Worst Joke Ever

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A local Charity worker realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,

 

 

 

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[scottiejohn]

Quote

 

[scottiejohn]

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest,

"Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims,

"I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

 

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Alternative Medical Terms

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - what doctors do when patients die

Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - searching for kitty

Cauterize - made eye contact with her

Colic - a sheep dog

coma- a punctuation mark

D & C - Where Washington is

Dilate - to live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - quicker than someone else

Fibula - a small lie

Genital - a non-Jewish person

GI series - world series of military baseball

Hangnail - what you hang your coat on

Impotent - distinguished, well-known

Labour pain - getting hurt at work

medical staff - a doctor's cane

Morbid - a higher offer

Nitrates - cheaper than day rates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - a person who has fainted

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test

Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - a letter carrier

Recovery room - place to do upholstery

Rectum - darn near killed him

Secretion - hiding something

Seizure - a Roman emperor

Tablet - a small table

Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport

Tumour - one plus one more

Urine - opposite of you're out

Varicose - nearby / close by

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[White Christmas13]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

On ‎22‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 3:00 PM, White Christmas13 said:

INCEST: It runs in the family!

[scottiejohn]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

 

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I am not American but I could not resist this one;

 

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court.

The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear,

"So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said,

 

"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green.

Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Dunlop number threes.

Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked,

 

"Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball with SUE's written on it?"

 

[scottiejohn]

[nausea]

I'm getting to the stage where I can't be bothered to read text anymore, unless it's very short and accompanied by an image, and I was born in 1955. God help those born after.

Edited April 24, 2018 by nausea
More info.

[scottiejohn]

21 minutes ago, nausea said:

I'm getting to the stage where I can't be bothered to read text anymore, unless it's very short and accompanied by an image, and I was born in 1955. God help those born after.

So which comics do you read then?

[scottiejohn]

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

Boats curves never sag.

Boats last longer.

Boats don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

Boats don't have parents.

Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Boat with your friends.

If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.

If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

Boats always feel like going for a ride.

Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

Boats don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

Even a donkey can ride a boat.

 

[VocalNeal]

^ The two happiest days of any boat owner are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. So the above works?