A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

 

 

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.

"Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me."

"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.

"Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.

She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.

 

The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."

Thai special forces.

 

Raided the zoo.

 

Shot the gorillas.

 

And released the ostriches.

 

58 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Thai special forces.

 

Raided the zoo.

 

Shot the gorillas.

 

And released the ostriches.

 

That's what happens when you use google translate!

Since it is Thanksgiving time of year;

 

 

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock

　

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

　

Why can't you take a turkey to church?

They use FOWL language.

　

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?

It had 24 carrots.

　

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

　

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?

A turkey that can pluck itself!

　

When do you serve tofu turkey?

Pranksgiving.

　

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?

A turkey because it is always stuffed.

　

What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where's popcorn?

　

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down?

Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

　

Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Because he had the drumsticks

　

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

　

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected it of fowl play

 

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

The turKEY

　

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

Boy! I'm stuffed!

 

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot

　

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?

Puritan.

　

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?

Fangs-giving.

　

If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on?

The scholar ships.

　

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot.

　

How do Rednecks celebrate Thanksgiving?

Pump kin!

　

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"

Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

 

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.

She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

 

A potato and a sweet potato were playing on the playground. The sweet potato told the potato,"Hey, I just found out I'm related to you."

The potato said," No you're are not!"

The sweet potato said back,"Yes, I yam."

 

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said,

 

"All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what? says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell'and you say something with ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

 

 

      Prayuth comes to a primary school, where a first grader asks him to help with the assignment, but Prayuth doesn't even understand the question and runs out. 

6 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

 

 

      Prayuth comes to a primary school, where a first grader asks him to help with the assignment, but Prayuth doesn't even understand the question and runs out. 

At least you're on topic.

 

Don't give up your day job.

CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE 

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport . 

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Coolangatta .   
I want to thank you for flying with us today and  hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast  

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. 

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 

'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'  

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first  I'm gonna  check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge hooters out for dinner...... I'm gonna wine and  dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long..' 

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new  stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. 

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of  the plane. 
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. 
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's  bag and down she goes. 

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear............. 





He's gotta land the plane and take a  crap  first.'

"Hey, have you heard? They've found the gene that causes obesity."

"Really?"

"Yes . . . she's working at Greggs."

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.. 
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. 
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. 
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Son: Am I adopted?

 

Dad: Not yet, we still haven't found anyone who wants you.

Years ago, I had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet.

 

But only for like 20 seconds.

 

And only once.

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

 

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

 

Disclaimer: this was just a joke, I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke 

2 hours ago, CantSpell said:

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.. 
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. 
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. 
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window

I've read that story before, Dostoyevsky I think - The Brothers Karamazov; nothing new under the sun.

8 hours ago, nausea said:

I've read that story before, Dostoyevsky I think - The Brothers Karamazov; nothing new under the sun.

 

 

And your point is?

 

 

8 hours ago, laislica said:

 

The only 2 lines I would change but they wouldn't rhyme are

 

I cannot pee to

I pee so much

 

Have trouble pooping to

I poop too much and sometimes in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Otherwise that fits me to a T.

 

2 hours ago, billd766 said:

The only 2 lines I would change but they wouldn't rhyme are

 

I cannot pee to

I pee so much

 

Have trouble pooping to

I poop too much and sometimes in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Otherwise that fits me to a T.

It's just old age multitasking:

 

cough or sneeze and simultaneously pee and poop no matter where you are!