BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
               
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
  of a man on the ledge of a large building
   preparing to jump.
 
  The blonde looked at Bob and said,
   "Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
  "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,

the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
 
  Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
  I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
  so I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

On 6/27/2018 at 8:42 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

Or a  guy goes into fishmongers and askes "Are sole's sold here " 

Subject: An Irish priest
 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

 

The conversation went like this:

 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...

 

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Keep 'em coming boys, they're really appreciated at the moment.

 

A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front

 

door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

 

"What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..." "No! Someone may see - a relative, a

 

neighbor..." "At this time of the night no one will show up." "I've already said NO, and NO." "Honey, it's just

 

a small blowie... I know you like it too." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" "My love... don't be like that.." At this

 

moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing

 

her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself,

 

but for Christ's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom." 

 

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children

 

running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew

 

his company,Avon-Ponds. When she said no,  he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline

 

and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she

 

said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because

 

everyone uses our product and they always say they use it  for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know

 

that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes,

 

we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." 

 

12 hours ago, kickstart said:

"Are sole's sold here " 

Such a common plaice joke that usually gets battered to death in the fish and chip shop.

Or was it the pour soul at the cobblers who was asked the question.

Its cabaret at the glitzy nightclub and the act is a ventriloquist , the dummy being Lord Charles dressed in a dinner suit

 

 

and complete with monocle .

 

 

There are many blonde jokes  , the last being about the blonde trapped on an elevator because there was a power cut ,

 

 

 

All of a sudden a blonde woman from the audience shouts out " thats enough of your insulting blonde jokes , I have had

 

 

too much of your rude remarks "  . The ventriloquist stands up and says " its only a laugh  dear " to which the blonde

 

 

replied  " you sit down and keep out of this , I am talking to the little guy on your knee "  

When I went to school!!

PUSSY meant a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a NAME

BJ was a NICK-NAME
BANG was a SOUND 
RUBBER was nothing but an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was just a Fixing TOOL

HEAD meant a PART of a body

BALLS meant a Round TOY or Sports object

NUTS meant DRY-Crunchy snacks

69 was Just a number

 

And then I met all of you dirty minded people on Worst Joke Ever and don't know what they mean anymore!

Manic depression 

 

This week in Germany a psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the undergraduate class. 

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, 

"How would you categorise a person who walks and or runs back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs along a white line one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next and keeps repeating these actions over some considerable time?" 

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered,

 

"A Football manager at the World Cup?"
 

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green.

Each hit their ball anyway.

When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using  Dunlop number threes.

Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked,

 

 

"Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
 

28 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

Disgraceful!  Driving down the "central reservation/median strip".  Has that dumb blonde no consideration for others!

PS; Couldn't the council have painted some more lines?

Texting for the over 60's.

The kids have all their SMS codes like <deleted>, LOL and PMSL etc.

So here are some suggested codes for the more mature;

 

ATD = At The Doctors,

BFF = Best Friends Funeral,

BTW = Bring The Wheelchair,

HGBM = Had Good Bowel Movement,

WTL = Where’s The Lubricant,

ISMSA = I've Shit My self Again,

WTFMT = Where The F*cks My Teeth.

 

 

Anyone got some more suggestions?

LITTLE JOHNNY... FINDING JESUS

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven.”
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts
out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells

 

 

'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”