Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

[laislica]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

On 08/01/2018 at 7:21 AM, scottiejohn said:

Not just Facebook I hope.  I tend to use more obscure sites/books/memory etc to try and avoid popular repeats, I don't always succeed as I am sure you and the other regulars have no doubt noticed.

This is not a criticism just a comment!

his best one yet Lol

[scottiejohn]

15 hours ago, fasteddie said:

his best one yet Lol

The problem with a Forum/Topic title of "worst joke" is when one says they "like" the "joke" posting does one mean;

 

a That is the worst joke ever and therefore not funny as it is not a joke.

b That is the worst joke ever and therefore very funny as it is a very good joke. 

or in my case

c To hell with it, I just like the joke and will post or "like" it anyway.

 

Any comments?

 

 

[kickstart]

On 08/01/2018 at 2:58 PM, scottiejohn said:

When I was at primary school, the joke was,kid a  would come to you and say , "what is the capital of Thailand,(pause) Bangkok" ,and then they would thump you in the nuts .

[Ron19]

On 1/12/2018 at 6:01 PM, scottiejohn said:

The problem with a Forum/Topic title of "worst joke" is when one says they "like" the "joke" posting does one mean;

 

a That is the worst joke ever and therefore not funny as it is not a joke.

b That is the worst joke ever and therefore very funny as it is a very good joke. 

or in my case

c To hell with it, I just like the joke and will post or "like" it anyway.

 

Any comments?

 

 

" That is the worst joke ever and therefore not funny as it is not a joke "

 

I agree with what you say and that was the intention of the OP who sadly is no longer with us.

The name can't be changed with such along running topic, best just to let it run as it has been.

[Ron19]

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th birthday; she was lonely, a little
depressed at her advancing age and so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books
for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing
in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

I'll give him a call "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear
you give a great massage.

I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I
really want is sex.

I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go at it all night... tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped
cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Conversation between smarmy lady and down and out guy!

 

Lady: Do you smoke you b*m?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day

which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have

been $10,800. Correct?

Guy: Correct.

Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past

15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?

Guy: Correct.

Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?

Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?

Lady: No.

Guy: Then where's your f*cking Ferrari you interfering smart*rse?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

                                     KIDS VS. TEACHER...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

　

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

　

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-A-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking a bout?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it‘s H to O.

　

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

　

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty so quickly?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

　

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I..'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.‘

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.‘

　

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

　

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

　

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

　

TEACHER: Harold, how do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested in what they have to say?

HAROLD: A teacher

　

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

I felt like my boyfriend, Brian, was taking me for granted.

"You’re never home," I complained.

"All you want to do is hang out with your buddies. We only go out if they’re not available."

"That’s not true," Brian protested.

"You know I’d rather be with you than have fun."

 

He gets out of hospital next week.

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.

He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.

This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.

Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.

After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.

The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.

The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.

“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”

Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”

“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”

[scottiejohn]

 

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

 

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Big Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous stunning supermodel.  Stunned, Tony and Carlos

approached the Big man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how come he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful looking women.

Big Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself,

 

"Damn income taxes!"

[davetrout]

? What did one shark say to another shark.

A. Where is that six squid you owe me.

[laislica]

[laislica]

This is only for the intellectuals among us ...

 

I've learned to Love AdBlock Detectives.

Now I have regular times for meditation LOL

 

Here is a sample meditation.....

 

Thich Nhat Hanh:

A meditation in every post.

 

What would Doris Day say?

 

When I was just a little boy
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be banned?"
Here's what she said to me
"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see

"Que sera, sera
What will be, will be"

Edited January 16, 2018 by laislica

[gentman]

Three men are sitting in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are. The first says, "Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sales and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in".

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. Last week she went to get herself a car, she does not know how to drive. "Well it's cheap with a discount". She says.

Wait till you hear this. The third one says. "My wife is the dumb of all." She left for a vacation to Greece just two days ago. I watch her packing her bag she must have hided at least few boxes of condom and I laughed quietly. She doesn't even have a penis.

[gentman]

Small hotel room

 

There was this couple that lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.  To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
 
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room.
No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
 
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
 
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued.  "You can't treat us like we're
a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never
been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel.  I'm going
to complain to the manager."
 
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the
elevator!"

[gentman]

The nurse calls the patient in......Yes, Can I help you!! says the Dr.....The patient reply...I am very depress...no one talk to me.. Dr. calls the nurse...Next please!!!!...

[overherebc]

Got asked to play in a golf tournament last week.

First thought was no thanks.

They then said it was for handicapped children and I started to think 'Hold on a minute, I could win this.'

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

FEMALE BREAD MAKING

INGREDIENTS:

2 laughing eyes

2 loving arms

2 well shaped legs

2 warm milk containers

1 fur lined mixing bowl

1 large banana

METHOD:

1. look into laughing eyes

2. spread well shaped legs

3. squeeze and then message milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased

4. add banana and gently work in and out until creamed

5. cover with nuts and sigh with relief

NOTES:

Bread is done when banana is soft.

Be sure to wash utensils and don't lick the bowl.

ATTENTION:

IF BREAD STARTS TO RISE...

LEAVE TOWN!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in and said, "Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?" The customer replied, "I guess so. I'll take one. " ""And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?" "Um, okay. " "Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long." " I'll take one of those too. "

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in and asked,

"I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please."

"Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

 

"Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn."

[scottiejohn]