, his funfair is next sundial.

[scottiejohn]

8 minutes ago, vogie said:

Sad news, the man who invented predictive text has just died, his funfair is next sundial.

Must have been be a grave error in his system!

[scottiejohn]

[Rob13]

A three legged dog walks into  a bar and says, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

What fish do dogs chase?

Catfish.

　

My dog plays chess.

Your dog plays chess?

He must be really clever!

Oh, I don't know. I usually beat him three times out of four.

　

　

Teacher: Who can tell me what "dogma" means?

Little Tommy;  It's a lady dog that's had puppies, sir.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Mother: Keep that dog out of the house, it's full of fleas.

Son: Keep out of the house, Fido, it's full of fleas.

　

Why did the skeleton run up a tree?

Because a dog was after its bones.

　

　

Jim: Our dog is just like one of the family.

Fred: Which one?

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume.  The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!"

Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!"

About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"

[scottiejohn]

Edited May 22, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

Teachers Lessons

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

 

A boy comes home and says to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked a question today and I was the only kid in the class that knew the answer!"

And the parents say "That's amazing son! What was the question?"

And the boy says "Who farted?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Edited May 23, 2017 by scottiejohn